Finally

[Butterlamb]

Hi... So right now I don't know what to say except that I need to talk and obviously everyone is in bed so here I go.

Right now I can't cope I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, no one knows that I'm stress right now except for my boyfriend and he is at his apartment and I am stuck here on campus surrounded my people that do not even know what I am going through or even for that matter what I went through. It is 1:40am and I can not fall asleep. I do not want to fall asleep because I have been having weird dreams for the past week.

I have had small triggers before, but not like this one. It has been 5 1/2 years since it happened and I haven't felt this bad for awhile known (not that I don't think about it all the time) - I don't think I can say what happened right now. I have class in the morning and I NEED to get some sleep at some point in time but right now my mind is racing at a mile a minute but my body feels numb. I want people to be around me to make me forget about it, but then i'm just avoiding the situation. I can't avoid it. That is why I am stress right now. I'm supposed to be working on a project but all I can think about is how I can't. I can't move. I can't express what I feel right now. I can't do what needs to be done. All I can do is sit here and hope to fall asleep.

Maybe I can explain what happened, but not now......

 

[BethRSA]

Hi Butterlamb,

I'm sorry that you feel so alone there. I understand about not wanting to sleep for fear of the terrible dreams. I've been in that situation.

Because you "know" you need to sleep and you're scared to sleep, the cycle continues. When I was scared to sleep, somehow it helped to sleep in the opposite direction as normal.

Thinking of you. We're here for you whenever you're ready to share.

:Hug_emoticon: Beth

 

[Butterlamb]

Why do people say "You were doing so good, I thought that you forgot about it?!?!" Is an event that was tragic enough to have you in hysterics and feeling like you were crazy for years really something that you can just "forget" about?!?! No I didn't forget!! As a matter of fact I think about it atleast once a day. Usually I can ignore it or just think back on the days when everything was fine and shrug it off. But I will never forget it. Why does it take a full blown episode of me going into hysterics to realize that I am not okay!?! Why can we only talk about it when I have tears rolling down my face, shaking like a leaf, holding onto you for dear life??? I will never forget it and it will always be there, and i need you to always be there to hold me when I feel like I can't stand up anymore. Sometimes I am not fine, don't believe me when I say that I am "okay" I just means that I can't find the words to tell you how I really feel or that I don't want to bring you down into the depths of what I am experiencing because I fear that bringing it up will only push you away and right now you are the only one that knows that I am not okay.

I can put up a false shield but I am shattered pieces behind this pleasant facade. I can not find a way to focus right now and I do not want to use my experience as an excuse. I want to function like everyone else. I want to meet deadlines. I want to do better. I do not want my professors asking me if I am okay because I seem distant this semester. Apparently my shield only fools a few, or maybe they are just to afraid to ask. To afraid to open up something that they are not prepared for. Something that I was NOT prepared to experience.

.....If I keep typing I think I am going to trigger something that I do not have the personal support to deal with tonight so I am going to will myself to sleep and fill tomorrow with events that make me forget about being alone....

 

[suzie q]

Hey there Butterlamb...(what a great name!!)

I see you are still on line and maybe have been unable to sleep yet. I hear what you are saying and understand your anxiety. Sometimes I stay awake all night because I can't turn my brain off. I take meds for that, but I still have the problem from time to time. Last month, it's been a lot.

For me, when I'm overloaded with the negative aspects of my life, I have to try to stop listening and force my thoughts into positive aspects of my life right now. No matter how bad I feel, I always can find something positive. Another thing I like to do is beat myself up for not having better control of my symptoms. I am still learning and today know that PTSD is a disease, not an attitude.

The thing that has helped me the most lately is writing or posting my thoughts...no matter what they may be or how silly they seem. This allows me to see a pattern that I may have some control over. I have to breath on purpose and calm myself. Tell myself I am safe and not worry about what I'm saying or how I'm saying it. I love to write and then tear it up because it isn't inspiring or grammatically correct, or sounds stupid, etc...

