First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

I hear what you are saying anni. I know that words are truly powerful - both to destroy and to create. I know that making a recording will be a powerful tool to help me recover and be healthy. But I still don't do it.

I am totally terrified that if I get well, more evil things will happen to me. What happens then?

Let's say that I work hard on myself, and at the end of the year am fairly healthy. Then there is more trauma - and the people who did this to me really could come back and do it all again - they have never really totally gone away. I could not go through more of that trauma again, I would not survive it again.

So if I stop helping myself and stay unwell, then I am not going to become a target for them again. I think this might be the key to the problem of my fears and my tears - for me getting well might put me back in a position of becoming a target again.

 

[GreenFrog2]

So I went back to bed, turned on the radio and tried to snooze. After some time I started to feel calm and whenever my thoughts wandered away from the calm, I would gently bring myself back to my breathing - no judgement or criticism, just move my focus to my breathing. Managed to stay calm and peaceful for what seemed like ages. It is a nice empty feeling - no mad, crazy thoughts of emotions and no fears either. (Have been waiting to be able to do this task well - yippee!!!).

I then started to quietly contemplate my last post - the next stream of thinking was about how I could also accept that what has happened has happened. I allowed myself to try this and it seemed to be happening to some extent. I compared myself to some people I know who have had really bad accidents in the last year, considered what it has cost them and that a full physical recovery is very unlikely. I don't know much about their mental state, but knowing what they went through I can imagine it has been devastating for them. I know one of them is trying really hard to do her rehabilitation, and make some sense of where she is at in her life now - and what her future will be. She is struggling with this.

In thinking about these people I realized that what happened to them could happen again (car accidents) but they are trying to recover, and be as well as they can be. A part of this recovery is accepting that what has happened has happened - we can't undo it. I am going to try and remember that this acceptance is a part of my healing - I will need to accept the traumas that happened to me. Just as I willingly accept the good things that have happened, and that I have achieved - despite my mother try to destroy me. I have done lots of good things - maybe not lately, but I have done much, and can do so again!

I am going to spend today being very gentle with myself and see if I can move into this "acceptance" state of mind - then I suppose I will have to let it go?? Let all the hurt, rage, anger, fear, resentment, terror, frights, hate and jealousy go. I have been hanging onto all this as well, like an anchor to the past. I think that I do this because I am familiar with the past, and if I let go of these things then I will be casting myself adrift into the future. Being that vulnerable is very, very confronting - when I was a child I was vulnerable and was so terribly hurt by those who should have been parenting me - and from this I learnt so many childlike ways to protect myself, many of which I still use.

I do also use my healthy adult thinking (some of the time), but I am so unsure that it will be the major influence if I let go of the past. I believe that I have made good progress and that the healthy 'me' can cope with a great deal, but I don’t know if the unhealthy me will go away when I let go of her. Maybe she will stay and try to sabotage everything I do in an attempt to generate a false sense of safety??? Like has been happening since my adult trauma happened.

To prevent this I am going to have to continue with my self-help plan – especially my meditation and inner child work. I am going to have to fill the role of my mother and be my own ‘mum’, so that I can train my inner child to grow, and develop, like she should have been given the opportunity to.

I suppose that if I can do this, then I will be able to accept that my fear that my adult trauma could happen again is real – but that I can be aware of what is going on, and prevent myself from getting drawn into such circumstances again. I will have the internal skills to recognize what is going on around me, and the resources to be able to manage the situation effectively and to keep myself safe in a positive way so that I can flourish!

Moral of this story: getting out of bed can be dangerous – but staying in bed will always be dangerous.

PS: I am crying as usual, but maybe not quite so fraught as usual. I can see how every time I have tried to seek help, or help myself out of bad circumstances I was either too exhausted to do so, or my coping skills were not developed enough to manage - or most of the time it was both of these. Emotional fatigue from so may years of abuse has prevented me from growing up emotionally and from dealing with difficult situations in an effective manner. This of course leads to more emotional exhaustion.....and so the vicious cycle continues. But now I think I will make it stop and be the healthy adult that I am meant to be.

