Finding Your Essence

[SeaQuel]

I'm sorry if this is already a thread somewhere. It seems trauma can disrupt or alter ones baseline or essence as a person. Is it possible to figure out what that was or is it constantly changing and it doesn't matter anyway? Not sure if my question makes sense but would be interested in any thoughts anyone may have on this.

 

[mermaidmanthy]

your question makes complete sense i have similar feeling i was a very hyper person then i began to get lost i could not even remember what i liked to do before the trauma with years of therapy and god i began to find who i once was but i almost feel as though i became a stronger person as evil as my trauma was the person i became as a result of that was far greater don't get me wring having ptsd is awful going through the trauma is awful and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone but the strong person I've become as a result of it falling in love with myself for who i really am is truly beautiful

so to answer your question yes you can find yourself again and when you if truly the greatest love you will ever find

 

[falling_wave]

I get what you are saying and it makes a lot of sense. I have been thinking about this also lately. I think as we are constantly working towards recovery it can be scary to not know exactly who we are under all of the struggles and who trauma has turned us into. For me things started happening so early that I cant really look back before the trauma to find who I am. After, giving it much thought I think that our essence is always there and stable but our personality changes and adapts over time as we conquer battles, as we learn and experience more, as things touch us or find special places in our hearts. I think through that change we are learning more about our essence. I think we will always be learning about ourselves and that is okay. The thing that I think will help is learning to love yourself without even fully knowing just trusting the process and loving ourselves through the discovery. Its so much harder done than said but putting it out there is the first step to accepting so here it is. Great question!

 

[falling_wave]

I also think that life changes us for better or worse all the time so none of us can go back to who we were. It is a forward game but if we teach ourselves to take the positive out of every experience then we can make ourselves whoever we want to be.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess I interpret "baseline" and "essence" in two different ways. I guess our baseline is different because we have been traumatized. We will never get back to the baseline we were at before. However, I think our "essence" or our true selves, is still there, perhaps just buried?

 

[SeaQuel]

@Solara I think you are right about differentiating between "baseline" and "essence." It is essence - our true selves - that I am referring to here. Our baselines have changed, but so has everyone's - I think that's just the nature of living.

Sometimes I just feel as though I'm a chameleon and am constantly adapting to my environment. In many ways, this has served me well because I can pretty much get along with a wide range of personalities if I have to. But in other ways I find it incredibly confusing because I don't really know what my essence is and I really want to live an authentic life. I was talking about a related issue with my therapist recently and I think this is directly tied trauma and how have I dealt with it (functionally dissociative with no real life narrative).

 

[Born to Run]

It seems trauma can disrupt or alter ones baseline or essence as a person. Is it possible to figure out what that was or is it constantly changing and it doesn't matter anyway?

Trauma does not change our true essence, it does cause people to develop a false self to survive the situation, as your true essence is threatened. The false self in a way protects the true self from damage. The true core of our personality/identity does not constantly change, it remains the same. It will however remain unavailable and hidden to us until trauma is resolved. Working through trauma will make it possible for you to connect to your true core self eventually, as you no longer need the adaptations to survive, and can give up the false self. If the trauma started early in life it is certainly an issue that certain personality/indentity traits that you think are you, may turn out to be adaptive parts of your personality. For certain people it may be very challenging to come out of trauma and literally have to find their own identity, as the trauma creeps around the tree of identity. It depends on the trauma and your resilience to discover the impact the trauma had on your identity. This will be in the later stages of therapy. Trauma therapists call it: events that become states, states that become traits. I have a paper on it if you'd like. Even if an identity has to be uncluttered from trauma, beneath it will always be your core self, and it will be possible to rebuild your identity. I'll give one example: I always tell people I am a night person, or night owl, but truth is, I am not sure if this is really part of me, or an adaptation to the trauma to prefer nights over days. My mother left me alone when I was in bed only, so I might have adapted to that and try to mess with day and night, because of her. Once through that trauma part, it may turn out I am deep down an early bird. At this moment I have no clue, but time will tell ;)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I rather like to think of this as becoming the real me. I love myself now and guard against the self abuse and self hate etc. Great thread.

 

[SeaQuel]

@Born to Run Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this - I learned a lot! I was thinking about quoting/commenting on specific parts of your post, but I actually just feel the post in its entirety is spot on and makes a lot of sense to me.

Trauma therapists call it: events that become states, states that become traits. I have a paper on it if you'd like.

Yes, can you please send this to me. I will add it to my long list of suggested reading (not exactly conducive for my PTSD symptoms ATM).

@gizmo yes, I agree - that is all part of it as well, to live an authentic life as the authentic you! :tup:

 

[The Albatross]

It didn't matter to me... I figured I was a blank slate and just picked another one (essence).

 

[SeaQuel]

@The Albatross That, too, is a valid perspective and one I will have to think on.

 

[The Albatross]

I was a very happy/chatty friendly infant and toddler. But somewhere between that time to age 5 or 6... "She" was gone. I had to go into recovery and it was there that I had to choose between grieving who I once was... or take a firm stab at who I will become. I chose character development and decided to be a blank canvas... and am still working on who I will become. Whatever shows up on the post traumas canvas... will be my "essence".

I don't know that I will ever be the 9 month old walking, talking, prodigy... happy, sunny, that I once was. That is, for me okay. Provided I come out the other side with a decent, generally beneficial, occasionally or more happy or peaceful/calm life.