Finally Unfrozen In Time But Extremely Confused

[Kalbi]

Hello! I apologize in advance for the long post below:

I was diagnosed with something similar to Complex PTSD. This is a result of growing up with an abusive father and a lot of neglect from both parents during my developmental years.

I've always felt I was stuck in time as a kid. The first time I was conscious of my conscious was at 6, and I remember that traumatic feeling and locked it up. Growing up, I always acted like a big kid, I always enjoyed watching shows such as "Little Bear" and never knowing why. But I did always tell myself that I felt stuck in time. Fast forward to 26, I have a job and I'm living successfully on my own, but I still felt like a kid and had a lot of unwarranted anxiety. I started meditating and going through therapy and to keep a long story short, I've unlocked a lot of repressed emotions and memories (I'd love to talk about this more, it was quite the journey, but I'll save it for another thread).

I feel life for the first time. I feel like I'm in control of my life and not watching it go by. I have a bright future ahead of me and I love it.

The problem now is, my psychology is unfrozen from time but resuming where it left off. I spent the past 6 months feeling like I was in my pre-teens. I would get super shy and embarrassed if I was being looked at sexually. I would get giddy when someone I thought was attractive was approaching. The concept of love/relationship/intimacy really started to make sense and I would get so nervous just thinking about it all. It was a weird experience and everyone around me was shocked to see me no longer act all afraid of the world, but now super social, and entertainingly shy about intimacy topics.

About 4 weeks ago, another set of emotions/memories came flooding out intensely (I couldn't control what I said during a hangout with my friend). I said some really negative thoughts and I know where it came from. NOW, I feel like a rebellious teenager. I want to seek my own identify and try different looks (except I already have an established one, which I'm happy about). I feel I am on top of the world and I can conquer anything, and I want to. I also feel like I am also capable of having really bad attitudes (luckily mindfulness helps with this). I also find myself to be more sexually active than before. I know what age I feel like and it's just... hard to go through. Again, everyone notices how much I've changed in the past year. I'm super confident at work and driving business decisions/meetings as opposed to being the guy who afraid to send an email.

I know what age I feel like because I get flashbacks of memories at the age, but now I know exactly what I should have felt in those memories instead of just numb.

Throughout this process, I can feel/hear my voice getting deeper, my body getting stronger, my mind growing wiser. My face even looks like it has aged past the look of a boy.

I am still seeing my therapist but I just want to find people to relate to. Telling this to my friends gets me some odd responses. They can see, hear, notice all the dramatic change, but can't comprehend when I explain what's been going on. Does anyone else have a similar experience? I know we all have very different experiences/recovery, but I am so shocked this is happening. I've spent my whole life in a dazed/depersonalized/derealized state, and this is so new to me :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome.

DSM V was just released, so it will be a number of years before the next one comes out. I haven't heard anything about "post traumatic mental disorder" and to be honest I hope it never comes to be as the word mental would further stigmatize the disorder rather than acknowledge it as an injury.

(@anthony, is this another term for CPTSD?)

Welcome!

 

[anthony]

Never heard of it... no such thing as there is no current drafting for the DSM 6 either. Otherwise, welcome to the forum.

 

[Kalbi]

Thanks, sorry, for now I'll keep it Complex PTSD instead of labeling it. I'll edit my original post.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There's no such thing as CPTSD, either...

 

[billie]

If whatever your professional team has told you, it is what it is and welcome. I am sorry to hear of your experiences, don't dwell on any diagnosis names, just focus on recovery buddy. I wish you well.

 

[Taylor30313]

Come on let's give Kalbi a warm welcome! :) What ever has brought you here whether we call it PTSD, CPTSD, or just keep it vague and call it a disorder... Welcome! I'm sorry for what you were put through; every child deserve love, respect, and attention but sometimes life has other obstacles in mind and they won't wait for an adult mind to handle them. I do relate to you, although I reacted differently as you did state above we all do. But I also can feel where you're coming and find similarities. I too spent a lot of life very detached and when I actually think about the first moment I didn't it was quite scary time for me. When it really dawned on me what I had lost I was a mess and then I built my wall back up and I'm pretty numb most of the time. More depersonalized now than before! I hope that I can feel things someday and be comfortable with my past all at the same time. Someday. I guest if I were to give you some advice I'd advise you to be kind to yourself, and do some safe soul searching. Just go with it. Maybe you didn't get to do that as a teenager and need to now. I think that's perfectly fine! If you ever need to talk message me. Whatever you need to say will not upset me. So if you ever need an ear I'm her! :happy:

 

[anthony]

Thanks, sorry, for now I'll keep it Complex PTSD instead of labeling it.

I think everyone gets what you mean though now... complex is the issue. Interesting name though if that's what your therapist is using. I would actually be really interested to get your therapists input on where they got that name from... are they a psychiatrist and part of the global APA procedural process?

 

[billie]

......anyway regardless of politics, this is a good place to use to gain ideas for recovery.I have found some powerful ideas to use for dealing with grounding. I have also met some lovely people here too.

 

[fly away home]

This is interesting. ... my psychiatrist was the one who introduced me to the term cptsd. Looks like no one likes the c word.

Either way welcome to the forum! It's a great place to be.

 

[franciemarnie]

It sounds maybe like encapsulated parts, frozen parts, are coming thru and that's exciting! Something inside shifted. Maybe parts are integrating. I have had that. I find it encouraging. Welcome!

 

[Kalbi]

What my therapist said is that PTSD usually results in a 1 time incident. The term came to fruition after wars. What it doesn't encapsulate is repeated trauma over a prolonged period of time. This leads to what they have diagnosed as CPTSD. The reason why it's segregated is because recovery for CPTSD differs from PTSD.

The reason why she says mine can't simply be called PTSD or CPTSD is because it's a prolonged period of trauma during the development phases of brain as a child. It's known that this form of PTSD has different results and different effects on the neurochemistry of the brain, but they can't put a label on it yet.

To be honest, I'm not sure why there are a few people who dislike anything other than PTSD, but I'll keep it as PTSD to avoid any conflict.

@Taylor30313,
Thanks for sharing. It's good to read about other people feeling detached. I remember telling my friends growing up that I feel completely detached from everything I do. I'm very sorry you built the walls back up. The feeling of lost times is traumatizing on its own. I feel like I finally woke up and I'm 26 without partaking in my life. I recommend trying meditation out, and I know that's difficult because I had no idea what I was doing when I first began. I'd love to keep in touch because I find it hard to really relate to others around me.

To elaborate more on meditation:
The best phrase I used was "I was there, but I never felt like I got to experience it". I never knew I had PTSD or any form of psychological issues (I know this sounds negative, but I mean this in a completely positive way). It was only the first incident during meditating where I supposedly induced age regression on myself. I was in the process of doing a loving-kindness meditation to my younger self and I got trapped and locked in that memory for a few hours crying.

After I recovered, I noticed I could feel myself breathing. The concept of "mine" was new to me. More of these "age regressions" have happened over the past 6 months, which is such a weird experience to describe. As of now, I feel in completely control of my life and it feels stronger everyday I choose to not listen to my thoughts, but re-write them in a constructive way.

The only negative is, I still feel detached from people. It's because of lost times that they got to experience growing up. I feel like I am 10 years younger psychologically and in life experiences, which makes it hard to relate to what they're saying. Daily activities they talk about, feelings, don't resonate with me. I feel very happy and content with life, but I definitely feel isolated with what I'm going through.