Finding Out How Thoroughly I've Been Conditioned To React To Narcissists

[Anarchy]

Mods, please feel free to move if you feel this is in the wrong place.

I found out a couple of weeks ago that one of the directors at my new job, is narcissistic.

As far as narcs go, I've been exposed to far more toxic, and far more psychopathic examples in the past, and in situations where I had far fewer resources and skills, but I'm still reacting to this one far more than I think his real actions justify

I find myself having intrusive thoughts of him being critical or questioning of me and my actions;

rationally, I know that he'll always be able to find fault with anything, so there's no point in me worrying because it's him who decides what he finds fault with, and I can't change that.

emotionally though, there he is in my imagination,

I'm waking up in the night with thoughts of him questioning and finding fault with me, I'm running drastic scenarios of conflicts with him in my mind (I am getting better at catching those and stopping them)

When he's in the office, I'm on edge, and find myself reacting automatically, rather than thinking first, and that usually leads to some sort of (subtle and totally deniable) narcissistic, belittling response from him.

It helps that I know to re frame this narc as a piece of shit who looks to elicit these responses, and to watch my few co worker's behaviour in his presence to identify potential allies ammongst them,

but it disturbs me how my body reacts so much and so automatically in the presence of of a narc - who I'd rather just be a totally boring and unrewarding target for. Instead, I'm using valuable time and resources grounding myself and self soothing, I'm neglecting my few friends and feeling the urge to isolate.

when I sense that he wants me to "jump" I don't ask why? or even how high? my body just does it.

I'm not even sure whether I'm asking for help and advice, sympathy or just venting - and there's the niggling paranoid feeling that he's going to ask the computer dept for a log of my computer use (work is my only internet connection at the moment, and I'm typing this after 12 hours at my desk doing genuine work work)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Listening and friendship :hug:.

Sometimes it is our conditioning and grooming that jump starts the hypervigilance. Accept your body's signals -not as unconditional truth on the rumination level but as an alert signal resonating a pecking order for dominance is in pursuit. Much as a dog will post on a fence, it is natural for signals to be ushered in. Breath into it and acknowledge only that it is occurring.

Your choice of reaction and reassessment into positive is crucial. Meditation is key. Bending in his general blowhard behavior is Tao. Be the tree with strong roots for now and practice your own style of management. He will search for his supply elsewhere if your energy does not feed his need set. Just lower the current of your signal feedback but be present in your job and awareness.

You can do this!!!!

 

[scout86]

I can really relate to this!

And it just now occurred to me to wonder how "normal" people handle that kind of person.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@scout86 ...pray tell, as my ears are wiggling to learn. :clown::hug:

 

[scout86]

No, no...... I WONDER how they react. I have no actual IDEA how they do. LOL

I have a person of that ilk I've been trying to deal with in my immediate family. "Avoiding him" is the only thing I've come up with so far.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@scout86 :bawling::roflmao: You had me all excited too!!! Have a great day friend.:)

 

[scout86]

@Recovery4Me , my T has talked some about dealing with narcissists. I'm thinking we'll be talking about it again in a couple days. If he says anything I actually understand, I promise I'll report back. So far, he has recommended deciding what energy you want to bring to the encounter ahead of time and focusing on that. He also suggested being "simple, direct, assertive but calm" and only engaging those behaviors that model that energy. (He's big on "energy"!)

 

[Recovery4Me]

@scout86 Your the best! Thank you and I am sure it will help our friend- author of the thread @Anarchy as well!

 

[shimmerz]

with thoughts of him questioning and finding fault with me

And what will happen to you if he finds fault with you?

 

[Friday]

One thing that may help to know if you don't already... Most CEOs & highly successful business profile as psychopaths.

Does this mean they're psychopaths as generally thought of? Nope. Whatever needed to happen to flip the switch, biologically or environmentally never happened. Most would never hurt a fly. In fact, it could be argued that most "use their powers for good", although there are always total c*nts in every area of life.

The point of this is that if you're used to alarm bells going off around certain diagnosis? Because you've dealt with evil f*cks? Alarm bells will ring. So I've found its important to reality check exactly how much power any individual actually has, regardless of their personality. And then, too, to look at how they exercise those powers. Essentially, it cuts their balls off in my own mind. Because while the people I've tangled with go to battle literally? CEOs & upper level business folk crush their opposition with attorneys. They count coup with companies. It changes the whole "be boring" scale :)

I kick into life v death. Meanwhile they're thinking parking spots :rolleyes:

 

[DogwoodTree]

So far, he has recommended deciding what energy you want to bring to the encounter ahead of time and focusing on that. He also suggested being "simple, direct, assertive but calm" and only engaging those behaviors that model that energy. (He's big on "energy"!)

My mom has some pretty serious narc tendencies as well, and I work for her, so I can relate to your dilemma. What scout said here sounds a lot like my approach (when I stumble across something that works...and I'm watching for patterns in those "successful" encounters).

I try to come up with a very simple mantra/energy/position to keep my thoughts grounded. So I might go in to a meeting with her saying to myself, "observe...be observant...watch her energy and behavior...notice what she's doing, how she's playing the interaction...learn about her from it."

I picture my own energy being contained within myself, and her energy being left outside of myself. I don't let her energy into my space. She can rant and rave, or she can be grumpy, or whiny, or there's even space for her to be productive and happy and supportive...but the point is, only she is responsible for her energy. I don't take responsibility for what she is feeling or how she is behaving.

Her decisions affect me in a practical sense, but my non-reactivity to her baiting and poking is the best I know to do right now to minimize her ability to undermine me. It's actually a little bit (just a little bit) entertaining to watch her run around in emotional circles trying to activate my rescuer role or my guilty-bad-guy defenses or whatever. I simply don't engage when she throws out the bait. I pick through the stuff she puts out there to find what is really pertinent to the work-related discussion, and choose to respond only to that...as a professional who knows my job.

I also monitor my own energy...the things I put out in that mutual space of interaction, I watch to make sure they're energy-neutral, not baiting, not fawning, and certainly not attacking. I don't do that perfectly at all, but when I mess up, I still don't allow in the guilt-energy she throws my way. I also don't blame her for my mess-ups. If I screw up, that's on me, not her. Her behavior doesn't dictate my behavior...that's what self-control is all about. Danny Silk says that "self-control removes the option of blaming others for our choices."

Of course, that all sounds really good but...don't get any ideas that I do this consistently. It's more of a hit-or-miss thing still. Sometimes I nail it, and sometimes I can't get there for nuthin', and mostly I'm somewhere in between.

 

[Deleted member 30639]

Always it comes down to how I feel about myself. The narc only has power to make me feel bottomed out if I am feeling bottemed out.

I use thought-stopping and tell myself that the narc is EMPTY inside. His or her life is a fruitless pursuit of a perfect way to mask that there is essentially nothing they believe in or love. They don't feel fully alive.

It takes time and practice, but I was eventually able to feel actual pity for what that would be like by using my imagination. Then, I am operating from a different place when I see them. I don't throw my pearls to them so readily, I tell myself, this is just another kind of human who I can be around and learn to adapt to. I can do it.

When life and PTSD is at its worst lows, I don't expect myself to handle Narcs as well, so I simply avoid them until I am strong enough to engage. That comes with a price but for me, it's how I manage.

You got this. Give yourself time to experiment and win some small victory. Then let us know about it.

I can relate to every feeling in your post. Don't punish yourself for this. It's actually a sign you are not a narc, which is something. Worst case you join em. Since you haven't, you're beating them.