I'm on line now so if you just need someone to listen to calm you let me know.

 

[shiraz]

Hi Butterlamb,

I am sorry for your pain - we all know what it feels like to live with trauma and that is why we are here - to care for and support each other.

As you write more and share more, you will be supported and encouraged on your healing journey. The articles in the info section will also help a lot in creating awareness and understanding of all that goes along with PTSD.

Welcome to our community, we are glad you are here.

Shiraz

 

[bonnecanyon]

Hi Butterlamb

I can relate to your feelings. I was raised to put on a fake face. I was told that you never let anyone know you're having problems because then they won't come around anymore. "Nobody wants to know about your problems."

So every day when I go to work I have to remind myself that I will put on my fake face. I scream inside - resenting it. Asking myself how many more hours/days/weeks/months/years do I have to do this. And I'm becoming more and more aware of when I actually do it now and it's exhausting. When they leave I turn my back and breathe a sign of relief that they're gone.

Sometimes I think I'm ready for people to see me for who I really am and how I really feel, but this reaction is so ingrained in me. It doesn't feel safe to expose my true self. I have to know someone a really long time and feel really comfortable before I let me guard down.

 

[Butterlamb]

Thank you so much everyone! :Hug_emoticon:

I was so nervous about joining this and expressing myself because in the past no one ever wanted to listen, or they shifted around and gazed uncomfortably whenever I even brought up anything remotely close to what happened. But know i feel so much better knowing that I can freely express myself and get support from people who are experiencing the same things. I was so happy when I began to read everyone's responses, that instead of having tears of pain and sorrow like I did last night, I had tears of joy, tears of hope, tears of relief that I am no longer alone with this.

Maybe I'll try and start from the beginning, (this will most likely result in bits and pieces that will eventually lead to the present at another point in time)

So as a freshman in high school I had many friends who were older than me, one of which being a very close friend from dance who was a junior at the time. My friends and I frequently went over to her house for parties (not your stereotypical drinking high school party, we were more the pizza, Dance Dance Revolution and Jenga type). Well towards the end of the year she invites over a friend of hers who I had seen yet never met before. He was a senior, always in the school plays, a class clown with the brains of a child but the brawn of an ox and went by a nickname that was known around the school for his chewbacca impression. I thought he was funny, thought he was nice, but NEVER thought he was dating material; he would be just a friend.

Later that night I came to find out that we lived 2 houses away from each other and never knew it. As a result, we hung out a lot over the summer. I still did not think at ALL that I would ever date him; we wer just friends. Then towards the end of the summer, right before school starts he asked me out. I swiftly declined and he seemed okay with it. I mean come on there was a 3 1/2 year age dif. he had just graduated and i still had 3 years of school left. However, my friend from dance who "introduced us" did not see it as okay. She stopped talking to me for a few weeks. then homecoming came around, he and I were still friends, so I invited him to be my date. Then during the dance he asked me out again. I don't know if it was fear of further backlash or the happiness of dancing but I said yes.......

 

[Butterlamb]

Fatal Error

So i have been extremely stressed out all week and could not wait to see my boyfriend this weekend. Sadly enough, I was too stressed out to want to be intimate with him. The first night I pretended to be asleep. But the second night I tried to go along with it. The one main problem was I really wasn't in the mood despite my best interests and as a result my mind began to wander. With the room so dark, I couldn't see him and my mind couldn't focus on who he was. My waning interest reminded my of the times with "him" and how i didn't want to but i didnt know how to say no. Then I froze. I couldn't continue my entire body felt like it had just had a shock wave go through it. I felt bad because I abruptly stopped but my mind and body went numb. I could tell he wasn't happy (seeing as he was not aware of why i stopped). I didn't know what to say and after 20minutes of awkward silence I broke down. Not until then did he begin to realize how bad this has actually become.

Its one thing to think about it when i'm alone or when something happens (To top things off, my 28yr old cousin just died wed from a freak accident at work & i just got back from the funeral where I was a wreck) But to have those thoughts going through my mind when I'm with my boyfriend!?!? that has never happened before. No matter how hard I tried, i could not shut my brain off.

