Forced To Take Leave From My Job

[simplekindofgirl]

(((Maddog))) I understand this feeling. All of them.

The disappointment of being told to take a leave, having to face the stress of it all, and then not knowing how to face going back. I have been there- and while you are right nothing that I can say will even tough how you feel- just know that you are absolutely not alone. I have been there. I am sure many of us have.

It is hard to confront or face it. It will be hard. But won't it be worth it?

 

[Meadowsweet]

Maddog, now the option of going back is there, you are in complete control of this situation. If you feel unable to go back in January, you don't have to. If you need time to consider your decision, to talk to your therapist or your boss about problems you might face going back, then give yourself time to do that. Don't let anyone pressure you and try not to pressure yourself. You don't have to make a decision right away, so perhaps just give yourself some time to be kind to yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maddog, this is wonderful news, but you need time to process it and 'de-stress'.

I have worked for the majority of the past 29 years, and had an occassional nightmarish-boss (or more frequently supervisor or co-worker).

Your supervisor will pull her reigns in- trust me on this one, now that the issue has been addressed, over-her-head, and she has been found in-the-wrong. As you said she doesn't have the authority and your boss was neither aware nor in agreement.
If she does not alter (that) behaviour in the future, she will be under review- not you.
Likely she is doing this to many- trust me, they always do- 1st Class Bullying.

If anything, it is an example of how a horrible. horrendous situation (for you) can and has been corrected through the support and communications of your T and Boss, and yourself. Your T came through for you immediately, and your Boss supported your work performance.
And neither could have if you hadn't said anything and (let yourself) be 'run out'.

Meadowsweet is right- the decision is in your hands and doesn't have to be made now.
If it's any consolation, those who are the best, most conscientious and least 'aggressive' (bullying') workers often contribute the most and produce the highest level (standard) of work. We are often hardest on ourselves because we are not as assertive, and hold our performance to a standard of 'perfection' or 'near- perfection'.
Ptsd has a way of making us feel (sometimes) due to 'it', that we (therefore) must be 'falling short'- in any arena: work, relationships, personally, professionally, etc.
The real truth however, is that no one is perfect- even without ptsd- and it's quite ok.

Also, -you kept your head- despite how you felt, you reached out and contacted your T (not easy to do with ptsd), and expressed yourself here- I'd call that Great Progress (when you felt the worst), way to go :) :tup:
((((((maddog))))))) :inlove:

 

[KP the nut]

(((Maddog))), I'm not in a good place today but just wanted to let you know, I'm thinking of you. It is wonderful you have a T who has your back and a supportive boss.

Take time to yourself, breathe and ground - I think I need to listen to myself :rolleyes:

 

[maddog]

Sorry everyone, am not feeling very together or competent right now, so I'm avoiding the quoting thing to respond to you all individually, but truly, thank you so much for all of this grounding, rational good advice, it means a lot, and I know that in time, as some of the worst of this irrational distress ebbs away (I hope), those words will become real gold to me.

Simplekindofgirl, you asked if it would be worth it? I hope so, gosh, I really do, because right now I need to find some solid structured security in my life again, I feel as though I am in complete freefrall, and if getting myself back to work and reestablishing the former safe predictable routine I had there can achieve that security, then you bet I'll be glad.

Meadowsweet, I take your point re being in control. Again, time to remind myself of this, often. I've been thinking that maybe I really will take some more time off in January. Maybe I really do need a break away, and as long as I know it's not enforced, maybe I can feel ok about doing that. I just don't know... the inability to make decisions about either big or little things, along with the inability to feel conviction in anything for more than a few seconds, seems to have become some sort of chronic mental defect in me these past months.

Junebug, you give such good advice, I will keep and reread this post often I think. You have nailed the workplace and human dynamics beautifully here. Yes, DJ is a recognized bully with a history of such and I have seen her treat others in this way multiple times. She also is very cunning and manipulative and presents an absolutely irresistibly professional and appealing exterior to her superiors. The reality is that she treats those "below" her very, very differently from those "above" her, and those actually aren't my words, they are the description of someone else who I consider to be a very astute and to-the-point judge of character.

I did used to be the hard working and high achieving person you describe, but it is true that that has changed markedly in recent months. I know that my work performance really is poor, I have no issue with the fact that she identified that, because it's true. I seem incapable of addressing that rationally though, in that the utter shame and failure I feel about that completely obliterate any sense of perspective that others seem to have for the reasons why that is the case, or the fact that it's understandable... etc. God, I can't even write about it really, it hurts intolerably.

