Figuring out where to stand - making a complaint against a supervisor with PTSD

[IamFree]

When your progressing in trauma recovery one of the hardest things to witness is someone else who is further down the line and the inner conflict it creates ..the horror with there behaviour and how its affecting the group morale and the compassion for knowing what it is as I myself was in that place of anger ..control , and loss of self awareness/ co-dependency , it like you know the person more than they know them selfs . For the past 6 months me and my department has been on the receiving end of a new supervisor who I recognise as being in that place. I am for the first time having to learn how to look at it from both sides and I have had to choose to stand with my colleagues in making a group complaint to the director almost everyone in the department has been affected by the negativity. I have wondered if I have violated my values for taking part in such a thing but I cant ignore any more how this issue affects others..its like a disease which people can catch.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think it is best to do what is most beneficial for the majority of folks there and the company itself. Just my opinion, but maybe it is worth something.

 

[IamFree]

Of course the fact is trauma is bad for society if it was not a problem for other people then there would be no need for all these websites and therapys e.t.c. We would just be like oh this person is traumatised there just trying to control me bully me and shovelling all there shit on me to try and deal with it oh well lets just get on with the work. , Its natures way of saying something is wrong and the problem needs to be solved. I guess its a case of separating the behaviour from the person and addressing what is relevant.

 

[shimmerz]

the horror with there behaviour and how its affecting the group morale and the compassion for knowing what it is as I myself was in that place of anger ..control , and loss of self awareness/ co-dependency

Just curious as to how you got yourself beyond this state of being and whether you suffered while you were in it with people keeping you at a distance?

If you had advice for this person, what you would say?

 

[grit]

Thanks for writing this Iamfree.

I think there is a time to distinguish between trauma and abuse. It is like racist or sexist. you can be racist or sexist all you want in your bed, in your house, in your garden, but when you start to systematically impose it on others unfairly and without regard to their autonomy and integrity, then sorry you have crossed a line and you are just a racist or a sexist or an abuser.

I do not know if you know this person has trauma for sure because they told you or you are assuming but at the end of the day, I hope your group complaint was objective, fair and the right judgement and was not based on your gut feeling alone. I hope there were documented and possible resolutions to this issue to give this person a fair chance to improve.

As much as I suffer from someone's abuse, I do not want to condone another adult doing the same. We all have free will and if one can work and make money, then one has the opportunity to seek help and not bulldooze on others because under the pretense of I was abused therefore I should mantra.

Jails are full of traumatised people who chose to perpetuate what was done to them and half of them (or maybe even more) still do not want to make that connection so who am I to convince it is their trauma but not them? I have to give each person the benefit of the doubt that they are intelligent for their own good.

Sometimes something like this has to happen to awaken the soul and to seek help.

You did the right thing.

 

[Friday]

Understanding where something is coming from, even making allowances for it, isn’t an all access pass & get out of jail free card.

If something is a problem? It’s a problem. Regardless of where it’s coming from.

It’s like ...someone may be cut some slack who is going through grief. Some late days, some early leaves, some snippy temper & outbursts, some spacing out, etc. Some.

Because at a certain point, it becomes a problem that exceeds the workplace ability to deal with it. That’s a sign, in and of itself, that things are getting worse -instead of better- and needs to be handled in a different way. For everyone’s benefit. There are always individuals in jobs who for some reason or other never get called into account, and suffer in profound grief & terrible work ethic, shoved away in some dark cubby of an office where they can do the least amount of damage. Everyone too skeered to deal with them, and their pissed off broken selves to lashy to deal with it themselves. That’s not good for the business OR the individual. But? Apathy. Has predictable results. If the person themselves can’t face the problem, and their office doesn’t care to do more than shove them under a rug somewhere, things just stagnate.

Being called into account, meanwhile? Is never fun. But it gives the person a chance to stay, and the business a chance to keep a valued employee.

