Financial abuse

[mamachick]

Rain-thank you for reading and for caring. Just knowing that is so comforting right now as life feels so damn lonely at times. Christmas 2008 was the beginning of my demise, so that is underlying and I try to remind myself of that and remove myself before I over-react to anything. You are very spot on. Since then, and living with ptsd, I haven't been able to please anyone and Christmas makes me very nervous.

He is not currently being abusive or anything. He is just a very low energy person. I honestly can't tell if it is pathological or he is just this selfish and lazy. Makes no conversation and is difficult to talk to. He doesn't seem to relate to people well. He seems like a person with Aspergers at times. I don't have the energy to do a whole lot at one time, which is why I try to break it down. He did put the leaf in the table but has to ask where it is, where a table cloth is, etc. He can't do anything "all by himself" which is very frustrating.

I think that is why I blame myself for the abusive parts, I was always high energy and organized and pulled everything together, and didn't mind delegating. Now it feels like nagging (which will anger him) and while he insists on such gatherings, he expects me to do the labor since he provides financially.

No worries Rain, I will pull myself out of this. If the house doesn't get clean, I will at least manage the food part.
Merry Christmas Rain!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Merry Christmas bratt!:)

 

[mamachick]

Just a reminder for those of us who want to just shluff stuff off. I woke up after 3 am with a 101 fever, chills, achey and shake, probably bronchitis. I had a touch of sore throat and congestion and went on mucinex. I was ignoring this to get things done. Ha, our body is always speaking to us! We need to listen!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@brat17 Remember to take care of you....... That’s the first rule having PTSD. Try and have a good Christmas....

 

[Luigi S]

My husband is pretty generous with me. It was my birthday last week and he bought me nice boots. My dog a...

I have done this with my wife only because 3 times I had let take care of the checkbook and 3 times she thought if we still had checks we still have money. So this may or may not be abuse.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Luigi S Seriously, she thought that??? Or is that what she told you???

 

[Luigi S]

At first I thought so, after the second and third I realized it was a spending problem. We both agreed to keep the accounts in my name. However when she works I have never asked for a cent. So what is hers is hers and what’s mine is hers if she needs. If she wants it’s what I can afford. This has worked well for 35 years. All kidding aside what is extremely difficult is trying not to trigger her CPTSD.

 

[mamachick]

I don't want control of the checking account (we have a joint that he puts little into, and he has his own that is auto deposit from work). I also have my own account. I did take care of all the bills while we were raising our kids and money was tighter, and did an awesome job. However, since a head injury....I can't deal with all the details so well. I don't believe if we have checks we have money.

If we go shopping together, he will buy me what I need or want and he has the funds to do so. However, if I am going to the nearby big city with friends for shopping and lunch, it would be nice if he flipped me some bucks, but he never has. So I see it as a control issue. This actually prevents me from buying things for him (which is what I did when I had control) as well. Sometimes I would just like to be able to go to Whole Foods (don't have one locally) but am limited.

Right now in life, he is more responsible with money and I appreciate that. But it would be nice to be able to splurge on a new scarf or pair of earrings when shopping with friends...just something I enjoy!

I do think my pushing the issue is making him examine our relationship with money.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@brat17 Have you asked him for more $$, or at least tried to explain your side of the issue???.

 

[Gs172003]

My husband is pretty generous with me. It was my birthday last week and he bought me nice boots. My dog a...

My first husband never let me know how much he made. I wasn't allowed access to the bank account. I had "my money" and he had "his money' he made four times what I did . He didn't buy me things like your husband though. I don't remember going shopping like that. I got presents on holidays and that's it. He was the same way with his last wife. And yes, it's abuse.

 

[Gs172003]

I don't want control of the checking account (we have a joint that he puts little into, and he has his ow...

I would tell him " hey I'd like say, $50 to go to whole foods with". If he keeps refusing, get that job. Have your own money for spending and you won't have to worry about it.

 

[mamachick]

SheCat-yes we had an argument back in december where I told him that I needed spare money to put and keep in my account, he admitted to being stingy but finally agreed. Then he only gave me half of what we agreed on and I had to push for the rest. He did it very grudgingly give me the rest but then seemed to accept it. Its like he needs to have the upper hand or something.

Googol-the thing is, I would have to be sure to ask him in advance and his focus is work so sometimes he forgets things like this. Sometimes a friend and I might decide to drive to the city(an hour away) at 10am while he is already at work. I don't know in advance which days my health will allow. Or may just get an invite to lunch or something, or friends at a group I attend want to go to dinner after group and its unplanned and at end of the month for me. I have actually had to call him and ask if I swing by if he can give me $20 for dinner with friends. It just seems like unnecessary stress.

I don't use checks but use my debit card and neither of us want credit cards. He does share a credit card with his mother and pays it off every month. I can't really work and do get disability but sometimes runs short at the end of the month. Some months, such as december of course are worse.