Fiance Left Me, Doesnt Understand

[billypurp]

Hi everybody! Hope you're all well! I'm just got engaged to the live of my life! We've had our ups and downs. And have put each other through a lot....speeding up we were moving out of state toghther and having some problems....our dogs...my service/therapy dogs. Which we raised together. "Me or the dogs", she said."I want to be number one".....holy crap! Not only are these dogs our family but I NEED them!! She left me... I feel cheated. She's my universe but its outta my hands. She's so mean to me now. I feel she's just scared and angry, but she doesn't understand! I feel if she knew, shed have more compassion. She said" you won't need them, I'm here"... but that's not always the case nor is it that simple when the panics kick in!! Can you guys help me?!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

You know how when someone asks you if you love or your in love with someone (You love your mum, You're in love with your wife - hopefully), she was asking a gesture like that, I think. She knows you need the dogs, but do you need her too? I don't mean need her like the support of the dogs although if you do that's fine, I mean need her in the way she needs you. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about her, and your PTSD may make it seem like you don't care, or that you're too wrapped up in your own problems for her but that may not matter if she knows that beneath all the external problems and most of the internal ones, that you care about her.

She's jealous of the support of the dogs and wants to be higher on your priority list and she can't seem to get that through to you, I think. By making bold statements of support rather than pulling you closer it pushes you further away. It's like her saying: "You're my whole world, I'll do everything for you, I'll support you and be there for you every step and through every moment good or bad, if only you'd let me, if only you'd trust me enough to let you see how much I care for you." Except you've taken it the wrong way and/ or maybe she really is completely and utterly jealous of the dogs but could you see why? Do you care for them more than her. A girl needs to feel a little love, a little reassurance, especially if she feels (that doesn't mean is, it's just what she believes) that she is giving up everything for you.

She can't even begin to understand unless you at least try explain it to her. That means the dogs, the feelings underneath (or lack of), the PTSD, everything. When someone gets married or engaged, they don't want a part of that person, they want all of that person, good and bad, all the risks involved. I think she feels that the dogs stop that because you rely on them and that's ok, but she wants you to at least be able to rely on her too. She wants to peel away a layer and get closer to you. To know you better. She wants all of this for you BUT she also desperately wants this for her too. She wants you to care back. She wants to understand you and by stripping away the protection of the dogs, maybe she feels she be closer to you and you will share more with her. She's scared like you but for different reasons and she just wants to feel loved and useful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I totally disagree with Kas.

It's abusive to hand down ultimatums such as "it's me or them". Think about it. If you had a friend who was blind and someone told them "it's me or your guide dog" what would you tell them? You'd say "hey, she's not the one for you" because that dog is the persons lifeline in navigating through the world.

Yes, she's jealous, but she needs to get over it. She needs to realize that it's not about her, and it never will be about her. It's about you and your needs. If she were more secure she'd be able to see that your need for your dogs is COMPLETELY independent of your need for her.

Maybe this seems heavy handed, but I see you and your dogs as a package deal. They are a part of the package and its cruel for her to say you've got to get rid of them. Someone who loves you won't put your healing at risk because of their own selfish insecurities.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I totally disagree with Kas.

It's abusive to hand down ultimatums such as "it's me or them".

Actually we agree on that - I do find it abusive, all I'm trying to do is give some understanding as to why. Part of the reason I kept stating "I think" and/or "maybe" is because there is a chance that's a cry out. It doesn't make it right but it may give some explanation as to why, which was my attempt at helping as it sounds like the OP doesn't want to call quits on the relationship but doesn't understand. My point was that if he could settle her fears and needs she may no longer want him to get rid of the dogs. She might just want to be acknowledged as an important part of his life and their relationship.

If she is only saying this to be manipulative and controlling, if she says this because she is incapable of understanding such (in my opinion) basic needs of a disabled person, then surely the OP should know the answer already; that relationship is wrong.

I got the impression that she was saying that she wanted recognition as a part of the relationship. The dogs may be a part of him, he is a part of the relationship, but she did not enter the relationship for the dogs, she entered for him. She can love him and the dogs, but she wants the same in return, for him to love her too. But I may have misunderstood. Either way SOL I think that at the heart of the matter (him or the dogs) is wrong. I'm just trying to understand why and if it was a true ultimatum or a cry out for some love.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think with the little information you provided that attempting to understand your fiance's state of mind is somewhere between difficult and impossible, so I will try to stay away from that.

I can say that at face value this sounds ludicrous to me. Even if you were just an average Joe with some average dogs, this would be a total deal breaker for me personally. Get rid of my pets for you? But moving beyond my personal feelings about animals, does no one else find it ridiculous that a grown woman is so insecure that she feels threatened by a dog's companionship? It sounds like there ARE underlying issues, but man... that just seems so BS to me as well as really worrying in terms of her commitment to making a lifetime relationship work?

