Finally Took The Step To Come Here

[Deleted member 6617]

I have been avoiding this forum for a long time now. Guess I was afraid to take that step to cross over from the PTSD forum to here. It is time though.

My sisters and I were sexually abused by my father, for me it was from age 3 to 9. He made us play sex games with him, like spin the bottle. If the bottle pointed to you, you were his target to do with as he pleased while the other three watched. So many child games he turned into horror for me. To this day I have a hard time playing certain games and I never made them available to my children. This is the first time I have ever confessed to that. He made us drink beer as part of the "game". After my mom died when I was 5, the abuse continued during visitations. His new wife participated in this and often they made me a part of a threesome....God bile rises in my throat to even write that. Finally at age 9 I refused to go visit him anymore.

I have gone through therapy for the abuse I suffered, but was unable to continue because of financial reasons. I am now back in counseling and trying to retrain my beliefs about myself. I see myself as a survivor not a victim. I did survive and I will continue to do so. Ups and downs along the way yes, but I will survive!

 

[WonderingWhy]

Welcome,
Great job for a first post!:thumbsup: I am sorry that you were treated so horribly. You are a SURVIVOR.
You said that after your mom died you "visited" your dad. Who were you living with after your mom was gone? Was your dad's abuse ever exposed???? I hope so.:thinking:
You are strong and I can tell will continue to heal. I hope you can do this with as little pain and difficulty as possible.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 6617]

After my mom died I went to live with my aunt and uncle. They had no idea and no he was not exposed until years and years later. That is something I struggle with every day. That I did not tell someone before he died and make the SOB pay for his actions. He was very good a instilling fear/terror if we told. He didn't just give empty threats, he went so far as to "give us a taste" of what he would do if we told. I so regret not exposing him. My sisters feel the same way.

Thanks for the welcome and the hug! PH

 

[cherryblossom]

Welcome to the forum, and well done on your first post :)

You are definitely a survivor.

 

[WonderingWhy]

They had no idea and no he was not exposed until years and years later. That is something I struggle with every day. That I did not tell someone before he died and make the SOB pay for his actions. He was very good a instilling fear/terror if we told. He didn't just give empty threats, he went so far as to "give us a taste" of what he would do if we told. I so regret not exposing him. My sisters feel the same way.
Thanks for the welcome and the hug! PH

It is normal/common to feel regretful about not "telling/reporting" abuse. I am sure you have had many "What if" thoughts over the years. You will read on this forum most of us have.:( The truth is you are HERE so what ever you did was correct. :thumbsup:You did what the child you were knew to survive. He was as you stated "very good at instilling fear/terror if we told." He was an evil cruel :devil:adult! You were a scared child with a determination to "SURVIVE" and thankfully you did.:applause: Don't:no: doubt your actions. You nor your sisters have any responsibility for the abuse he chose to inflict upon you and others. You are the one responsible for doing whatever it took to survive.:bounce::hug::hug:

 

[Blutarg]

Welcome to the forum Pottershand (I like that name).
I also agree that you are a survivor. Clearly you have made it this far and you are going much further still.

A man like that chose to do what he did so, as WW says, you and your sisters do not hold the responsibility for that.
I understand your sense of regret and possible remorse but you are in the now and need to heal from now on. It is a long and hard journey, but I believe it can be done. I hope you find the support you deserve here :hug:

 

[suzie q]

Welcome!!

I too procrastinated in joining this forum. Glad you decided to join!:hug:
May we help each other in the healing that needs to take place...

 

[Nyx]

Welcome. Hope you find the support you need here.

 

[Powder]

Hi Pottershand,
Thank you for your posts. I am going through similar remorse with mine. I am terrified that since I didn't remember until recently, my daughter may have been abused. How could I not remember??? This is very scary territory, and it causes me much pain. We've been trying to get her into counseling just for kids here in town with "the best in town" but now, after two reschedules, she is no longer taking new patients!!! So we've been waiting over a month for nothing. But maybe it wasn't meant for her or best for her (Providence?). So my counselor has mentioned that I can bring her with me and introduce her to see if my child (11) likes her and so forth. I'm just so worried/paranoid since I let my mom (my parents are still living and together) babysit her from like age 3-5 a couple times a week for a few hours while I was finishing up my degrees. I had no idea of any abuse like that, and thought nothing of it. I remembered the terrible spanking my dad did, but that was years ago, and he'd changed so much since then; so I wasn't worried. Plus it was mom there, and Dad works, so only there for a half hour to eat his lunch most days.

