Hi,
I am still reletively new to the forum and I haven't yet written much, but right now, I feel I need to vent a little, because I fight against a fall down into depression.
Like most here, I didn't have an easy life and I never had many friends. I'm not a crowd person, I tend to be odd and reclusive and I had mental problems... like all my life. they just got worse and worse until I could barely function. Somehow though I always made it without having to be put in hospital by force. (The thought of being hospitalized just terrifies me. I don't do well in unfamiliar enviorments and totally close off)
A couple of years ago, I met my bf. she's truly amazing and although I can be really trying, annoying and straining and bitchy, she sticks by me. She's like family.
But she moved shortly after she got togehter with her boyfriend. Which is a very nice man and I loke to think we're friends too. for a while it wasn't so bad, she lived 2 hours with the train away and i went to visit her ervery couple of weeks for a long weekend or a week or more. But they had to move again and now they live much farther and less affordable to go often. Still I got to see them like 3 times a year. But fate made it so, we now only see eacht other like once a year.
I just returned from a visit and like always.... I miss them terribly. Not just my best friend buit her boyfriend and his mom and brother (they live in the same house). They're all rally nice and understanding. I never feel like a freak when I'm with them. They don't make a big deal out of my ptsd, depression and phobioas. They accept me like I am.
But here, where I live... I just got... nobody. I rarely leave the house. I lock myself in my own appartment. It's gotten worse, since neighbhors of mine drunkenly crashed my door a few months back. I can't sleep now without extra security.
Anyway.
I'm back home only since yesterday, I have stayed there for 5 weeks, but I wont see them again till christmas. And I miss them. I feel like curling up and crying, till I am too tired to even stay awake and then sleep, sleep sleep.
I try to distract myself, but... It's just too quiet and alone here. I am somewhat afraid of my neighbors and I just want to go back there. Which I can't. I feel pathetic an whiny and I have no idea what to do withmyself. I don't want to do something stupid or unhealthy.
I just have no idea how to deal with this in a way that would make it better. And I feel silly. Instead of being greatful, that I have such amazing friends I complain, because I don't have them around all the time...
I am still reletively new to the forum and I haven't yet written much, but right now, I feel I need to vent a little, because I fight against a fall down into depression.
Like most here, I didn't have an easy life and I never had many friends. I'm not a crowd person, I tend to be odd and reclusive and I had mental problems... like all my life. they just got worse and worse until I could barely function. Somehow though I always made it without having to be put in hospital by force. (The thought of being hospitalized just terrifies me. I don't do well in unfamiliar enviorments and totally close off)
A couple of years ago, I met my bf. she's truly amazing and although I can be really trying, annoying and straining and bitchy, she sticks by me. She's like family.
But she moved shortly after she got togehter with her boyfriend. Which is a very nice man and I loke to think we're friends too. for a while it wasn't so bad, she lived 2 hours with the train away and i went to visit her ervery couple of weeks for a long weekend or a week or more. But they had to move again and now they live much farther and less affordable to go often. Still I got to see them like 3 times a year. But fate made it so, we now only see eacht other like once a year.
I just returned from a visit and like always.... I miss them terribly. Not just my best friend buit her boyfriend and his mom and brother (they live in the same house). They're all rally nice and understanding. I never feel like a freak when I'm with them. They don't make a big deal out of my ptsd, depression and phobioas. They accept me like I am.
But here, where I live... I just got... nobody. I rarely leave the house. I lock myself in my own appartment. It's gotten worse, since neighbhors of mine drunkenly crashed my door a few months back. I can't sleep now without extra security.
Anyway.
I'm back home only since yesterday, I have stayed there for 5 weeks, but I wont see them again till christmas. And I miss them. I feel like curling up and crying, till I am too tired to even stay awake and then sleep, sleep sleep.
I try to distract myself, but... It's just too quiet and alone here. I am somewhat afraid of my neighbors and I just want to go back there. Which I can't. I feel pathetic an whiny and I have no idea what to do withmyself. I don't want to do something stupid or unhealthy.
I just have no idea how to deal with this in a way that would make it better. And I feel silly. Instead of being greatful, that I have such amazing friends I complain, because I don't have them around all the time...
