Crazy Cat Lady
New Here
I hope it's ok to post.It was so hard yesterday.
I went to volunteering yesterday and the facilitator asked me how I was but I didn't want to talk about anything so changed the subject and asked her about her puppy (she knows I have PTSD, have flashbacks and can't be alone with men)
We set up and she took me aside and said she's doing to be touching on a bit of trauma and compassion and self compassion and said I can go out anytime. She gave me the slides so I could have a quick read through the tricky bits.
I walked out and went to the toilet when they were talking about being young and childhood experiences and not blaming yourself etc. I came back in about 10 mins later.
At the end they did a befriending meditation. I tried to keep grounded but when it was talking about forgiveness and being kind to yourself etc it got too much and I walked out and went to the toilet again.
Everyone left at the end and I stayed sitting in the chair and felt quite disorientated and didn't get up and start tidying up like I normally do. She gave me a tray to carry in to the kitchen (as she doesn't leave me on my own in a room and she noticed I was shaking and didn't give it to me She wanted me to come with her to the kitchen and I did and I couldn't stop shaking. She took me to a room and I can't remember much
I felt I was in the past. I vaguely heard her keep telling me where I am, who I'm with, that I'm safe and nothing can hurt me. I'm sure she was saying that to me but felt stuck in the past. I vaguely heard her telling me I'm safe, it's Friday, I'm in the office with her and K and kept asking me to repeat it. I think I said I felt sick as there was some water in front of me. I often feel sick during flashbacks as I remember being sick a lot when it was happening.
When I came round she asked me where I was, who I'm with and got it right etc but noticed I was still shaking.
When I was coming out of it I had my koosh ball. I must have said to her it was in my bag. She kept asking me about my cat as she knows I love my cat and I feel safe with her. When I came round she said it's okay, I'm safe now and no one can hurt me.
I said I wanted to go home but she said I was still shaking. They were worried as I had my car. When she had to go (she had to get to another group but she left about 1.45 so must have got there late.) she got K to stay with me until she thought I was ok to drive. I know K and she said she also knows what to do said to K she'll call her later.
She asked me if I can email her in the week, I said I'll try she said even its just ok or not ok.
I feel so ashamed as no idea what happened.
I know I felt shaky in the kitchen with her and then I came round in the office with the facilitor and K and she kept telling me where I was, who I was with etc and kept telling me to look up. She came and sat next to me and kept wanting me to try and look at her.
She wants me to get a photo of my cat printed out and keep it in my bag so we can look at if if I have a flashback again.
I feel so strange and so exhausted.
They asked if they can call anyone I said no thank you, I like to deal with things on my own. She said she can see that.
I'm so scared she had to see that as no idea what happened, just that I was stuck in the past. I remember a knock on the door and I was so scared and think I asked whose at the door. I think that scared me.
My whole body aches today.
I went to volunteering yesterday and the facilitator asked me how I was but I didn't want to talk about anything so changed the subject and asked her about her puppy (she knows I have PTSD, have flashbacks and can't be alone with men)
We set up and she took me aside and said she's doing to be touching on a bit of trauma and compassion and self compassion and said I can go out anytime. She gave me the slides so I could have a quick read through the tricky bits.
I walked out and went to the toilet when they were talking about being young and childhood experiences and not blaming yourself etc. I came back in about 10 mins later.
At the end they did a befriending meditation. I tried to keep grounded but when it was talking about forgiveness and being kind to yourself etc it got too much and I walked out and went to the toilet again.
Everyone left at the end and I stayed sitting in the chair and felt quite disorientated and didn't get up and start tidying up like I normally do. She gave me a tray to carry in to the kitchen (as she doesn't leave me on my own in a room and she noticed I was shaking and didn't give it to me She wanted me to come with her to the kitchen and I did and I couldn't stop shaking. She took me to a room and I can't remember much
I felt I was in the past. I vaguely heard her keep telling me where I am, who I'm with, that I'm safe and nothing can hurt me. I'm sure she was saying that to me but felt stuck in the past. I vaguely heard her telling me I'm safe, it's Friday, I'm in the office with her and K and kept asking me to repeat it. I think I said I felt sick as there was some water in front of me. I often feel sick during flashbacks as I remember being sick a lot when it was happening.
When I came round she asked me where I was, who I'm with and got it right etc but noticed I was still shaking.
When I was coming out of it I had my koosh ball. I must have said to her it was in my bag. She kept asking me about my cat as she knows I love my cat and I feel safe with her. When I came round she said it's okay, I'm safe now and no one can hurt me.
I said I wanted to go home but she said I was still shaking. They were worried as I had my car. When she had to go (she had to get to another group but she left about 1.45 so must have got there late.) she got K to stay with me until she thought I was ok to drive. I know K and she said she also knows what to do said to K she'll call her later.
She asked me if I can email her in the week, I said I'll try she said even its just ok or not ok.
I feel so ashamed as no idea what happened.
I know I felt shaky in the kitchen with her and then I came round in the office with the facilitor and K and she kept telling me where I was, who I was with etc and kept telling me to look up. She came and sat next to me and kept wanting me to try and look at her.
She wants me to get a photo of my cat printed out and keep it in my bag so we can look at if if I have a flashback again.
I feel so strange and so exhausted.
They asked if they can call anyone I said no thank you, I like to deal with things on my own. She said she can see that.
I'm so scared she had to see that as no idea what happened, just that I was stuck in the past. I remember a knock on the door and I was so scared and think I asked whose at the door. I think that scared me.
My whole body aches today.