After I finally came back from hysterics I was finally able to talk about it (he still doesn't know exactly what I was thinking about, just that I was thinking about "him"). But now today when we went to the funeral it was awkward. a silent car ride. Neither of us knew what to say. Now i'm afraid that I may have scared off the only person that knows that I am experiencing this. He has been my rock for the past 5 1/2 years but I dont know if he will want to deal with me for much longer. Especially now that it is getting this bad. He is a great guy and i truly commend him for putting up with me (especially right after "it" happened) but I dont even know if i would be strong enough to deal with this from his shoes.

help. does anyone else ever feel this way? Like they are slowing scaring off the ones they love?

 

[Nicky31]

Hey Lamb

I've just read your intro. Was really nice to chat and I hope you will feel strong enough to face your family in the holidays and explain how things "aren't ok". It will take so much pressure off you and leaves the ball in their court to support you/or not.

Look after youself x

 

[tryintobreathe]

Butterlamb,

I'm so glad you joined our group! We will always listen and we will probably understand a lot of what you are going through. You never need to feel alone again. Welcome!

Jen

 

[Butterlamb]

As some of you may previously know through chats, i'm undiagnosed and have yet to go to see a counselor. Well that is all about to change :) I finally got a call back this morning and I have an apt tomorrow at 9am!!

I'm relieved and nervous, not sure what is going to happen, but happy that something is finally being done :)

 

[wattle]

So i have been extremely stressed out all week and could not wait to see my boyfriend this weekend. Sadly enough, I was too stressed out to want to be intimate with him. The first night I pretended to be asleep. But the second night I tried to go along with it. The one main problem was I really wasn't in the mood despite my best interests and as a result my mind began to wander. With the room so dark, I couldn't see him and my mind couldn't focus on who he was. My waning interest reminded my of the times with "him" and how i didn't want to but i didnt know how to say no. Then I froze. I couldn't continue my entire body felt like it had just had a shock wave go through it. I felt bad because I abruptly stopped but my mind and body went numb. I could tell he wasn't happy (seeing as he was not aware of why i stopped). I didn't know what to say and after 20minutes of awkward silence I broke down. Not until then did he begin to realize how bad this has actually become.

Its one thing to think about it when i'm alone or when something happens (To top things off, my 28yr old cousin just died wed from a freak accident at work & i just got back from the funeral where I was a wreck) But to have those thoughts going through my mind when I'm with my boyfriend!?!? that has never happened before. No matter how hard I tried, i could not shut my brain off.

After I finally came back from hysterics I was finally able to talk about it (he still doesn't know exactly what I was thinking about, just that I was thinking about "him"). But now today when we went to the funeral it was awkward. a silent car ride. Neither of us knew what to say. Now i'm afraid that I may have scared off the only person that knows that I am experiencing this. He has been my rock for the past 5 1/2 years but I dont know if he will want to deal with me for much longer. Especially now that it is getting this bad. He is a great guy and i truly commend him for putting up with me (especially right after "it" happened) but I dont even know if i would be strong enough to deal with this from his shoes.

help. does anyone else ever feel this way? Like they are slowing scaring off the ones they love?

Butterlamb, I get what you mean about feeling like your scaring away your friend, I've been married 29 years to a really lovely man who I should trust more and yet I still feel like one day he's going to get sick to death of my crap and disappear. I think a lot of people on the forum would feel the same. A lot of us have trust issues and yet trusting your boyfriend is exactly what you need to do, he cares for you, if you haven't told him about why you behave the way you do and I can understand why you wouldn't/couldn't do that, then maybe you could just tell him some of what your going through, if you know what I mean, without going into details. He doesn't understand, thats why things are difficult and the silence is uncomfortable, he's got no idea just that somethings wrong and he probablly wants to help you but doesn't know how. Trust that he cares for you and try communicating with him, he may be your best support person.
wattle.