highwaybeauty
Bronze Member
Hello *waves*
This is my first post here and my first attempt at writing my experiences down. I have never done this before (especially in a public forum), but I am hoping that it will bring some release for me, and take some power away from the hold the experiences have on me. I experience a lot of uncertainty around my traumatic experiences (i.e. trusting my memories, whether it is 'worthy' of being considered trauma). But in the last 3 days I have gained a bit of confidence in talking about my experiences.
Around the age of 5, I have memories of my older cousins (who would have been about 12 and 15 at the time) taking turns at touching my vagina whilst the other distracted me by using their hands as puppets (their names where Phooey and Stinky). I never told anyone in my family out of fear of not being believed, or tearing my family a part. When I was 20 years old, I told my sister (who I am incredibly close with), she called me a liar and stopped speaking to me. I never spoke about it again.
When I was 19 years old, I was out clubbing and had taken drugs (2 ecstasy pills and some speed). At about 3am I had a guy friend who asked me to come to the hotel he was staying at, he told me that there was a bunch of guys and girls there and everyone was partying. Despite not having any money, he paid for my cab ride to the hotel he was staying at. When I arrived at the hotel, I was shocked to find that the only people there was him, his cousin and another male who I did not know. As I had had sex with this guy friend before, I remember going into the bathroom and having consensual sex with him. During this time his cousin came in, I told him to get out but he did not. I began yelling at him to go away but he didn't. That is the last thing I remember. I know that I had sex with all three males as I have an imagine in my mind, of me almost looking at myself. The next thing I remember was being driven to my girlfriend's house by his cousin. Two days later I had a 'psychotic break down' and ended up in a private psychiatric facility.
Definitely feeling scared, fearful and incredibly clammy as I write this. But I hope this becomes the first step towards healing.
Thank you for reading and I hope I can become an active member of this forum :)
This is my first post here and my first attempt at writing my experiences down. I have never done this before (especially in a public forum), but I am hoping that it will bring some release for me, and take some power away from the hold the experiences have on me. I experience a lot of uncertainty around my traumatic experiences (i.e. trusting my memories, whether it is 'worthy' of being considered trauma). But in the last 3 days I have gained a bit of confidence in talking about my experiences.
Around the age of 5, I have memories of my older cousins (who would have been about 12 and 15 at the time) taking turns at touching my vagina whilst the other distracted me by using their hands as puppets (their names where Phooey and Stinky). I never told anyone in my family out of fear of not being believed, or tearing my family a part. When I was 20 years old, I told my sister (who I am incredibly close with), she called me a liar and stopped speaking to me. I never spoke about it again.
When I was 19 years old, I was out clubbing and had taken drugs (2 ecstasy pills and some speed). At about 3am I had a guy friend who asked me to come to the hotel he was staying at, he told me that there was a bunch of guys and girls there and everyone was partying. Despite not having any money, he paid for my cab ride to the hotel he was staying at. When I arrived at the hotel, I was shocked to find that the only people there was him, his cousin and another male who I did not know. As I had had sex with this guy friend before, I remember going into the bathroom and having consensual sex with him. During this time his cousin came in, I told him to get out but he did not. I began yelling at him to go away but he didn't. That is the last thing I remember. I know that I had sex with all three males as I have an imagine in my mind, of me almost looking at myself. The next thing I remember was being driven to my girlfriend's house by his cousin. Two days later I had a 'psychotic break down' and ended up in a private psychiatric facility.
Definitely feeling scared, fearful and incredibly clammy as I write this. But I hope this becomes the first step towards healing.
Thank you for reading and I hope I can become an active member of this forum :)
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