It doesn’t really matter what the “thing” is. PTSD, grief, depression, etc... we can understand & empathize without apathetically writing them a blank check to f*ck up as much as they feel like, with no consequences.

If it’s become a problem? It’s a problem.

 

[IamFree]

Just curious as to how you got yourself beyond this state of being and whether you suffered while you were in it with people keeping you at a distance?

If you had advice for this person, what you would say?

I think learning self awareness was the key things ..first thing throwing out the numbing and avoiding behaviours...the drink and drugs . the excessive control of self and others and the raging ,mindfulness , letting the feelings return..listening to people with a balanced undistorted view ..its a lifelong journey i am still learning more and more about my self every day....well yeah i became a pretty isolated person to be honest it did not feel bad at the time as i could not feel anything but i feel it now i feel how sad and alone it left me though i am building bridges with the world now.

What advice would i give her..just to keep it simple it would be..trying to control the whole world is a losing game.

Thanks for writing this Iamfree.

I think there is a time to distinguish between trauma and abuse. It is like racist or sexist. you can be racist or sexist all you want in your bed, in your house, in your garden, but when you start to systematically impose it on others unfairly and without regard to their autonomy and integrity, then sorry you have crossed a line and you are just a racist or a sexist or an abuser.

I do not know if you know this person has trauma for sure because they told you or you are assuming but at the end of the day, I hope your group complaint was objective, fair and the right judgement and was not based on your gut feeling alone. I hope there were documented and possible resolutions to this issue to give this person a fair chance to improve.

As much as I suffer from someone's abuse, I do not want to condone another adult doing the same. We all have free will and if one can work and make money, then one has the opportunity to seek help and not bulldooze on others because under the pretense of I was abused therefore I should mantra.

Jails are full of traumatised people who chose to perpetuate what was done to them and half of them (or maybe even more) still do not want to make that connection so who am I to convince it is their trauma but not them? I have to give each person the benefit of the doubt that they are intelligent for their own good.

Sometimes something like this has to happen to awaken the soul and to seek help.

You did the right thing.

you have a good point there really i am assuming as she has not told me..I can only say i am 99% certain as I can see in someone else what is and has been in my self...I think the other thing is that i have seen flashes of this person being basicly a good person but dominated by that false angry controlling self ....yes indeed sometimes this may be the only thing to give someone a wake up call if they are insisting on holding on to this sense of the problem is all with the rest of the world.

Understanding where something is coming from, even making allowances for it, isn’t an all access pass & get out of jail free card.

If something is a problem? It’s a problem. Regardless of where it’s coming from.

It’s like ...someone may be cut some slack who is going through grief. Some late days, some early leaves, some snippy temper & outbursts, some spacing out, etc. Some.

Because at a certain point, it becomes a problem that exceeds the workplace ability to deal with it. That’s a sign, in and of itself, that things are getting worse -instead of better- and needs to be handled in a different way. For everyone’s benefit. There are always individuals in jobs who for some reason or other never get called into account, and suffer in profound grief & terrible work ethic, shoved away in some dark cubby of an office where they can do the least amount of damage. Everyone too skeered to deal with them, and their pissed off broken selves to lashy to deal with it themselves. That’s not good for the business OR the individual. But? Apathy. Has predictable results. If the person themselves can’t face the problem, and their office doesn’t care to do more than shove them under a rug somewhere, things just stagnate.

Being called into account, meanwhile? Is never fun. But it gives the person a chance to stay, and the business a chance to keep a valued employee.

It doesn’t really matter what the “thing” is. PTSD, grief, depression, etc... we can understand & empathize without apathetically writing them a blank check to f*ck up as much as they feel like, with no consequences.

If it’s become a problem? It’s a problem.

Thank you for this it has helped me re evaluate my values on this. Up until now i have held this beleif that because i went through it i must be supportive of someone who is to. Other people do not deserve to suffer the consequneces of events that were nothing to do with them and this has to end somewere . Its all about commpassion with boundarys for me now.