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Sufferer Fighting Every Day

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Jai

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So, I don't really even know where to begin.
I've suffered from traumatic nightmares since I was 5 or 6 years old. In these dreams, I'm at my mother's place of work, and I am attacked and raped by one of her coworkers. I have had this same dream for the past 18 years. Some nights I'm lucky enough to sleep soundly, but most nights I wake up screaming, clawing, and crying.
My mother says that it isn't possible, that its just a dream. But it's so vivid and so consistent. And when I see the man from my nightmares, I experience panic attacks.
These dreams have caused years of anxiety and depression. And, like so many other girls, I let my depression weaken me, making me vulnerable. I ended up dating abuser after abuser.
I am happily engaged to a wonderful man. But I still have moments where I panic - if my fiance moves suddenly, or if I am alone with a man. I still wake up nightly from the dream.
I don't know what to do.
 
I have a therapist, who I've been seeing for 3 years. But I have trouble opening up about this. I can talk about other parts of my life, other stresses and cause for depression. But not this, even though I know it's the root of the issue.
 
Is he a trauma therapist? Are you learning coping skills?
 
Therapy isn't usually permanent (new insurance company will not include my therapist, who I've seen for a few years, but we have a little bit of an extension for now). So if you know this is the big issue, do you happen to know what is holding you back from bringing it up? Are you afraid talking about it will make it true/real? Do you doubt it on some level because of what your mom said? Are you afraid you will somehow unravel, or uncertain how your therapist can help you with this? Do you trust your therapist?

Repeated nightmares like this certainly mean something.
 
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Your Therapist is not your mother, and will not likely respond to you the same way; at least one would not expect that. If the T. does respond the same, maybe time to get a new T.

Is your mother always this invalidating? Gosh, I hate to hear that you've had the same kind of poor excuse for a human being for a mother that I had.

But I think you're right to suspect this dream is important.

Frankly, your mother doesn't understand psychology or dreams very well.

I hope your T. helps you to work through this with unconditional support and as a good listener.
 
I have a therapist, who I've been seeing for 3 years. But I have trouble opening up about this. I can talk about other parts of my life, other stresses and cause for depression. But not this, even though I know it's the root of the issue.

@Jai opening up about it is the only way to begin to learn how to cope and heal. Bottling it up isn't going to get you there, even though you're talking about other factors that contribute to but are not the root of what you know needs to be confronted.

I hope you have a therapist you trust? Like, honestly trust? Otherwise, maybe that is a good place to start in order for you to be able to conquer the fear of discussing it.

Sending thoughts your way
 
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