First Intake Appointment Tomorrow, Nervous.

[Poppy1224]

I am very nervous about tomorrow. I have gotten very good at avoiding those thoughts and feelings as much as I can, I suppose I am most nervous about the kinds of questions the psychologists might ask me. As soon as I take myself to that place, it's an out of body experience almost, it's as if I can't force myself into a small enough shape, I can't get out of the room fast enough. I know I'll need to face these traumas to become comfortable with them having a permanent place in my memory, but they're poisonous to me now.
I want so badly for this to work. This is simply not what a functional life looks like, I can't go to work, I can't sit in class, I can't hear rape come up casually in conversation without wanting to scream at the person who said it. It's the rapid montage of a million different thoughts and feelings surrounding the event - a fist, a face, a muffled scream, a car door slam, tear gas in the air, feeling as though every bit of resistance has been bled from your body, I feel ready to acknowledge that for now, I can't control this cycle of thought.

I was writing my last Peace Corps essay today and realized how important it was for me to write in a way that sincerely represented who i am - my passions, my beliefs about this world. That's never been significant to me before, misrepresentation, particularly when it involves myself, letting people make judgements about your character because it's easier than explaining. I'm so ready to not feel like joke or blowup doll, to no longer intentionally misrepresent myself because feeling like a blowup doll is much less painful than bearing the weight of secrets.

This will be the most intense and direct approach I've taken with this issue, I know it's going to become more or less a part time job, it needs to be, I want to do things after I graduate, and I won't be able to if a whistle from a passing truck turns me into a tornado. Ready to leave survivor mode and live in a space where my actions and behavior are not an attempt to recapture lost innocence, but rather a place to realize the luxury of having your thoughts to yourself. There is a lot to look forward.

 

[angel2write]

It sounds like you're in a really positive place- identifying the problem and taking steps to change.

I had a hard time with the intake. Kept triggering on the questions. But I found out later that they kind of expect that, and it's ok. Just try to stay calm and try to answer. Don't beat yourself up if it's hard or you exhibit a lot of symptoms.

Sending you support, a (hug), and sympathy.

Angel

 

[Lucycat]

I don't know what you mean by 'intake' appointment.
Could you please enlighten me:)?

 

[alliz-rag]

I agree with Angel...you are taking the right steps and know you have identified the problem.

Its human nature to be protective and be scared about disclosing our most deepest fears or even the things that make us overwhelming with joy. Just remember they are to help you and talking about it helps. I admire your strength to post it on here. I am new here and find all this so inspiring.

I had my first appointment on Monday and it was not as bad as I thought. They ask the simplist of questions and dont "dive" into it...it seems to be very progressive and not aggressive...which is very important.

Remain strong...

alliz-rag

 

[Poppy1224]

I'm new here also, though the internet is not quite the same as in person conversations, I truly appreciate everyones support and I'm finding this site to be an enormously helpful outlet. So, thank you guys.

 

[Poppy1224]

I don't know what you mean by 'intake' appointment.
Could you please enlighten me:)?

It's the first appointment before you begin intensive outpatient therapy, or any long term treatment. I'm not sure how in depth they'll go, it's basically their first assessment of where you are, how you feel, how your meds are working, etc.

 

[Lucycat]

OK, just not a term I am familiar with.
I remember that first session very well. It was the beginning of the rest of my life:)

 

[Poppy1224]

OK, just not a term I am familiar with.
I remember that first session very well. It was the beginning of the rest of my life:)

I don't know why the thought of taking the first step is so terrifying. I suppose acknowledging that these symptoms do impact my life daily, and that I cannot out think them. I'm terrified of revisiting these memories, its occurring to me now how destructive my methods of avoidance have been, how they have hindered any progress I could have made, but have instead forced me into this weird stagnant place and perhaps even entrenched me further into this cycle. I know what I need to do, I'm terrified of the time between now and when I begin this different therapy, I don't know what I will use to cope with my life.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you push forward through the initial steps, when you realized it was an issue that seriously needed to be addressed, when did you realize that you were whole heartedly willing to commit to it?

 

[Lionheart]

...how did you push forward through the initial steps, when you realized it was an issue that seriously needed to be addressed, when did you realize that you were whole heartedly willing to commit to it?

I was walking down the street one day and I was wanting to die, but I didn't know why. So I said to myself, "Self, it is time to get some help." At the time, I was a hardcore whiskey drinker. I would re-enact the abuse literally or figuratively, then get smashed and wake with a hangover and go out and do it again (day after day after day). I didn't realize it at the time, but I had been punishing myself for having been traumatized and it was slowly and painfully killing me.

My "t" explained that if I didn't remain sober, my brain would not be able to record the journey or process it properly, so I had to stop drinking. The problem with that was, it was my only coping tool and I didn't think I could stay sober if I didn't work on my abuse issues, so it was like a 'catch-22'. So how did I do it? I took a blind leap of faith that I would be ok. It was the emotional equivalent of white-knuckling my way through it, but it worked.

My "t" even had a sign in her office that that said, "Sometimes you have to take that leap and build your wings on the way down." I hated that sign for the entire time I was seeing this particular therapist, but now I understand it. In a way, I was like a baby bird that needed to learn to fly, but I was in need of someone to 'kick me out of the nest,' (so-to-speak). I was so nervous that my "t" said I looked as though I was going to bolt for the door at any second. LOL

Anyway, I think it is entirely normal to feel nervous about an initial intake visit. Just know that many others have done it and benefited from it and you can do it too. You seem to have your head together about getting some help with your symptoms and that is good to see. I wish you only the best as you progress forward with your healing journey!!!

LH

 

[Lucycat]

If you don't mind me asking, how did you push forward through the initial steps, when you realized it was an issue that seriously needed to be addressed, when did you realize that you were whole heartedly willing to commit to it?

To be honest it was taken out of my hands. I had a call from the police ... ' we have arrested xyz... what can you tell us abou your childhood?' I pretty much exploded. I told the police and then went into meltdown. I reached out for help a few days later when I felt like I was going mad and could not cope. He just sat and listened, totally compassionate, and agreed I should not be stuggling alone. Thereafter the reationship with my T. has developed. I am very lucky, he was a friend of my H and neither of us realised at the time that he had an interest in trauma. I just knew I needed help and he was there....

 

[angel2write]

If you don't mind me asking, how did you push forward through the initial steps, when you realized it was an issue that seriously needed to be addressed, when did you realize that you were whole heartedly willing to commit to it?

I had a meltdown in Walmart one night where I was crying and screaming and begging God to kill me or move me or something. Had to talk to my husband on my cell phone the whole way home because I kept being tempted to crash my car into the metal things alongside the highway. I also realized that I was leaving the house less and less... and that if I didn't do something I was going to end up a prisoner in my home.

It still took me about three months from the time I realized I needed help until I got to that first appointment. I don't think I could have done it without help from this forum. Nicolette, especially, kind of "dared" me to do it. It was so scary. It's still scary sometimes. But I try not to think and just go, and it works out. I am getting better.

 

[Poppy1224]

Lionheart,

Thank you so much, this helped a lot, its exactly how it felt.