 

[anni]

Oh gosh. That made me cry, not in any bad, awful way. I could have written some of that, a lot of it. The thing where what if you get well and show it, this person who isn't who all the they's have smushed into a shape they recognize? I had a great childhood parentally, please do not feel I'm making light of your pain, there was an element in it which shaped alot and became unleashed in power and scope as we got older. It's out of control at the moment, also out of the 'evil' closet, all pretense vanished. Too long to get into, this thing wishes great harm, has caused it, hit me like 8 tons of bricks. Anyway, understand an awful lot.

This will get much too long, if I engage your entire, lovely post. I would like to say how very, very Right you are, however. it sounds awfully lonely and invalidating to have to nurture ourselves but who better to do it? We know where the ouches are, what our wounds look like and what is needed. Plus, no one can take us away from ourselves :) - no lies, no betrayals, no worries of both. Kind of perfect, really. I have a perfectly supportive husband but would rather not grind up the relationship with so, so much of that kind of support.

I do see what you mean on both counts, getting out of bed and also the original, not allowing them a healed person to once again run over with a Mack truck. There had to be a way to have both for you, disallowing them the victim and remaining healed. I once went 3,000 miles away, inadvertantly, gosh that felt good, and didn't know why! It sounds like you've processed your way to a figurative 3,000 miles, thanks for posting all that. Sorry SO long on your thread, your post just plain old made an awful lot of sense plus was hugely comforting, so thank you.

 

[GreenFrog2]

it sounds awfully lonely and invalidating to have to nurture ourselves but who better to do it?

IT is unbearably lonely - but who else? And you are so right, I don't have to worry about the lies and betrayals happening! So in many ways it feels safe - uncertain, but safe. Terrifying but safe.

I woke this morning and was not having a panic attack or high anxiety. I liked that until I realized that I am totally washed out, and feeling my loneliness as complete despair. I think my reasoning yesterday about letting go of the past, and turning towards the future has let much of my fear to start to fade away. Yesterday the fear was being replaced by calmness, but today it is desolation.

I am again thinking some very dark thoughts - would it would be easier to stop and end everything? In many ways I think that it would.

How do I get myself to keep moving forward when my abusers can so easily go on the attack again? I am beyond being able to deal with that, and I am far to tired to be able to risk it as well. I want to sleep, deep restful sleep for about 6 months! Then maybe I could cope.

But right now I don't know how to keep on going with my self-management - what for? why bother? what's the point? I don't have any choice but to keep going, but I don't know if I can - too tired (and I just got up).

Suppose that I need to have a "be kind to me day" and see if that helps - wishing that I could 'forget' my problems even for just one day.

Wishing someone had been in chat to give me a hug and feel as though I was not the only person in the world - so need some contact, craving it.

 

[Abstract]

Sending you a hug a Greenfrog. You are doing a great job of using skills to help yourself. One step after the other.

 

[nimkekaa]

whenever my thoughts wandered away from the calm, I would gently bring myself back to my breathing - no judgement or criticism, just move my focus to my breathing. Managed to stay calm and peaceful for what seemed like ages

Good for you. This is what I want to be able to do.

 

[GreenFrog2]

This is what I want to be able to do.

It has taken me ages to be able to do this nimkekaa - stick with practicing and it will eventuall happen for you. It is definatly worth the hard work.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Oh Jesus, what am I going to do? I was feeling ok for a few hours and then I was swamped by thoughts about all my financial problems:

I am terrified. If I can't find some more work within the next 2 weeks I will not be able to pay my rent. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I am too scared to ask anyone that I know for help - I even know someone who is not working and has a 3 bedroom house - am sure he could use the income from renting out a room.

How do I approach him and ask - what do I say?? (He knows things have not been going all that well for - but not how truly desperate they are). Please make some suggestions so I can work out what to do!!!!!!

