Undiagnosed Flashback Or Not?

[mgs5123]

Hi. I've been searching the internet for the last couple hours to try to figure out exactly what happened to me today. I'm hoping someone experienced can give me some insight.
Anyways I'm a veteran and going to school full time. I've been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist each week for about a month for what I thought to be generalized/ test anxiety, depression and/or ADHD, all the while getting evaluated for 2 hours a week by a third psychologist. I don't have nightmares, but have problems falling asleep and staying asleep. I've been very careful in each meeting not to admit to any red flags- "of course I've never thought about suicide." I've been worried about the stereotype by society (specifically my school) for being labeled with the ptsd tag. I've never been in a firefight or have been hit with an ied- my job doesn't put me on the front lines in that aspect.
Today though for whatever reason in my counseling session I had a memory. I told the therapist exactly what happened during this one occurrence- exactly what I've been avoiding. My heart was pounding. I was short of breath. I held back tears, all the while reliving this moment. At the end of it I noticed my hands were shaking. It was awkward for me- I just wanted to leave. I was embarrassed and kept my head down walking out. Even though I was able to relive the moment and had that much emotion (for lack of a better word) at the end of it I still knew I was only telling a memory- I didn't think I was actually back in the desert for a second. Of course the questions "are you ok?" And "can you cope with going back to class?" Etc came afterwards and of course I said yes.
After I left my heart was pounding out of my chest, I had a headache, light-headed, shortness of breathe, etc- a full blown panic attack. I took a Xanax and had to go home. About an hour later those same symptoms started to return and I had to take another Xanax. I regret telling my therapist about that one memory for so many different reasons.
I'm worried if I am diagnosed with ptsd, what does that mean for my future? Does that mean I can't get a security clearance down the road? And if it gets back to the military (I'm still a reservist) is it absolutely necessary I have to talk to their psychologists? I'm not comfortable talking to them, because anything I say in those offices can effect my career (I've already been in twelve years- I'd be crushed if I had to leave for this).
I've read dozens of blogs and descriptions about what a flashback is, and none of them completely match what happened to me today- I was telling a story; I was reliving the moment and my emotion showed it, but again I knew I was in counseling the entire time. Furthermore, I can talk about the same memory with my girlfriend without evoking those emotions (at least I can right now- the first time was probably a little tough). Not to mention, this memory happened a little over three years ago and I've deployed three more times since then- I'm a machine when I'm over there, but back here well... The transition has been tough but again I just feel like I have generalized anxiety and trouble concentrating- of course I hate crowds and I don't like associating with lots of people- I'm like every vet. I'm not haunted by visions though. Is this ptsd? And was my memory a flashback, and if so what kind?
Thank you in advance for any replies/ guidance. This truly seems like a great sight.

 

[Intrepid]

When I first started dealing with PTSD I was in the Marines. It was not combat PTSD, from both adulthood and childhood. I was a mess. I lost my security clearance because of my behavior, not because of what I did for my recovery. I look back and think it would have been really good to find a civilian therapist. But really, who knows? Therapists come in all shapes, sizes and abilities.

Memories that cause panic attacks suck. I've had to work through so many. I look at it this way. It's your life. Get the problem taken care of or it will run you. Sounds like you are ready to face it.

Good luck, and welcome to the forum!

 

[scout86]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm not a flashback expert. That sounds more like a memory to me. But, according to my therapist, the deal with PTSD and traumatic memories is that you experience them pretty much like they're happening now. I can't diagnosis you either. I can say that lying to your therapist isn't the best idea. They, for the most part, are trying to help you and the stuff they don't know doesn't make their jobs easier.

I'm not in the military and can't answer any of those questions. There are probably others here who can come closer and I hope they weigh in. The way I see it, though, YOU are more important than your career and sorting this stuff out sooner rather than later is the way to go. It can really mess with your whole life, not just your job.

Good luck!

 

[Powder]

That sounds like post traumatic stress, but it depends how long ago it was. If less than 3 months, then it might not be PTSD.
It sounds like an emotional flooding experience and Flight response.

I don't think that it is a flashback if you can pull up the memory at will, but I could be wrong.

Do you get nightmares, or is it just pulling up one really terrible memory that does this? If you get nightmares, then those qualify as flashbacks. If there is no intrusive thoughts and it's just a bad memory, then I don't know if you could have PTSD. There are other anxiety disorders that can be present and triggered by events or depression.

I'm sorry this happens to you whatever the diagnosis. I am also sorry I don't have any information on your military questions, but I'd suggest you check out the military induced PTSD site just in case and maybe you can get answers there.

Welcome.

