Undiagnosed Firefighter, Trying To Cope.

[CO4FF]

I haven't talked to anyone about this yet. It is all so new to me. This just happened last night, but I have never taken anything this hard before. I will give a quick run-down of why I am feeling this way.

Last night about 6:00pm my search and rescue crew got called to an accident. Pickup hit a semi truck head on doing about 70mph each. As soon as I heard that I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.

We arive on scene, which was about 25 miles away. we were the first ones there except for one HP. The first thing I saw was what was left of a pickup, with blood running down the driver side door. We got our jaws of life out and ran as fast as we could to the truck, the man inside was amazingly still alive, but in complete shock. He had his 9 year old son with him, he survived with just a few bruises and cuts, and didn't need to be cut out. We went to work cutting the father out. We got one part of the door popped open and then someone with a saw yelled for me to grab his arm so we don't cut it, when I did so the arm came out, he had completely severed it already. after about 10 minutes we got him out, by then he had lost his pulse and his eyes were wide open, I started CPR almost instantly. The little boy was screaming at me, to save his daddy. We did CPR for probably 45 minutes before we called it.

I have been to fatal accidents before, and I brushed them off no problem. But this one is sticking with me. I don't know if this is going to be long term or not, I didn't sleep a wink last night, I haven't been able to do a single thing at work. Randomly find myself starting to cry.

I just want to talk to some people who are going through it. I want to keep it out of my department for now, as I still have a job to do.

I just turned 21, have been on Fire/Rescue for 2 years.

 

[sisu]

Welcome and Thank You for doing what you do!

You are smart to recognize this is different than the other fatal accidents you have been to and smart in seeking guidance and help. I do understand wanting to keep it out of the department for now - but is there a way you can talk to a therapist without the department becoming aware? I think that is your best bet on starting to heal. If you can, maybe talk about it with a close friend who would understand your type of work. Just keep talking - don't let it cycle around in your head. There are police officers and fire fighters this forum who can relate - I'm sure they will respond when they can.

Take care!
Sisu

 

[KP the nut]

(((CO4FF))). I've sat with my head in my hands, trying to think of a reply.

It is still v early days and the best advice I can give is seek help immediately. Maybe a doctor outside the dept. I'm a 51 yo female and quite soft/fluffy and correct me if I'm wrong but you are in a tough mans environment. That is IMHo b*llsh*t. You have recognised this situation is different and have asked for help.

If you are unable to see a doctor, read some of the articles here. There are emergency personnel here, hopefully one of them will answer as well.

You folk do an awesome job, picking up the pieces of peoples lives (I was one of the lucky ones you helped).

I wish you peace and healing.
KP

 

[timetorecover]

Firstly Bless You for finding the strength to come here and seek support. You are amazing for recognising and feeling what you are.
Your job is one of the most incredible and heroic and I am grateful to you and all of your colleagues as I needed you guys once and you saved my life.
Please feel what you are feeling, cry, cry cry, and cry some more. to avoid will only fester and you must face the trauma of the incident. Your work must be so hard, having to live with the visions and not be able to help everyone. I cannot imagine how you do it! Hat off to u hun!
The trauma of the visuals and the young boy also must have a huge impact.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, seek some medical help. This place is great for therapy and that is so important, but do speak to a dr too! I understand not wanting to share with ur dept, it does not have to be shared with them. Do you have support from family and friends?
Keep feeling it, dont push it away, learn to accept and heal slowly! It will keep PTSD away.
An amazing story of how a 9/11 survivor saw some awful things but did not get PTSD as she grieved, mourned and cried, shook and accpeted for 2 weeks.
Don't try and be brave and avoid, please!
Peace and healing! xxx

 

[CO4FF]

Thank you all for the replies! I am on my phone right now so I apologize for poor grammar in advance. Still just kind of have a numb feeling. When we got back to the station last night i started breaking my gear down to clean all the blood off, that moment is where I feel like I lost all emotions. Wasnt sad, mad happy.. Anything. Just numb. I've had nothing but thoughts going through my head wondering if I did everything I could to save him. I know I did, I don't think I've ever worked so hard to try and save someone who was clearly dead. Hoping sleep finds its way to me tonight? God knows I need it.

 

[Anglesachse]

Hi welcome to the site.

 

[timetorecover]

I hope that you managed some shut eye! Sleep will help you.
The numbness is a normal reaction to protect yourself.
At the moment of clearing your gear was probably when your heart rate started to slow down and you had a chance to process your experience.
Affirm to yourself, you did what you could, it is not your fault and you are a GOOD person!
You really should speak to a medical expert, not that drs are experts in trauma as half of them do not have a clue, but even if its some meds to get you to sleep.
Catch this early, realise what has happened to your mind during this experience. Get counselling if possible and if not come back here and we will all support you! :p

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey CO4FF,

I have only seen this now, and I am truly sorry that I didnt see it earlier to give you advice and help earlier. I pray that you read this soon.

I have been a Paramedic (ALS / EMT-P) for many years now, 18 to be precise. I have seen what you saw. I have pushed chest on non-survivable patients. I have had children and wives, parents and loved ones begging me to save their beloved. Begging me, screaming at me when I terminate the resus. I have had the sleepless nights, too many of them to count. Too many to remember. They hurt like ten kinds of sh1t could wish to hurt. I know.

But its ok to hurt. Its human to hurt and to grieve for your patients. Its fantastic to have that compassion and that dedication to your calling. I respect you for that. Strongs brother.

But now you also need to remember the first rule of any incident - safety. Safety for yourself. You will not go into a burning building without your bunker gear and BA and a charged line; and you cannot go on without getting a professional to debrief you on that call. Trust me mate, you HAVE to get it dealt with. Before it eats you up and destroys your career, your family, your life.

If you do nothing else, do that. Do it for yourself. Trust...

Strongs brother. :tup: