Childhood For Those Who Experienced Neglect And Abuse Growing Up: How Hard Was The Transition To Adulthood?

[Angela Corgan]

Still in transition age 58. Stunted development is embarrassing but natural. I just keep my sense of humour but sometimes feel very frightened and black that the mess to what should have been normal stages of development, have been so scewed that I have real inner battles. Does have an occasional upside like not being drawn into the normal preoccupations with being like everyone else:)

 

[Angela Corgan]

In answer to the post about the mother who announced her children weren't hers. My mother told me I was swapped at birth (reaction to finding out my father was sexually abusing me). I was 10 and responded by saying:

"Well could my REAL parents come and collect me please??"

She then entered into a fantasy that lead to a seige (abuser locked out smsshing glass down in front door, police social services, 'caring relatives' all on scene. All very traumatic and dramatic and I have to say if I was 10 now I would have got myself to Child line!

Must be a common f*cked up parent response.

I do smile when I remember the very English scene later with a cup of tea, the police, duty mental health worker, 'concerned relative' and me saying with smoke:

So when are my real parents coming?

 

[sarah piney]

Having been emotionally neglected, and spending my childhood terrified of my parents, I still struggle in relationships. My marriage is great, and I am very lucky there. I was diagnosed with CPTSD about 12 years ago, and had a brilliant therapist. I have difficulty with over-attaching to kind, safe people, and in the past have avoided getting close to people in case I behaved innapropriately. I often fantasised about being adopted by kind people. I struggle a lot with shame about my past, as I was arrested twice for shoplifting, and given probation. I just wanted to be the same as other people, and didn't know how, just tried to feel good by having nice food for my children (my ex was very tight with money, and was angry that I couldent work for a long period due to my symptoms. Being diagnosed helped so much as I thought I was just bad and 'spoiled goods'.
I am much better, but struggle if anyone is hostile or unpleasant, as if there is no firm ground for me to stay strong on. But I get better as time passes, and have had to mourn not having supprtive parents. Love and good luck to all of us- it wasn't our fault.

 

[illusionist]

It was great!....freedom from beatings, neglect, and dependency....I could eat, live without fear, and make my own choices. I had a lot to learn but will never forget the feeling of total, total freedom and optimism. Even in an abusive relationship my life was far better than it had been....in many ways, I was prepared for hardships.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

t took me into my 30s to end my unhealthy relationship with her....

Same here. Divorced myself from my parents and oldest brother, especially my mother, at age 35. That began my true healing from my abusive childhood. My oldest brother was an N like my mother. At the time I was being "vitriolic" according to my stepdad. He told me to stop or not contact them until I was more civil. I opted for the second way and stopped contacting them in 1988. That wasn't the answer they expected. Best decision I ever made.

 

[garden]

as a child I learnt many skills from being abused, how to work hard, cook, clean and to be independant.

I did this too, and I also learned self discipline and good organization skills. I lacked social skills, could not regulate or understand my emotions at times, and had other issues, but these skills that I learned made it possible to keep a roof over my head. I spent all of my 20's in survival mode, and while I never got rich, I was able to take care of myself without having to depend on anyone, but that's mostly all I did during those years really. I usually had 2 jobs because they were low paying so I had to work more hours. I was in an out of school, and eventually got my BA, but all the while I struggled for survival. I wish that I had learned to see my self worth so that I would have had more confidence, and so I would have made better choices on the friendships and relationships that I had. I never trusted anyone enough to let them look after me financially until I met my husband. I try not to walk down the 'what if' road, because it's a dead end.

 

[foreveralone2099]

I wish that I had learned to see my self worth so that I would have had more confidence, and so I would have made better choices on the friendships and relationships that I had.

was it hard for you to meet appropriate people working lowpaying jobs.
i could always see the trouble lightyears ahead but honestly that was around.

 

[Lionheart]

The transition into adulthood has been ongoing:

By that, I mean that some things I took on early in life; I learned that I was to be responsible and that there were consequences for my actions...However, having said that....

Many things I only learned by trial and error, and the process was difficult and very painful!!!

And some things I am still learning, like how to parent my inner child selves....

Life it seems is delicate and fragile and it can be tricky achieving balance, for me, 'moderation in all things' was key.

 

[garden]

@foreveralone2099 When I worked low pay jobs I got hit on a lot by predatory men who thought they could lure me with their wealth and it felt really gross and I had trouble dealing with it because I was always trying to be polite so they would often persist which made going to work feel hard. I'm glad I'm able to be 'impolite' when it's useful now. I didn't make many friends during this time. I did go through a period where I had my own business and only worked part time, and did therapy every week, and during that time I only worked with women and I got to hang out with a couple of them socially, but still had trouble connecting and later staying connected. It's always been hard to meet 'appropriate' people.

 

[foreveralone2099]

@garden i had the same experience thanks for sharing i'm so glad i wasn't the only one.

i was sick as a young woman and didn't think i could find other employment and was afraid they'd fire me if complained so i didn't push too hard. i think there are a lot of entitled men who think they deserve your time and attention no matter how annoying/uncomfortable that leaves you.

 

[garden]

@foreveralone2099 Agreed. I also think that they recognize our vulnerability and even know we have been mistreated somehow through body language, and reading us through subtle interaction. They know we are lost and fearful, and in need of love. I felt that my poor self-esteem showed combined with my politeness made me approachable, yet I knew not how to be different in order to be less approachable. I never once believed they truly liked me, I believed they wanted to use me and abuse me and I did not enjoy the attention one bit, especially because it felt so aggressive as they came on so strong and confident. These were powerful men, who were preying on me because they saw me as an 'easy' target. The flip side of this was that I could not make friends with the women that I worked with because they often resented me for getting a lot of male attention, and I could feel their resentment and I heard their cutting remarks about me, I saw them roll their eyes at me...and this made the whole environment suck. Work was always anxiety producing, but I had to endure it in order to survive. Those were the lonely years. All I did was survive. I was so grateful when I was able to work exclusively with women and for myself.