Through all of this I am trying to hold onto what I already knew and have had reinforced yet again. I am so so so lucky to have the T and the boss that I have, and for the fact that they have such a functional working relationship as well. It's one of the truly blessed things about my situation which I try to be thankful for every day. I know that they both "have my back" and that probbly gives me more comfort than anything else in the world. Will it ever be enough to beat the insecurities?

And KP, sorry you're struggling right now, it meant a lot that you should respond to me.

Maddog

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Maddog- You take care of you. Be kind to yourself. Hugs to you friend. Many, many hugs!

 

[Srain]

((((((((((Maddog)))))))))))

I just wanted to say that I think you are handling this all extremely well despite what your head might be telling you. Each step you are taking looks to be right on target. I have been in your position, it's VERY uncomfortable and unsure, you are right to do each of the things you are doing. Rest, breathe, take time out.

Sending you peace, comfort, and clarity,
Rain

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Maddog, now the option of going back is there, you are in complete control of this situation. If you feel unable to go back in January, you don't have to.

............................................ try not to pressure yourself.

You don't have to make a decision right away, so perhaps just give yourself some time to be kind to yourself.

As my doc told me recently when I told him I felt like I should be going back to work. "You haven't learnt yet, have you? There is no should when you're talking about your health/returning to work." Not easy when you don't want to let people down but sometimes you need to put yourself first.

I think I mentioned before that your employer has a duty of care regarding health & wellbeing and with such a good T to help you, when you return to work you will be feeling confident & stronger.

Please allow yourself time to recover from this upset that was not your fault.

((maddog))

 

[KP the nut]

As my doc told me recently when I told him I felt like I should be going back to work. "You haven't learnt yet, have you? There is no should when you're talking about your health/returning to work." Not easy when you don't want to let people down but sometimes you need to put yourself first.

Lady S, you and your T are very wise people. My T never liked the 'should' word either.

 

[maddog]

How funny, T refuses to let me say that word and leaps exaggeratedly all over me whenever I do, to the point at which I note it whenever anyone else says it and can't bring myself to say it at all nowadays... he did a good job rewiring my brain on that one!

It's now almost a running joke between us.

Sadly, however I may have learned to avoid the word, I clearly haven't developed a similar ability to avoid internalising the concept. It's one of my most niggling, constant, destructive intractable thought patterns, and I know it does damage.

Feeling so rotten about this whole situation again tonight, a day of mildly pleasant distraction with a friend seems to have only made it all feel worse than ever.

I think I'm just feeling enormously intimidated by the thought of DJ right now. Some of what she said was so triggering for me that it's almost bizarre to think she could never have known that. And she very blatantly attacked me about my condition, referring sarcastically to my "sad little story" and accusing me of using that as my excuse for doing whatever I liked and not being accountable for my behaviour. She criticised me for disappearing from the office all the time and questioned whether I really am going to T appointments as I say I am...

It just went on and on. But there was something in the way she kept coldly imploring me to "explain it to me...", in response to a whole range of issues and concerns she raised, that sounded and felt so much like my mother that I have no words to describe it. I could have been five again, confronted by my mother's angry mocking presence, compelled to lie and make up an excuse for something, trapped, frozen, terrified...

I'm struggling to breathe just thinking about this, or remembering the cruel replay of that scenario that took place with DJ on Tuesday.

As I said, I know she can't have known that (though I'm sure she'd have been delighted to realise she was being even more distressing to me than she'd intended), and yet... how can I ever face her.

God, I just feel so sick.

Maddog

 

[KP the nut]

But there was something in the way she kept coldly imploring me to "explain it to me...", in response to a whole range of issues and concerns she raised,

(((Maddog))), some people just have no idea. As she is so 'interested' and wants PTSD 'explained', is it possible to print some information from the site and give it to her. Personally I'd give it whilst saying something like 'you wanted it explaining, this information is written so even you should understand'.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I could be there to help.
Take care
KP

 

[Srain]

(((((((((Maddog))))))))))

That sounds horridly triggering to me as well. I cannot fathom her response and wonder if there was indication of her attitude prior to this episode. We never know what someone else is thinking or whether we are over-reacting from our own personal experiences.

I think KP has a point. Going by her own words and seeing as she did in fact ask for the information, I might think about supplying it. It will go a long way to setting your relationship with her on a track of professional and informational. I would go about it formally and as non-reactive, perhaps through email if you are more comfortable that way. Just suggestions, I'm sure you and your tdoc will figure it out how best to deal with this.

Surely you need some time to recoup from such a interaction, again, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. :( Please continue to care gently for yourself.

Peace,
Rain