I am so stuck - frozen with terror at the thought be being homeless. Desperate for help and guidance. Thinking more and more dark thoughts as the only solution. How do I ask for help - how??? I am all jammed up inside because of this.

Ok I am going to go and have a shower, there I will cry to see if I can make the tears run out. I am going to have to ask someone that I barely know if I can go and live with him. Terrified at the thought and where do I find the energy to pack and move and stay sane???

 

[anni]

He might be having the same thoughts, wondering how on earth to mainain a home, struggling to keep his head above water. Maybe approach him in a 'Here's a thought, please think about it, I realize there would be a lot to think over ', way. And have your advantages to present, since gosh, there are an awful lot. I've frequently wondered why so, so many people do not pool resources in this way, like they used to. Seems silly, doesn't it? SO many people struggling to make ends meet, maintaining individual apartments and homes when even 50 years ago renting out rooms was very common-boarding houses were extremely respectable places where single people just lived quite happily without alllll the stupid bills. Maybe also present it to him as of course open-ended, you know? And gosh, unless he's an unusual man, I'd have to guess if you made cleaning part of the arrangement, he'll see yet another huge advantage. If this doesn't transpire, please try to look around, see if there would be another situation like his, or something advertised?

I almost came back here yesterday to post something. There's one thing I forget sometimes, which tends to be incredibly helpful. I don't mean to kind of throw you a bone and then leave you flat- it really IS awfully helpful to me. Yesterday I got blind-sided with yet another charming piece of information which 'they' have been busy digging my grave with. Long story. But you know what? Doesn't matter what the h*llllll they come up with next, have at it, be my guest, guess what? I'm not one of them. My core isn't, I'm simply not capable of any of these unspeakable,unbelievable, hideous and disgustingly dishonest acts towards another human being. I'm not patting myself on the back, but boy, I'm awfully happy to know this about myself. NOT one of them,never have been, never will be, nothing anyone can do, say, hold a gun to my head, it won't turn me magically into one of THEM. I'll take that. It's an incredibly helpful realization, bottom line.

Look, some of these people are like dog crap on your shoe. No matter how hard you try, you keep smelling it, you just can't seem to get away from it, it's alwaysssss there. You had a little while back there of taking off your shoes before being overwhelmed again, it'll happen again.

Please don't allow the darkness to win, it's not the only solution, swear. Hugs, hope it's helpful. Please let us know how you are today, hope you know we care.

 

[Abstract]

Greenfrog,
Have you started compiling a letter to him? I find doing something like that can start to get my thoughts down and organised. Any start is a start and therefore OK. You could even create a thread and ask for input on here if you felt that would be helpful. Sometimes if we start nd just take the next steps then we get where we need to get - wherever that may be.

 

[anni]

That's a really, really good idea, starting a letter or a thread? You of course might be not at all like me. I'm a huge babbler unless the thoughts are pre-organised. If we can be at all helpful, it could be like we're kind of going along with you the way we used to make our girlyfriends come with us for moral support when we were all in Middle School. :)

 

[GreenFrog2]

Have you started compiling a letter to him?

We are emailing a little - about my brother's wedding etc....both very much in a "reporting style" - I like this as it is pretty safe.

I am trying to write a letter, but the shame and fear take over every time. They have been building to such a level of anxiety that I won't ever get better that they generate more fear and shame. Some of the time I am even hating myself. And I so don't want him to know how broken I am - I want to be able to see him and not break down and I believe this is what would happen - and I don't want to break down because then I won't be able to protect myself and I have to do this because there is no one else to do it for me.

On a bit of a happier note I have just had a telephone interview about a job - one that I think would be good for me as I will be good for me as I will be travelling about 50% of the time (only want it to be able to hide a bit - also think that being out of town will give me some relief from hyper vigilance). It went really well - and she will call back later today to make arrangements for a face to face interview. (I she does or I will be up shit creek).

Tears, fear, shame, hurt and more hurt. So confused!!!