Undiagnosed First Post, Potential Case Of Ptsd

[Hansgrohe]

Hi. Just an introduction post, and I thought I'd might as well describe my background.

I'm a senior in high school and I'm on the verge of graduating, and I can't wait to get out of this cesspit (pardon my English). I don't know how many tears I've had to shed because of school. I am diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, but I have a lot of traits that are more like schizophrenia (this presents a lot of problems). I have been bullied and abused in many different ways.

After reading up on PTSD, it seems to make sense that I may have a case (in fact, I practically show all symptoms of it). No, I didn't go to war, nor did I witness a murder, or was raped. However, my PTSD seems to come from years of abuse, bullying, dehumanization, and other ugly terms from the education system (and specifically, special education).

I was originally put in SpED back in 2005 (I never received any kind of diagnosis until 2010) because of the fact that I was very bad at homework, and never really paid attention in class and frequently browsed the internet (my teachers always did admire my intelligence). I don't really remember much of my SpED treatment in elementary, but alas, middle school is where I hit the iceberg.

Middle school came and I experienced severe bullying. Every day I'd either get hit, get called some name, or be humiliated in some form. I was fat, socially awkward, and I felt ugly. Nobody wanted to talk to me, and when I wanted to talk to someone, they'd get very angry or they'd ignore me. All these experiences have made me incredibly cynical, and I have trouble socializing to this day. The middle school bullying (2008-early 2010) hurt me in so many ways, yet I still can't let go.

During very turbulent times my brother was at his absolute worst. He just did... sick things to me. He'd always expose me to things that very clearly upset me (I REALLY don't want to go there, though), practically on purpose. He frequently physically abused me, and his justification was that "I needed to man up" (I hope he one day eats that shit). It got worse when I was in middle school. What I definitely remember was that he'd frequently shame me for not having a girlfriend, and this continued until 2011 (he even went as far as to say "he was losing hope in me"). He also would threaten physical abuse for constantly being on the computer, watching news or reading Wikipedia, and wanted me to be a "normal" kid. For all the crap be put me through, I secretly hold a lot of hatred and contempt for him. He completely destroyed my childhood. I can't forgive him for that.

But then comes another complex part. I was put through speech therapy (and overall, behavior modification) for a while. I can't say I noticed middle school since I was a practical zombie back then, but I remember at least 9th grade. What I remember from the speech teacher was that she:
-Would make us do mundane assignments, tasks, and activities that were really more oriented towards elementary school children (this is a class for high schoolers) in hopes of improving on speech, emotion, and socializing.
-Would make subtle put-downs about people with autism and Asperger syndrome by saying how we had trouble with thinking, etc
-Treated us like absolute robots (it was pretty evident in her really monotone, slow, and steady way of talking; she wouldn't do the same with non-autistic people)
Eventually by 10th grade I had realized what was really going on, and I became gradually upset. But it also got to a point where even I tried to change my autistic traits, to (unsurprisingly) no avail. In fact, NONE of what I was put through improved much, AT ALL. Any improvements I made, were, to be honest, self-taught. I knew they thought of me as inferior in some way, and thought I was in desperate need of help. What developed was a MAJOR feeling of stigma, and I began feeling worthless, but I was angry about it at the same time, too. I mean, constantly being put through tests got to my mind. I just hated it all. By late last year (12th), I pretty much was having none of their shtick. I'm still on SpED but I bailed on speech. No way I'll go through that again, especially with such a demeaning (yet a nice-acting) teacher.