Since I have had a flashback and gotten one memory fully restored (I had been obsessing over just part of it, and only lately allowed myself to remember or think about the rest, in stages, as it's so painful) I know my dad molested, maybe raped me, and likely my sister, too.

If I allow myself to wonder about my daughter, I feel like I'm going to go crazy! My overprotectiveness goes haywire. The thing my imagination keeps focusing on is that after I went back to school, she said I didn't spend enough time with her, and she began eating more, and gained weight.

I've noticed that she'll emotionally eat when I am preoccupied. I was a stay at home mom and we did everything together, were basically attached at the hip, so I want to believe that it's all about bonding/separation issues and that he didn't touch her while she was over there. My heart is just so "broken" right now, I don't know what to think, and my husband says just don't think about it. Obviously, it's hard, because I'm trying to be closer with her and talk with her more, and every time I am having a heart to heart with her, the thought comes up after or during, and my poor mother's heart in me is breaking. This is just too much for me to think about. I have to heal my own wounds, and not worry about what may or may not have happened to my daughter?

Honestly, if I ever found out he did something to her, I don't know what I'd do. The problem is that she likely wouldn't remember either, like me, for so long, he'd probably be dead anyways.

She and I had the talk and I hope that she would've told me...Here I go obsessing. Please help! I can't talk to my H about it, because he dosen't worry like I do (he's not PTSD) and he doesn't think there are any signs and I'm such a doting mom, I would have noticed things. I did notice more eating, but he reminds me that since the day she was born, she was a big eater, which is true, very hungry all the time, and premature. She is an emotional eater, too, and that may just be part of who she is, and due more to my PTSD and not being emotionally available like I should be (I am but I have to "turn it on" and I'm not all the time).

Basically, I just recently remembered I was molested by my father, and I'm still freaked out about it especially as regards my child and of course my sister. But that is a whole other post.

Potershand, that brings me to my question (sorry I'm typing a novel; there is just so much that is needing to come out at this time):

You mentioned sisters. Mine is in denial and has cut me off. I am so hoping to not lose her, as she's my only sister and I love her. I want to help her, her life's such a mess as she adds drama to the present to avoid the past (or recreate it) and I just feel so helpless with her now. What would be great is someone here who's been through this with sisters and has some hope or idea of how to hold one's head up with the anger coming at one.

Thanks, Muse

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Hi Muse,

Thanks for being so open, I feel your pain and how unsure you are as far as your daughter goes. I just want to say in regards to that, when it happened to me I had wished someone would have asked me. I wanted to tell without being the one telling. A question would have opened the door for me and got me the help I needed so much sooner. Anyway, that is my opinion only.

My sisters have not been in denial about what happened, but are in denial about how it has affected them. They do not seek counseling or believe they need it. Instead they smoke, drink, take anti-depressants, and call it good enough. They keep to themselves emotionally and don't allow people close to them. It is hard for them to receive love and hugs and affection of any type. One of them for years was full of anger and rage and alienated herself from the rest of us. Time seemed to heal that. Time and the rest of us keeping the doors of communication open for her. She is the one who has a drinking problem now, but won't admit it. She has buried her rage in alcohol.

Anyway, I hope something I said was helpful. Sometimes I just think I don't think like other people. I have a twisted view of life and love and relationships. I want love, but can't seem to grasp it for myself, yet I think I give it to others.

I wish you much peace!

 

[Mercy]

Hey, Pottershand, It is so good to see you here too. Now we can be more open about the things that really hurt.

 

[cherryblossom]

My sisters have not been in denial about what happened, but are in denial about how it has affected them. They do not seek counseling or believe they need it. Instead they smoke, drink, take anti-depressants, and call it good enough. They keep to themselves emotionally and don't allow people close to them. It is hard for them to receive love and hugs and affection of any type. One of them for years was full of anger and rage and alienated herself from the rest of us. Time seemed to heal that. Time and the rest of us keeping the doors of communication open for her. She is the one who has a drinking problem now, but won't admit it. She has buried her rage in alcohol.

For some people this is only way they know how to deal. It often doesn't matter what anyone tells them about getting help, or seeking counselling or whatever. Unless the person is ready to put in the hard work, we can only make gentle suggestions. Maybe they will never accept how they have been affected, but maybe in time, they will want to find a way to change. Denying our feelings is a big part of being abused, and trying to change can be frightening. Well done to you, for leading the way. Given time your Sisters may follow your pathway. But all you can do for now, is love them and be there for them.