And ultimatums are devils' deals if you ask me.

 

[KyGirl31]

You know something I think that's total crap what she pulled! For starters you two were engaged and obviously planning on spending your life together. Marriage is give and take and always being their for the other and wanting what's best for them. If you feel that you still need these dogs then I don't see the problem. I think that's very selfish on her part to walk away from you over something like that and makes me think she wasn't considering your feelings. If that was her reaction to something so small then I'm wondering how would she react with bigger issues within your marriage? This is me being honest, if my guy had something that he felt helped him cope or deal better with what he's been through then being the woman who loves him I am gonna support that whatever it may be. I think you should seriously reevaluate your intentions on marrying someone so selfish in my opinion!

 

[billypurp]

First off thanks to all throwing their 2 cents in! All of you are helpful! Its gotten ugly..I've tried to talk and reason and compromise... but no good. "I don't want the f..... dogs"! I've done what I can do I feel. Its total b.s. and yet...its all my fault , I ruined our relationship apparently. I know shrs projecting some type of insecurity but putting a ring on her finger, quitting my job and leaving everything I know(im happy to do so for us). Is a lot more than most would consider.my love and priorities are not in question in my eyes. She's turned into something awful as of late. "Sickness and in health" right?! People have baggage, some its drugs or addictions, disabilities or just plain bullshit. I love you at your worst babe! Why can't you return the favor? I'm glad this happened sooner than later...but I thinks she's doing it out of fear and ignorance. She's not the same person anymore.

 

[billypurp]

I've tried to get her to do some research on therapy dogs...won't do it. She freaks out cu they're "filthy"..hardly yes they shed and have some dirty days...they're dogs. But amazing dogs and very well trained .

 

[Kintsugi]

This is honestly seeming weirder and weirder to read about given she raised them with you. Are these concerns that have been ongoing? I feel like raising a puppy is so difficult that it's that point that most people begin to have reservations about their commitment, or that's been my experience at least.

Moving is hard and can be really scary. Did these issues arise within the heat of that process or beforehand? Have you only recently gotten engaged? That's scary too. I know that if myself or my partner are leaving for a trip, we tend to fight a lot, and I think in part it's a reaction to a change in environment (one of us being gone) but I think these tendencies toward petty arguing arise at other moments of stress and environmental changes.

Good luck. I hope this thread helps.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

"I don't want the f..... dogs"

She freaks out cu they're "filthy"..hardly yes they shed and have some dirty days...they're dogs.

OH! Ok, yes she was definitely unreasonable, she was definitely out of line to ask let alone insist or give guilt trip you. There is always a second side to every story and I obviously misread your message -I thought you were upset that you'd both fallen out, that you didn't understand why, that you wanted help and/or insight as to why maybe she was being that way and honestly I've seen people say stupid things because they're hurt and not really mean them but to get a rise or a cry for help. But this goes beyond that quite clearly from what you've said. It definitely sounds like she has some pretty major issues. Sorry if I upset you with my misunderstandings, I was never trying to imply you were in the wrong. Good luck.

 

[billypurp]

Its a lot right now and I understand that. Which is why I'm hurt, confused and taken back. But I'm not mad at her because I think its all miss guided stress and issues she's having within herself. I've tried talking with her and assuring my love. Tried to guide her through her issues and basically be a man, in the aspect of do what it takes to figure this out and get us back on track. Regardless its a bad situation and I'm being hurt by the outcome. She left town and said "I'll leave your ring at ....."(a friends house). I know the outcome of this.....my only fear is her saftey and I'm scared shell call me in a few months and"miss you,love you etc.." and I wont be strong enough to ignore the call.

Thank you all for your support and advice!

 

[nursenurse]

Wow. It seems to me she was looking for an excuse to go. My sufferer has a dog, not a trained therapy dog, but nonetheless, his dog. She is not the breed of dog I would have picked for myself had I been dog hunting. I trained newfies many years ago. She adopted him. She is a pug something cross, and fortunately received the intelligence of the "something" in the gene pool. The first time he spent a few days with me, it wasn't 24 hours before he decided he needed his dog. For a split second, I looked at him cross eyed, then gave my head a shake. This little doggie is all he really has when I am away for work for weeks at a time. He calls her his four legged therapy. And she is the most well trained, loving little dog I have met in a long time. She even loves me. She now goes wherever we go. He refers to me as "Mum" when he's talking to the dog. So I guess I am a keeper :)

The moral of the story - your girl just doesn't get it, and further more, doesn't want to get it. If you give up your dogs, guaranteed she would be asking you for another pound of flesh later on. It isn't about the dogs. It's about her not wanting to be in the relationship. Move on, there's someone out there more worthy of your love.