Now, it's January 2015, and what have I been experiencing?
-Anger. So. Much. Anger. I feel so angry because I was put through so much abuse, stigma, and degradation. I didn't understand why the teachers thought I was dumber than the "typical, normal student". I'm angry at the teachers, and I've lashed out some anger at other students, as a cathartic reaction, to make them "feel my pain".
-Nightmares. I've been experiencing nightmares about my experience in school, being put through special ED, being treated as less than whole. These include certain people chasing me, or trying to detain me, simply for my condition (Asperger syndrome).
-Flashbacks. I've been experiencing a bunch of memories where I felt I experienced degradation, of all the things that I clearly did that were wrong but were caused to some extent at least by PTSD, and all my failed moments, as well as moments where I was abused in one way or another, being treated like a robot, or even as a student-at-risk.
-Moment of emotional numbness. I've had moments where I just stare, and I don't even wonder. I just get this feeling of shock, or being slightly mournful.
-Paranoia. I'm constantly having this "flight-or-fight" reaction to a lot of things, and now I'm especially distrustful of SpED teachers because of how they've handled me in the past.
-Loss of faith in the future. I feel incredibly pessimistic about where I'm going and I feel stuck, and I do fear I'm not going to live a great life.
-Problems with other people. Sort of relates to the anger issue, but I have issues communicating now, even more pronounced than usual. It's just that cynicism I've developed due to how I was treated.
-Loss of interest in many other activities, and in general feeling lost.
-Scared of school. I'm normally school-averse but I'm especially scared of going to school now.

It's just all catching up to me.... I lashed out a few days ago and now I'm realizing why this is all happening... and I really just want to put an end to it. I know I need help, I know I need to change my environment as well. I just feel so damn lost and I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long post. I really need support. Thanks.

 

[zeckster81]

As someone who works as an educator I am deeply sorry no one recognized the bulleying or if they did ignored it. My our teachers should have recognized something was off. I hope you are able to find peace and healing through this site. Never give up, you sound as if you are a wonderful young man.

 

[Hansgrohe]

I was always told to ignore the bullying. So much for that.

 

[ShyFromEarly]

Your situation is similar to mine, i.e. being bullied at school as well as by an older brother, who made me feel ugly and worthless from a very young age. It just snowballed when I got even more bullied at school, and even I have constant "flashbacks" of it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

It saddens me and also makes me angry to hear what you've gone through. I'm so sorry for all that you've had to endure. Do you have the option of seeking out professional help? I think that since you are potentially dealing with multiple disorders that it would help you to find a professional who is experienced with all three disorders in order to separate what's what....that is, the diagnosing process isn't necessarily easy when there are symptoms from a number of potential disorders.

I hope you can find the support that you're looking for here on the forum!

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am the mother of a dyslexic son. He feel through the cracks starting in first grade. He had barely learned to talk by age 6 and was getting speech therapy. As the years went by we would seek help for him as he was not reading and spoke his words without vowels.
By middle school the shit the fan. His teachers were worse than useless and as a way to escape being picked on, he frequently got himself kicked out of class. Then he'd go to the principals office and vegetate for the rest of the day. He got into a lot of fights but at the same time he had a lot of friends and he was very athletic.
In seventh grade his doctor told me to take him to a psychologist. This guy told me to have every piece of paper in his school file copied and to bring them with us for his first visit. When I got home from getting his records I sat down and read them. His speech therapist from first grade had written a report on him with recommendations for further services. She diagnosed him with dyslexia and her plan for him was to get one on one phonics or he would never learn to read. I almost dropped dead right then and there.
It was too late. He hated school and his teachers treated him like shit. One took a vote in class to see who thought he would make it to 7th grade. She was fired. They pissed off the wrong mother. I fired the whole f#^*ing school and moved him to a town that had more services. He blew out of two more schools landing in a small private school that was an adventure based program. They did wilderness trips three weeks a year and he finally got a reading teacher. He had no self esteem so I put him in a program to learn to fly a plane, I never went to meetings without an advocate. He went to an excellent college world famous for helping dyslexics learn. He played football for his college and they won every game every year he was there. They saved his life. It's Curry College in Milton, MA. Check it out it may be the place for you.
It is heartbreaking to watch what a tragedy school is for students who need specialized care. Fair isn't giving each child the same thing. It's giving each child what they need.
I am so so sorry that you have also been miseducated. But there are options. Lots of them. I suggest you get help from Vocational. rehabilitation through the states Dept of Education. They will help you find a path for you. They will help pay for school and with things like books, automobile, the typical barriers to getting an education.
Let my son be a role model. He is now 32 and is a sales rep for anesthesia supplies. He speaks very well just needs someone to check his writing. There's a girl in his company that helps him. He sends her gift cards all the time. I always told him that he had what it takes to succeed and he did. He talks a lot and likes to visit his customers to shoot the shit. He has the anasthesia account for every hospital in Boston New Hampshire, Maine and Rhode Island. Not to shabby for a kid who asshole teacher took a vote about him. We made sure he had lots of adventure we skied all winter. Hiked a climbed a gazillion mountains,
Just look around at how people are actually more alike than they are different. Stay the course and look for post grad opportunities where you could thrive in. I wish you big hugs and don't forget, the best revenge is success.

