For years I have not been able to let go during times of intimacy, this morning I figured out why and it was like getting hit with a two by four. When, I was with Don, he turned every response into a evil, sick version of who I was and what it was about. The normal abuser tactic, You want it, look how your body responds. But he took it much further. A ton of damage was done to a deeper inner self of who I was. The things we can't help, like, being sensitive or caring or angry or whatever.
So after my moment, I was flooded with a ton of images and his voice through my head, again. But this time, I was too spent to fight it, but I also wasn't going to let it get away from me. Not this time. He can't have this. Not when I've gotten so far. So I just let it unfold maintaining a position of more like an Aikido style dance with it. For each energy the memory gave me, I countered it with equal energy. So below is the process and my response to it.
My brain, Holy crap, I let myself go with it and found what everyone talks about. That moment of connection with another deeper then words can say or permit. PTSD, Yeah, look what a hussy you are becoming. Then gives me an image. So I took a deep breath from there and allowed the voice to rattle on, allowed my brain to give me images of a time Don really screwed with who I was inside. It wasn't just about the sex or responses or the lack thereof. None of it. It was a systematic way of making a game out of what comes natural in curiosity and turning it into some twisted vile thing. To set forth a message I deserved not only what happened, but it's because of who I was, that I deserved it.
I just breathed through it all. And was angry as a cat stuck in a bag. Oh hell no. He got everything at the tenderness part of my life, He is not allowed this. So I fought back. I had a eerily calm anger to it. Even tears fell but I was in a different space with it. The ending was I wash my hands of your crap Don. I take back whatever power I gave you because I was a kid. I am an adult now and you can't have anything precious that is left of me. What it is I want to share with someone. I deserve some peace and happiness in life even if I am a bit of a mess. And I deserve to share that with someone I love because of what it stand for in reality. A reality of no games. I got life. Don got game. It comes down to that. Games of lies and deceits. Normally I'd feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. I've heard it, now I understand it. It just took facing a huge amount of deep pain to allow it to sink in enough to finally see it for what it was. My pain isn't the reason, it was the result of being screwed with.
F you Don, I got this round.
So after my moment, I was flooded with a ton of images and his voice through my head, again. But this time, I was too spent to fight it, but I also wasn't going to let it get away from me. Not this time. He can't have this. Not when I've gotten so far. So I just let it unfold maintaining a position of more like an Aikido style dance with it. For each energy the memory gave me, I countered it with equal energy. So below is the process and my response to it.
My brain, Holy crap, I let myself go with it and found what everyone talks about. That moment of connection with another deeper then words can say or permit. PTSD, Yeah, look what a hussy you are becoming. Then gives me an image. So I took a deep breath from there and allowed the voice to rattle on, allowed my brain to give me images of a time Don really screwed with who I was inside. It wasn't just about the sex or responses or the lack thereof. None of it. It was a systematic way of making a game out of what comes natural in curiosity and turning it into some twisted vile thing. To set forth a message I deserved not only what happened, but it's because of who I was, that I deserved it.
I just breathed through it all. And was angry as a cat stuck in a bag. Oh hell no. He got everything at the tenderness part of my life, He is not allowed this. So I fought back. I had a eerily calm anger to it. Even tears fell but I was in a different space with it. The ending was I wash my hands of your crap Don. I take back whatever power I gave you because I was a kid. I am an adult now and you can't have anything precious that is left of me. What it is I want to share with someone. I deserve some peace and happiness in life even if I am a bit of a mess. And I deserve to share that with someone I love because of what it stand for in reality. A reality of no games. I got life. Don got game. It comes down to that. Games of lies and deceits. Normally I'd feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. I've heard it, now I understand it. It just took facing a huge amount of deep pain to allow it to sink in enough to finally see it for what it was. My pain isn't the reason, it was the result of being screwed with.
F you Don, I got this round.
