Fiance asking me to abuse him

[poppingbluebell22]

As far as the complaining about the reactions you have gotten. You need to understand the potential risk involved in such a scenario. Most of us already know that a walk down memory lane could damage you beyond repair. That is why everyone is asking for clarification. It is a bad thought all around. Period.

I know it’s not a good idea for me, I’m not trying to get people to say yeah do it and no don’t do it I’m looking for something else I can suggest instead.

 

[EveHarrington]

I know it’s not a good idea for me, I’m not trying to get people to say yeah do it and no don’t do it I’m looking for something else I can suggest instead.

Do you mean you want to find a better way that he can understand?

 

[poppingbluebell22]

Do you mean you want to find a better way that he can understand?

Exactly

 

[Neverthesame]

I don't think there is a way to give him the authentic experience without actually harming him. Yeah there are ways to safely cause pain, but I can't think of a way to simulate the terror and hopelessness of being in such an environment.

I can't think of anything to suggest, as there really might be nothing to suggest. He probably would have just had to be there to understand.

 

[shimmerz]

Yeah there are ways to safely cause pain,

True, but this type of thing isn't kids play. People train for years to be responsible for inflicting pain on a partner specifically so they can be responsible and not cause psychological harm.

I can't think of a way to simulate the terror and hopelessness of being in such an environment.

Yes, because anything else would be contrived. Which isn't authentic.

So no, there is no way to bring him into his own authentic experience without potentially doing serious harm physically or psychologically.

Has he researched? Watched movies? There are lots of ways to get an outside glance of what this means to others. Which honestly, is the only healthy way of relating to trauma.

 

[Nessa7]

Do you feel like he has a good grasp on what PTSD is and what symptoms you experience? I think that before he tries to understand what you went through in the past that he needs to know what you're going through now.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it’s a tad bit disturbing that he thinks he can understand PTSD and trauma by having you “faux-traumatize” him...

....that his mind automatically jumps to this “solution” to understanding over reading books or blogs or watching movies/documentaries or talking to professionals.

Maybe he deserves the benefit of the doubt and is just extremely naive/misguided.

However, I’m not so quick to lean in this direction given that violence is involved.

Most people who truly love someone wouldn’t want any sort of violence anywhere near their partner, they wouldn’t ask a partner to relive the VERY WORST moments of their life.

I hate to say it, but I don’t think this is just one red flag. I think it’s worth about a dozen.

Be sure this guy is actual marriage material before getting hitched.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m looking for something else I can suggest instead.

What has he done to try to understand PTSD so far? Are there specific things he is struggling to understand or ways he is struggling in supporting you?

It strikes me that maybe he’s putting this on you perhaps a bit too much. He’s got to willing to work on learning more, reading books, asking you questions, etc.

Are there things you struggle to explain to him or talk to him about regarding PTSD?