Finally Unfrozen In Time But Extremely Confused

[FindingMyself88]

Welcome to the forum! The way my therapist states it is I have PTSD with complex traumas. It's interesting to see how mental health professionals word the same thing. Anyways, I think you will find a lot of helpful ideas here and I know you will find support here. I too was abused by my dad, emotionally abused by my mom, and molested by several family members. So I understand how deep the pain can run. It seems we reacted in very opposite ways. You got stuck in your childhood so to say, where as I completely disconnected from my childhood for a long time. I don't remember being a "kid". I remember that age and time, but not the normal child activities. I am also very disconnected to the emotions from that time. I am just now starting to explore the depths of my childhood and eventually will do EMDR with my therapist.

Anyways welcome to the forum and I hope you find it as helpful as I and many others have!

 

[Kalbi]

@franciemarnie,
Could you elaborate more about your experience? I do find it encouraging, that I can feel something. I feel like the clock finally started ticking, and I've been missing out on so much. I definitely understand if it's personal, but it's nice to hear that someone has a similar experience. On top of feeling awkward about my realization that I was viewing the world in a different state, I think I'm going insane sometimes when I read my journal entries about this experience.[DOUBLEPOST=1399389897,1399389709][/DOUBLEPOST]@FindingMyself88,
I kind of wished I don't remember my child activities. I remember telling myself it was fun playing with kids but never really feeling it. Majority of my time was really spent thinking about better realities. I used to play video games all the time and get entrapped in the story. I would always hit major depression when the game ended because it felt like my life ended. Everyone always says I was an extremely happy and smiling child, but I found out recently it was a defense mechanism. I was only showing emotions I knew would be crucial to my survival, so I locked everything else away. I'm tearing now thinking about how painful growing up was and I'm glad my psyche numbed me out. Living out my memories and emotions now is overwhelming, and I don't think I would have been able to get through as a kid.

 

[franciemarnie]

@Kalbi - For years I felt like I was living inside some kind of vinyl capsule or that my senses were covered in thick plastic so I couldn't really feel anything. I would have an idea of the feeling but it would be so far removed, it was like a faded echo of the real thing. I couldn't smell much at all - except cigarettes and alcohol (on people). My hearing was bad to begin with. Colors were washed out. Nothing was felt directly.

I was on meds for years. They allowed me to sleep but numbed me.

After 25 years, the meds started not to work so well. I had a nervous breakdown. Everything fell apart. I got off meds completely. I got an iPod at some point and started downloading a lot of old music. I missed who I was when I was younger. Parts seemed to have split off early on at the time of trauma - 7, 9, 12, 13, 16... I saw them as separate from me because I couldn't feel their chronological narrative experience. I knew it happened like watching a movie, but it didn't seem like it happened to me.

I wrote a letter one day to the 12 year old and another to the 16 year old and told them I missed them and would they come back. (I had read a couple books on Soul Integration and soul parts which gave me the idea.) Almost immediately I felt the younger parts coming up inside. It was thrilling. But I also was flooded with the emotion they never were allowed to release. That was exhausting. Cry, cry, cry.

That intensity faded - thank God because it was overwhelming. I feel more integrated, more the visceral result of my linear history. But I feel I have a ways to go.

 

[Mercy]

Kalbi, I have child parts of me as if they were frozen in time. Some are unfrozen but I don't recognize them until I experience size distortion. I have to ask my Husband if I'm holding a teaspoon or a tablespoon. The tablespoon looks like a teaspoon and the tablespoon looks like a serving spoon. It doesn't scare me. I think my psyche let the traumas unfold naturally over the last 20 years. Congratulations of getting to experience of growing up, have the fun you missed. I like rocking chairs. They let me feel as if I am in a swing.

Welcome. I look forward to your posts.

 

[Taylor30313]

@Kalbi

Being here does help sometimes, because most people you interact with don't have PTSD or atleast you don't know it if they do therefore can't relate to them on that level. I relate a lot to what FindingMyself88 is saying. I don't remember being a kid and I remember thinking even in childhood that I felt "different" from other kids and people in general. The best way I know how to describe it is my childhood feels like I went through years at a time in a dissociated mind set. Years. Which explains why I also have some memory loss too. I pretty much went with the motions for most of my growing up years. Partially because of the sexual abuse but also because of the hostile environment my parents created. Drugs, violence, alcohol, and instability. That's how I would describe it. Time standing still and then I blink my eyes and here I am 21.

I think when I'm ready, I'd love to look into meditation. That was a great suggestion.