 

[Hansgrohe]

Thanks for the very encouraging comments. Your story about your son was very compelling, and it's another example about how the wrong circumstances and the wrong people could put someone at high risk. I'm so glad you got your son out of public school. I just wished my parents did the same.

The funny thing was that my IEP DID allow me to receive rehab services, and yes, I am signed up for them, so I will be getting a lot of assistance on that front. I do really need to check with my health care provider on a therapist, hopefully one that understands trauma and doesn't look to "cure" my problems and hopefully make me comply, but rather actually understands why my problems happen.

 

[ShyFromEarly]

I also wanted to pass along, that I completely understand the concept of stigma, having spent more than a year in a mental institution at age 14; it's outrageous what they'll subject kids to going through, since they're basically on their own and at the mercy of adults-- who don't care about the pain and humiliation it causes, sometimes for a lifetime.

Also if you want to quit school, JUST QUIT; you can finish online, or get a GED and go to college either locally or online, etc. There are many options now, that didn't exist back when I needed them. Don't ruin your life just to avoid "falling behind," since you'll lose even more time when you lose your self-esteem and dignity, and can't carry on. I know that for me, personally, I always tried to "stick with it" and "get ahead" out of desperation and fear of "losing the race" etc, and I found out that I would have been better off to just stay at my own pace.

Also as far as treatment goes: if you don't like a therapist, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY; I recently had a therapist who tried to muscle me, saying that "PTSD is just a form of anxiety" and how I "talk myself into panic attacks, and could talk myself out of them" etc; and she even said that if I called 911 because of a panic attack, then it was ok for them to threaten to take me to a hospital against my will (which is a federal offense) since "it was a state of emergency," etc.
And so I left her immediately, and went back to my prior therapist who LISTENED.
Just my experience.

 

[Hansgrohe]

Quitting from school... I seriously actually want to consider finishing my classes online. I'm wondering if, by any means, that if I get an official diagnosis of PTSD, that it'd be worth talking about how the school itself harbors many memories of PTSD and it continually causes them, and perhaps talk them into gaining a diploma online, and leave it at that. It may be in the cards, since a diagnosis would require a re-discussing of an IEP, I think.

 

[ShyFromEarly]

My advice: QUIT NOW. Go to the website k12 (dot kom) and you can finish online at your own pace-- and it's a real diploma. You don't need to "talk" anyone into it.
At the same time, also I recommend taking ACT/SAT prep-courses, since that can determine college admissions and scholarships etc.
You can also go to college entirely online; it's how I did my undergrads before going to law school.

 

[Anarchy]

Welcome to the forum Hans.

There are a pile of good home schooling resources available on the net - if you want to go for getting the paperwork like high school certs.

There are also resources like EdX which put university lectures and university individual learning courses on line. Many of the other actual universities put their lectures and resources on line too - for free.

One of the first things I'd recommend that anyone and everyone should do is to take a course in a verbal (rather than mathematical or symbolic) system of logic, Gerard Casey (Prof of Philosophy at UCD (Dublin)) has one up on Mark Thornton's site, and David Gordon (University of California) has one up on mises.org it's a vital skill which is just not taught in the state sector system.

A few years back, i got talking to a woman (completely by chance) who worked for one of the Scottish universities, and she provided the support for people with severe dyslexia etc, who despite being unable to read, were performing well at university, and in the jobs market afterwards. Obviously it depends on field, they aren't going to be doing english lierature or becoming librarians, but in Physics or engineering - they can do well.

What I'm trying to say, is that, if you check out the resources, there really is no need to go to day prison (school), in order to either learn, or to get the bits of paper (and there is not necessarily any connection between any of those three: useful learning, day prison, or getting bits of paper).

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find the information and suggestions here helpful.