Fighting The Dark

[Alibongo]

Hey @Bristol1485 I'm in a similar place just now so probably not any help to you but just wanted to say that I hope you are ok and get through this tough bit hugs x

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Bristol1485 - Fully understand that merry-go-round in the mind. I'm still fighting it. I can't seem to find my words, here, as your post sounds like I wrote it. I can share what I've done and where I'm at though. First, good for you in reaching out!!!! That is still difficult for me.

I had to stop drinking because it has destroyed my body and I'm now dealing with real health issues. I'm working on abating an eating disorder too, but the alcohol had to go pronto. So, how to cope, how to think, what to do with myself and my spinning mind.... For me, it was partly my faith and partly reading the posts of others on top of many years of research. Dots are being connected. What keeps coming into my mind is the thought of "being still." Something my mind and emotions just haven't done for the past decade since the lid was ripped off of Pandora's box and subsequent trauma impacted my life. It seems to be the answer - so how do I "be still" with myself. Working on it.

Lately, I've seemed to reach an impasse as it all had gotten to be too much. It's been very difficult, but I've applied every coping mechanism I've ever read or heard about and just tried to be gentle with myself. So, it's one day at a time; sometimes, one moment at a time. It's about what I can do each day to make a better way for myself, what I need to do each day to ensure I keep my head above water in many regards - the daily stuff we all do, it's about where I can be consistent and how I can be still with myself. It's about prayer and believing and about trust. It's about light and Grace with a big "G." That's what's working for me.

I'm a work in progress so am not so surefooted in my thinking/expression of the journey, but well, we all do what we can and that has to be enough. Right? We have to accept that at some point. Perfection has left the planet. It's a hard road to quit drinking, but it seems to be where you're at. You know it has to go and that going into your child's mind isn't the answer. You are also wise enough to know you need healthier coping mechanisms to get yourself to a healthier place and you're reaching out for help in various ways. That is a great start. I wish you much goodness and healing, and hope some of this might be helpful to you in your journey. Best to you. VB

 

[Bristol]

@VioletButterfly thank you for taking the time to reply. I dont really even know why i drink. I always assume that this will be the drink i feel better but i dont. My dad always believes a drink solves everything so i guess thats where i get it from mostly. Being still is something i can never do, i have adhd on top of everything else so being still, calm, relaxed is completely impossible not to mention the hyperviligence that is my biggest problem. I think thats why getting out of my mind is always the route i choose because its exhshsting being in it. Self harming makes me feel calm.the problem with that is my husband doesnt know i do it and its really hard to keep it secret.

 

[Kolten]

I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless at times you feel death is your only option. I have been there too. Recently so hopeless I went to a hospital for two days. I lost all ambition of caring either way alive or not. I felt I didn't wanna live this life if that's how it would be lived anymore with my PTSD. But I spent ALOT of time while in there thinking of how possibly I could do or change one thing even to make my life better. I realized i was not working on ME like I should be doing or taking care of me and doing what's best for me. I had spent months upon months more worried about those i had exposed to PTSD and what would happen to them or how they felt. What i realized is all the guilt and shame in this world doesn't change the past or what happened in it. I needed to move forward. Find a way to be ok with what's happened and happening and start doing something different for me. Try writing daily positive affirmations to urself. Every morning or even throughout the day. Whenever u need. Remind urself of the good and dont allow yourself to live in the bad anymore. Not everyday will be perfect. U will have roadbumbs. Big ones. Small ones. The big ones become smaller with time and coping skills. Read positive quotes online there's thousands. Write them down. By writing them it validates them in ur mind and u believe them. The mind is a powerful thing. If u think u cant u won't. Think u can and u will. U gta try something u have never tried to get where u have never gotten. Don't feel shameful of how u feel either. Its ok. It will pass. Focus on being the best version of u right now. Whatever that looks like. If that's making it outta bed..great. Taking a shower..excellent. One small step at a time. When ur really down get on here. Talk to ppl who can relate. We have been there. We fight it too. Right beside u. Keep ur chin up my friend. It will get better. I promise.