 

[Chava]

That you can feel the emotions in therapy sounds like a good thing to me, but like others I can't say if it was a flashback or if you have ptsd. I do know I've talked a little about memories with a couple people and past therapists, and felt nothing, because I was simply detached from what I was saying. I just wasn't feeling it. With a better therapist I feel more of what gets brought up, I even cry...which is really rare for me. So the difference in emotions might be the context. I relate to panic and the symptoms do sound like high stress, maybe not complete reliving. That being said, we re-experience in different ways. Any visual flashbacks I have are not story-like...just unfinished still images. But I get lots of sensory, emotional and body stuff (like my body can feel it's reliving something and I am not totally aware it's happening until I'm flooded with the feelings, but I don't have picture-like memories).

If you want help for your symptoms stay honest with your therapist, whether it's ptsd or not. It might have been this memory was too much, that you also need to work on grounding, but for me it's generally been a good thing to have feelings surface. I do just have to go slowly to avoid panic or overwhelm.

 

[mgs5123]

This particular memory was in a sense, combat related. It included the loss of friends on a mission that I was on. We provide air support. This particular memory was a little over three years ago.
I don't get nightmares, but I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Lately I've had periods where I just didn't have it in me to leave the house- I have an amazing girl standing in my corner that has coached me back into the outside world when I get like this though.
About a month ago I was given a prescription for Xanax and Effexor. For about two weeks after that all I wanted to do was sleep- I attributed this to the meds but my psychiatrist believes that was the depression. It was just so.... Unordinary for me to sleep so much then.

 

[mgs5123]

It's not that I want to lie to my therapist because I'm ashamed. It just worries me about what it's going to mean for my future- it doesn't sound bad if you have anxiety. But I feel like people take a different look at you if you have ptsd (I apologize if anyone's offended- not my intent). If I were to get diagnosed with ptsd, does that label stick with me for life? Or could there be a time when you just don't have ptsd anymore?
Furthermore, even though these memories are intense for me, again I've never been in a firefight or anything that I feel warrants the label of ptsd. It's like I'm ashamed to answer the question "do you have any traumatic memories?" With a reply of "yes."

 

[Sighs]

I'm not an expert but it sounds to me like an intrusive memory rather than a flashback. In my experience (as a supporter not a sufferer) a person having a flashback is ACTUALLY reliving the event.

 

[Powder]

Yes, I have heard that I can't even be a reservist LEO simply because of my PTSD diagnosis. It's an automatic disqualifier. So I think you have every right to be concerned about your future. However, if you do have it, you could put yourself or others at risk if you did have flashbacks and such during combat. Not that I am an expert, just an ethics kind of theory to me.

Unless a psychiatrist says you have PTSD there is no sense in worrying that it is unduly.

If you can get a time to talk with the Psychiatrist about Xanax, might you ask about getting put on the XR, extended release or if s/he recommends that?

Don't take my word for it, but I had to quit what you talked about, popping more anxiety pills during an anxiety attack. When the short acting anxiety meds wear off, I felt worse.

On the Extended Release, it is taken the same time every evening. It works more as a buffer/preventer than a reaction to a panic attack. I don't know anything about your situation, so don't take advice on meds from me only; ask your Dr. But it made a lot of difference for me to be on the XR and I can't imagine going back now.

I absolutely feel that the short acting ones made my anxiety worse and I felt like a junkie always having to worry when it would wear off. I'd have to take it in front of people or I'd be shaking and getting all sick. It was terrible. This XR gave me my life back. I don't up the dose, either. If I still feel anxiety, I use alternative techniques to calm, like a bath, walk, deep breathing, water, and talking.

 

[darrenS]

Im not an expert either , but what i would do is search out a civilian therapist for answers , it could be anything and asking a question like you have will result in a myriad of responses , which im sure will leave you even more concerned or confused. Just search someone out , explain your security clearance etc and ask for some general guidance off record. There really is no other way to get a solid answer other than going forward yourself and talking to a professional

 

[mgs5123]

Are you able to concentrate on the Xanax xr? Specifically, on an intense level- could you read a book on it or could you write a paper or make a complicated excel spreadsheet if you needed to?

 

[Powder]

That's a good question. When I have to concentrate, I have to have an extra cup of coffee on the XR.

But then again, I always needed coffee. I need more just before I have to focus now. I'm not sure how much is from the meds and how much is lifestyle and PTSD stuff from lack of sleep.

So I'd ask the Doc about concentration issues. I suspect they may be the same if they are dose-related side effects. Not sure. It's the same med, but the XR just is a slow release. You don't feel bumps and valleys, and you can feel when it wears off, but barely at all, and it takes longer, giving me more of a longer window to take it if I forget a dose.

I hope this helps, but if not, no problem. Just an idea to consider if down the road, you notice the pills are a distraction or hassle.

Oh, also, on the short acting Ativan, I got headaches with each dose, so that made it hard to work. The XR has allowed me to work more easily and juggle multiple duties in my work and life, with more energy all day long. The short term meds zapped me and I was too tired.