 

[JPBailey]

I can relate to this so much. Now that I am grown up I can look back and find some tips for you.

First off being a run-away I had my freedom and that was important to me. So important that it kept me from getting in with the wrong people and doing illegal things. I was locked up as a kid and so I was careful not to (get caught) do anything wrong.

Second I was a survivor. I could always find food, friends, shelter (cheap apartments with roommates) and minimum wage jobs. I think this taught me a lot of skills and where I learned to get along with people better.

Thirdly I smoked a lot of pot to take the edge off as I was always going through something emotional. Because I valued my freedom I didn't get into anything I would be dependent on or dependent on some dealer for. I didn't want anyone controlling me; including drugs.

Fourth I loved school, so I kept going using grants and work-study programs and made it through. I never had money but somehow I made it through.

Fifth I followed my heart and my dreams. I always wanted to be a counselor so I could help other kids like me and I grew up to be a counselor and a social worker and that has taught me a lot about emotions and disorders and how to help people.

Sixth, since this is all off the top of my head I don't really have a 6th item.

Seventh - I learned to keep making friends. I didn't always do this. I learned the hard way that friends come and go so I had to keep making new ones. This led to number eight.

Eight - I learned that I could re-invent myself many times as often as I wanted or needed to. I could regroup and let go. I had to do that by force so many times that I got used to using it by choice. Whenever I wanted to make a new change and put the past behind me I'd re-invent myself. This led to number nine.

Nine - No one really knew me or my past unless I wanted them to. This gave me the freedom to act as if and fake it til you make it and let me meet new people and practice new social skills without anyone knowing how hard or foreign that was to me and it helped me grow my personality.

Tenth - things seemed fairly easy until my 30's. I mean all I had to do was survive my youth and I did. But in my 30-s and 40's is when relationships and parenting became a real struggle for me. I joined a lot of face to face support groups and that's the only thing that really helped.

But that's also when I learned about EMDR, and EFT or Tapping and I dove into healing myself and it worked really well. I was able to really clear out some old stuff and be able to move forward.

I started getting clear on what I really wanted, emphasis on "I". I wrote lists of what I wanted in a relationship, in a job, in my life style etc and anything that didn't fit my lists I would say "no" to and keep going. This helped me find my soul mate and my dream job and my resort living life style.

Sounds fancy, but really I found a good man and we've been together 9 years. I found a good counseling job that is low pay but I love what I do. And we found a nice apartment near the river where there is a bike path. That's like paradise for someone like me who grew up on welfare with a crazy mom and was abused in every way and then was a run away at only 14.

I suck to my guns out of my ability to be stubborn. I took care of myself because I loved my freedom. I worked jobs I didn't like because I liked the security of a roof over my head.

I had many pivotal moments. Like when I had low self-esteem, I asked a counselor if I deserve self-esteem or if I could ever get it. She said, "Anyone who puts the work in deserves it".. That helped me keep working for it. Reading books and doing groups and affirmations and being proud of my accomplishments in life. (This didn't even start to happen til my 30's).

I asked about forgiveness and was taught that forgiveness comes naturally later after you process all your stuff, so I was not burdened with the expectation or obligation to forgive anyone.

I learned my anger helped me on the inside fight my inner critic better than on the outside where it scared people.

I remember learning that "all answers can be found within" and it puzzled me but I never forgot it and many years later I realized it was true. I'm not fighting the world or my past abusers, I was fighting the idea of them in my own head. Once I learned to make peace with my enemies in my head, the whole world seemed to change on the outside too, because I was viewing it with new eyes.

I learned many things, like that isolating didn't keep me safe, engaging and connecting kept me well.

I had to take care of myself and not wait for permission or encouragement or someone else to rescue me. I was mad about that for years, but I'm glad I took care of myself.

I learned a lot about personalities. Personality disorders and then Personality types. I found my type and learned a lot about myself and with the PDs I understood why some people are abusive and learned to stay out of their webs of misery.

I was scared many times, but I had my Tapping to help me work through it. I've changed so much you wouldn't recognize me now or ever know I had been through so much. I pray and practice smiling every day until I got used to it. I was always serious before and others thought I was always mad, so I learned to smile more and get out of myself and realize what others saw - not just what my head said they saw in me.

It was very hard. Many times I thought my life was over. Many times I ached for a mother or a family. Many times I got burnt and used and hurt by others. I would go deep into depression and then eventually come out of it and at least I learned from my mistakes and tried not to let those bad times repeat themselves. Whenever I discovered I had a pattern - I really set out to change it for the better. I did not want my past controlling my life.

All along, all I needed was love. Real love where you are validated and accepted and encouraged. Every time I got some of that I flourished and bloomed and as life got better that motivated me to keep going. Later I learned how to demand love and respect in return.

Every bad thing that I went through, I would think to myself, "This will just make me a better counselor later." And it was true, I am, but that belief also kept me from giving up because I had hope in my future self.

I hope some of these tips I learned in my 50 some years will help some young people who are struggling today. It's hard to make it alone, but you are not alone. It's hard to feel alone but you are not the only one. Connect with like-minded people and keep your dreams alive. You are loved because I love you. You are lovable. You are worth it. You do matter. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong or it's your own head that was programmed, and you can work your way out of that with recovery and wellness.

Recovery and Wellness can be so complicated that I came up with a daily routine and just tried to do 5 things per day and that was enough to help me keep going. The good news is that doing those 5 things accumulated into a life. So start small with nano-baby steps and keep moving forward toward your wellness and your dreams.