 

[Bristol]

@Kolten thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I hope you are feeling better after your stay in hospital. I love your idea of changing the focus, i never put myself first im always putting all my energy into krrping my secrets and hiding my self harm and anything that makes me look vulnerable. But like you say i need to look after myself, i need to shower, i need to out of my jogging bottoms and i need to get myself going, even a bit of exercise. I know my adhd is better on days i exercise but i cabt rember the last time i could be bothered or the last time it seemed worth the effort. My main aim today is not to drink so we will see how i get on. Thank you again

 

[VioletButterfly]

Maybe some work on self-compassion techniques and identifying your cognitive distortions might be the ticket for you right now? There is a great deal around the website regarding those two topics. You seem to know that you don't like the way your life is at present, but from what you've written you don't seem to be acknowledging that you do have a choice in how your life goes moving forward. That you do have the power within yourself to change and that power lies in your choosing life.

Are you really living or are you hiding in your past, in your secrets, in your behaviors, in closing off with alcohol? Just something to maybe think about now, or maybe tuck away until you feel ready to go there in your mind.

It takes a long, long time (at least it has for me) to get to the point where each one of us is even ready to do the work. We, first, have to learn how to stabilize and cope before going into deeper waters with PTSD. I still pull out my mental floaties sometimes when the waters of my mind get too deep or too rough. Take care. VB

 

[Kolten]

@Bristol1485
No problem at all. If one thing I said made even a little difference it's always worth it. Always worth it to not feel alone too. Pls feel free to PM me anytime if u need a little help gettin by. I'm right here with ya.

 

[Bristol]

@VioletButterfly Thank you for replying, ill definately have a look into what you suggested. I still treat myself as badly as i was treated as a child, i guess there is some comfort in that or at least some familiarity. I dont think i face anything, partly cause i dont know how and partly because it scares the life out of me. Im trying to start writing, hoping this evening with no alchohol and my husband being away i might be able to find a bit of peace in that and distraction from self harm.

@Kolten it definately helped so thank you, same to you on the PM im always here too

 

[NatBird]

@NatBird its not been great, had to distract myself big time this morning from p...

I'm sorry there's no reprieve. Are there any activities that might help to place your attention somewhere else?

When I did qi gong yesterday, I couldn't really focus on the feelings because I had to pay attention to the breath and where I could feel it in the body. It helped open up space for other things to come in, simple things like light and trees.

It will change.

Sending support and a hug if welcome.

Hope you can get some rest.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I had a T one time tell me that I was picking up where my abusers had left off. Ringing any bells? So, I get it. It's very difficult when you're in that place to see that you can get out of it and move on and have a healthier and happier life. I'm sending some light your way to help you find your way up. I have found that in seeking the light, it beats down on the darkness that seems to envelope all thought and feeling to the point where we feel we can't break the chains. Here, take these keys along with the light. Hang in there. VB

 

[Bristol]

@NatBird thanks for replying, I've been trying to do a few bits today, easy bits but stuff to make myself feel useful, bit of washing up and tidying. Been playing on video games this afternoon which isn't normally something I do but seems to have killed a couple of hours. Qi gong sounds good, I hadn't heard of it but just had a google it sounds a lot like Yoga.

@VioletButterfly that certainly rings some bells, at least i'm not weird for thinking that that is what I am doing to myself. Try so hard to distance myself from it that its hard to admit that I'm not helping myself. Thank you for your kind words, I'm going to try and make tomorrow a better day

So glad I found this site your all so lovely and I feel so much less alone :)

 

[NatBird]

Yes sometimes just those simple things -washing up etc can give enough space and keep your place tidy! Sommat I have a history of struggling with.

Are you able to do physical exercises - simple stretches, holding postures. Yin Yoga can be helpful - all the attention goes into the body. Sure thoughts come but a new set: how long have I been holding this posture, Am I doing it right etc. Sometimes a change is as good as...
Thing with some body practices is they can trigger body memory/flashbacks so if you do stretch or do some Yin, try to really be aware of how youre feeling before and after.

Also do you play an instrument?
I was thinking this for my own FB recovery kit yesterday.

It sounds like you're having a slightly better day today.

It's good that you have a lot of people supporting you here too.

Keep doing what's good and kind to you as much as you can manage.