Finding Purpose

[Sailorgal]

Sooo many great perspectives here and that it's helping you to look at yourself more closely. The mind can only handle soo much at once - don't be surprised at finding layers of emotions.

As for believing in God and being analytical-they can/do go hand in hand. Now whether you believe all together is a separate matter. :)

As Hashi stated, focus on your FUTURE. Tears will continue...but not swallow you up. I faced this loss TWICEas one of my colleagues who I was very, very close to died from the exact same cancer my loved one did. It was surreal as he had no clue I was reliving the pain. I watched him fade away til his last days. I have shared his memory with others as being someone special to me...and he never knew. He left a daughter...sad but he also brought a lot of smiles - especially to me and that's what I choose to remember.

 

[Sailorgal]

Junebug,

Some people really just don't know how to keep their mouths shut don't they!! How horrible to hear as a child. <<<hugs>>>

You have such a sweet spirit about you!!!!

 

[Thinkingman85]

I started Prozac about five weeks ago. Every day, my mood elevates. I'm starting to get the point where my brain is wanting me to cry my eyes out. Now, every time my mood elevates, it feels like I'm wanting to hold on to the pain of my parents deaths. It's like my brain is trying to fight against my mood being elevated. If I continue the medication, I may get to a tipping point where all the tears flow. Maybe I will feel cleansed. I'll keep people on the forum updated.

 

[Sailorgal]

**grabs a large box of tissue and hands it to TM**

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you TM. :tup: :hug:

Dear Sailorgal, thank you, you are so sweet! They say you can only find qualities in others that you have yourself. :) ;) That makes me feel good in a different way, because 'before', I was told I have qualities like that, if anyone feels like they see them again now, I feel like a little of 'myself' remains :) . Xox. :hug:

 

[KatB]

A lot of what you said was intense and familiar for me. I am sooooo sorry for what you saw and have been through. I dont know how I would take in the image of a dead person in my parents home. That must've been horrifically scary and downright, shocking.

I find myself in the same position as you, I think. I lost a cousin of mine in 2009 and something about her death/burial hit home for me. She was young around my age range and she had asthma, which killed her. I dont know if I grieved correctly or enough. The last thing I did was write a poem about her death right on the day of the burial. I felt like a part of her stuck with me and I've never been able to mourn about others like I've done for her. Some say you are never the same after losing a loved one. I think that sounds reasonably true for all of us.

My vision for a clear future has become obliterated since I've lost almost everything that is dear to me. God? I believe in Him completely and have faith He exists, but my broken relationship with Him has become more broken and distorted because I've thought if bad things happen to good people, why should the bad people continue to destroy and destruct everything/everyone around them? Miserably and hopelessly hanging on to a God who promises me that He will be with me through my darkest valleys; easier said than done but like someone said, sometimes you gotta go on blind faith. Our paths may be the dirtiest, darkest, and destroyed but we learn to hold on...

 

[Shellbell]

Thinkingman, I don't know if anyone has mentioned this already, so I hope I'm not repeating anyone. It sounds to me as though you have Complicated Grief, which is grief that continues to dominates someones life, rather than receding into the background and sufferers often feel 'stuck' and this requires specific therapy.

I hope you can get to a point of having some peace.

 

[Thinkingman85]

KatB, I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. It will take time to properly grieve a loved one. I think you can get a sense of normality back. Regarding God, I understand where you are coming from. It is true that it is paradoxical to believe in a loving God that allows so much suffering. Along with this knowledge and witnessing how devastating both of my parents deaths were, I had to let go of God. Now, I am rebuilding myself in a realistic way. It takes perseverance, hope, and faith in oneself to get back on track. I wish you the best.

Shellbell, this may be true. I'll ask my therapist about it. I know for sure that the Prozac is helping me resolve everything which is a blessing.

 

[Sailorgal]

I was told I have qualities like that, if anyone feels like they see them again now, I feel like a little of 'myself' remains :) . Xox. :hug:

You will ALWAYS be YOU!!! No matter what happens. :)

 

[Sailorgal]

KatB,

It's very disheartening to hear the all too repetitive preaching that you will have a blessed life if you only believe....soo much is taken out of context in Christianity. We were NEVER guaranteed a perfect life. Boy, I could tell you stories!!!!

It is one of the subjects not properly dealt with at the pulpit. People want happy stories, not reality checks.

Hope each day you find more and more peace in tour life. :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm starting to understand my kind of grief. I think that I have a belief that I can not live a normal life because of how horrific both of my parents deaths were. My brain has internalized both experiences as being too horrific. The only way I can try to confront this is to go into detail about my parents deaths. The only reason I'm doing this is so the reader can get a realistic sense of what happened to me. *Warning: the following is graphic.

When I was 15, my mother had a seizure on Thanksgiving day. She was then rushed to the hospital. I remember hearing her talk in the E.R. and she told my stepfather, "My head hurts'". She fell unconscious again and was life flighted to Pittsburgh medical center. She then had a stint put in. She was on a respirator, had a tube in her skull, and a colostomy bag attached. For a week, I visited her in that state. She then was let go because her odds of recovery were low.

Two years later, when I was 17, my older brother woke me up and said, "Something's wrong with Dad." I walked into his bedroom and saw him hunched over the edge of the bed face first. His arms and head were over the edge. His skin was a dark purple-blue color. There was a small puddle of blood underneath his face on the floor. Blood was dripping out of his nose, mouth, and ears. I was pretty sure he was dead when I saw him, I just didn't want to accept it. He had a massive heart attack the night before. The way he was angled on the bed looked like he was trying to call for help, but he couldn't.

I just can't seem to get over the power of both of these happenings. It's like both happenings compounded into a tragedy that I can't overcome. Constantly, I think about my father dead on his bed. I probably have complicated grief because I just can't process the reality of what happened to me. It always feels like it doesn't make sense. I always feel like my dad should be here. I don't know why I can't just accept it and move on to live a healthy life. I feel like a different kind of person than the average person because of what I went through. It's hard even typing my situation because I feel like I'll be rejected because of how bad things happened.

One of the hardest things is simply to be able to live a normal life without both parents. There are so many things that trigger the memory of them. For example, if I was married in the future, I don't know how I would be able to handle getting married with both of my parents gone. When people talk about family, I think about what happened to me. Usually, when people talk about their family, the listener cares. When I listen to people talk about their family, sometimes I think, "Well, I'll never be able to live like that."

It's hard being on my own, but I have to find a way to do it in a healthy way.

 

[Tinyflame]

ThinkingMan, there's a thread on complicated grief. I've wondered if it was part of my problem, but AS1975 (I think?) posted an artice in it- very clear about whether the thoughts are calming or evoke fear/ hypervigilance (the difference). In my case the latter applied, actually much of what they said about complicated grief didn't (in my case). I am starting to realize I think it had less to do with the death than the circumstances, and never telling anyone (about the circumstances or anything else). But I think it would help you just to maybe check it out, like Shellbell said. :hug:

(((((Sweet Sailorgal))))), thank you! :) Big :hug: , you are so dear :inlove: .