Finishing A Mural

[rightkindofme]

I have been painting a mural all month. I am 45 hours in. (I have had ~5.5 hours of help from other people. Some of which I need to go paint over today because they did a horrible job. Ha.)

It's a cool mural. My neighbors are driving by and saying thank you. It feels like my whole neighborhood is energized. People are stopping to thank me every few minutes. It feels so nice to be doing something that other people approve of.

Only one neighbor called me in as doing graffiti. Ha. Luckily the officer who came to check it out grew up in this neighborhood and he said, "Are you stupid? You don't know the difference between graffiti and art!?" I feel like my back is covered.

It is wonderful to try and go out and meet people. Scary. I have panic attacks over and over because cars slowing down to yell at me while I am trying to concentrate is a nightmare.

I'm really proud of me for doing this. Today is the last day. I will try to show you pictures later. :)

 

[nomedic1]

We'll done that's quite an accomplishment .

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

That's wonderful!!!

 

[Court]

That sounds awesome! Way to go on doing something that makes you happy but it's also a benefit to others!

Court

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Way to go!! :-) Can't wait to see it

 

[The Albatross]

All good except the part where you call it a nightmare. It is tough to concentrate when cars are slowing down, but you're pushing past it anxiety or no. You deserve to give yourself more credit on this.

Is or has there been any subtle changes in the anxiety as cars slow down? Most often I find if I can repeat the exposure it reduces.

 

[rightkindofme]

[DLMURL]http://www.flickr.com/photos/rightkindofme/sets/72157634785800521/[/DLMURL] Pictures!

I found that my anxiety went up and down. People stop and talk more during the week than they do on the weekend (which surprised me) and people were more invasive early on when they were still getting used to seeing me. It got better then worse again. I was glad that a friend was there with me on the penultimate day because she has no history of mental illness and confirmed that it was hella creepy how people were driving by. *phew* I like confirmation. :)

At this point I am really excited about having done it. I feel very glad that the people in my neighborhood are happy about it. I did what I wanted to do: give people a reason to come up and talk to me. I'm really enjoying getting to know my neighbors. :)

Even though a bunch of them are totally racist. That was one of the hardest things about painting the mural. The old white people (I'm white) who walk around my neighborhood felt totally comfortable telling me that I "shouldn't put brown people in the mural because then they will feel welcome here." I lost it and flat yelled at a few old men. "How dare you say that ANYONE doesn't belong here?! Because all of the white people who came here and committed genocide have a forking right to be here?! Give me a break!" I felt self conscious and scared and like I could NOT let someone say things like that in front of my children.

They stopped making the comments after a bit when I reacted with massive hostility every time. I feel weird and guilty and like it was the right thing to do. Awkward.

It is kind of a weird mixed thing that I have talked about being suicidal with several of the old men who walk around (I am so out about my mental illness--I need people checking on me or I don't feel like there is much point in getting up in the morning and I've been here for years) so yelling at them felt... like I was hurting someone? Like I was being mean to someone who has been nice to me? But it was the right thing to do. Ok, maybe some other rational person could have argued without yelling but I'm not that awesome.

I'm really glad I'm getting to know everyone. :) Even if they have personality traits I'm not thrilled about.