Forgiveness

[Footie freak]

So, I went to therapy yesterday and the session was based on a single word... Forgiveness.

How do I forgive myself let alone others for my trauma. I feel guilty. If I even begin to try and forgive myself, I am scared that I will loose control and my wall that I have built around me will start to crumble...can anyone offer advice??

 

[Nebulustrix]

Dejavu! I posted a thread on the same topic in the domestic violence forum a couple days ago. ;)

Forgiveness is hard. Especially forgiving yourself. I've always felt like I never had any problems with forgiveness, because I don't hold grudges. I don't really get angry with people. I tend to be very understanding and good at seeing things from the other person's point of view. So, I'm good at not getting upset with people.

However, as I've been digging deeper into this topic of forgiveness, I'm finding that this doesn't really mean I'm good at forgiving. It means I'm good at not getting offended. Forgiveness is another matter entirely. If I don't get offended, then there is no hurt to forgive. My trauma is the one event in my life that really, truly hurt me. And while I find myself doing the same as with any other situation - not feeling angry, being understanding, etc - I am finding myself unable to really LET GO of the hurt, and isn't that what forgiveness is all about? Letting go?

The terror that still runs deep and makes me unable to face my past abuser seems impossible to be rid of. It's this constant presence I feel in my gut, this twist of anxiety that surfaces any time I think about trying to resolve it. I can bury it, cover it up, hide it, and "forget" about it, but it's still there. I can't seem to let it go. So does that mean I haven't really forgiven? I think it does.. I think if I was really able to find forgiveness for myself and my abuser - I'd be able to let go of my terror and find REAL peace, not the temporary peace of covering up and managing it.

I like your description of the walls crumbling, because I feel like I'm keeping up two types of walls myself. 1. The walls around my fear - keeping it under control and hiding it so it doesn't spill out and overwhelm me. These walls are very tender and have some "leaks" that I keep patching up, trying to keep my fear contained. 2. There are the "outer" walls I've built because of my fears. Walls designed to protect myself from future hurts - walls based on experience and caution. These I'm constantly tending, trying to maintain them at a height that is "just right", so that I'm not being overprotective but also not leaving myself vulnerable.

Working on forgiveness means working on the fear which means upsetting the careful balance of my walls. Not certain how to do this myself other than to continue working on facing our fears, on desensitizing ourselves to our triggers, on finding that balance between sufficient self-protection and "letting go". While we need to be able to forgive, we also need to be careful not to let it ALL go - because we need to remember enough to prevent situations that will lead to more trauma. The more I think about it, the more I think that all PTSD really is - is that constant battle and struggle to find a balance between protection and forgiveness, because our instincts have driven us into over-protective mode.

 

[keifer]

This is on the religious aspect. God can decide to forgive him or not. I will not forgive him. I ask god for the strength/will to go on. I will never believe giving someone a date rape/torture drug without their consent and against at their will is OK. Else its, OK to rape, OK to commit suicide, OK to bring violence on the weak.

 

[Britt.f7]

I have forgiven, most, but not all.

I've tried to forgive myself and that is unbelievably the hardest one yet. Even though I know I hold no fault in my traumas.

Forgiveness, in my mind, is for myself not them...and I am surely not going to forget. It has given me some freedom to be able to let go. Doesn't mean that I believe what they did was right. Doesn't mean I would allow it to happen again, if I was able to stop it. They have to live with themselves and I believe in Karma.

Forgiveness can be very freeing. Letting go and saying you have no hold over me. That, to me, is forgiveness.

 

[arfie]

I think I can offer more empathy than advice. I have struggled long and hard with this one. I mostly believe it is easier for me to forgive others than myself. As Britt said, I do it more for myself than others. Forgiveness allows me to cut the strings of resentment which so strangle my life, but without the ability to forgive myself, doubt comes easy.

In recent months I have been wondering if it is my guilt habit or low self esteem which is blocking me. There are several places where I am feeling a need to forgive myself for my performance during experiences I might should be grateful for the opportunity to have had experienced at all. Focusing on appreciation for these experiences does seem to be easing the guilt pangs, but it is still early in the experiments.

 

[keifer]

I appreciate your words. I like some of them better than forgiveness. I also now see, I might be blaming myself, or I should have done something else. I had a nightmare re-living the whole event. I wanted do something else but i was scared and frozen. My other nightmares, I do not remember, I just wake up crying or very scared/hyper. I think its been happening for a while, I didn't start journaling until this month.

 

[DMerish]

Forgiveness: I've given this topic a lot of consideration over several years, particularly this last year.

I had formally developed a theory around why the person(s) abused me and that theory (a mental activity) helped envelope me and the other person(s), there are two of them - my ex and my daughter, in a manner that allowed my emotions to accept what happened as "it happened". They were not the cause. I was not the cause: "it just happened" -

It happened because of my vulnerabilities, my lack of understanding, my lack of forethought and insight, and my upbringing. It happened because of the other person(s), lack of understanding, lack of forethought and insight, their vulnerabilities and their upbringing. I'm not perfect, and neither were/are they.

Accepting my imperfections has helped me to have a bit of self-understanding and I felt that I had forgiven the other person(s) for a long, long time. But forgetting is different than forgiving. To forget could possibly lead me into similar situations with other people. I don't want that; I don't want to entirely forget what happened. The remembrance is tucked away as experience, which adds to my knowledge about myself and other people.

Last December I had (doctor's said) a minor heart attack (HA). it didn't feel minor to me. I literally thought I was going to die, if not when it occurred or within a few days, but possibly within a few months. Over the next few days after the HA a sense of peace came into me unlike I had ever felt before - peace within myself and being at peace with others. I felt a wave of forgiveness towards my abusers pass through me much deeper than any forgiveness towards them before. It was coupled with a sense of compassion and forgiveness for all persons of humanity that had harmed others "for they did not know" . . . feeling/sensing the depths of suffering due to traumatic events that so many people have experienced, I sobbed and sobbed for days. As the sobbing began to subside, I felt profoundly grateful for my life and all of the experiences that I've ever had. It lasted many days.

Then, about a week and a half later, I learned that my daughter went through a horrific event due to her boyfriend. After hearing what happened and the gruesome details, I became enraged (despite the fact that she was someone who had physically abused me, I still cared for her). I was, and still am, very pissed at the boyfriend. Then feeling of betrayal and injustice over what my daughter did to me, what her father did to me, and what my daughter's boyfriend did to her came like hurricane and lifted the peacefulness and compassion - the old nightmares, flashbacks and anxiety that I was familiar many years ago returned along with depression and a heightened fear for my personal welfare. It doubled for a while when father and daughter and other family wanted me to contribute money for the boyfriend's funeral, my daughter's living, medical and counseling expenses whilst her father receives six or seven times the amount that I earn from a government pension because "parents should equally care for their children." Funny, the father didn't believe that before. My finances dwindled because "You bore the children, they're your (my) responsibility." Since our children are adults, I don't believe that now. Besides, no pension for me in my retirement years, lol.

What I'm learning (finally) is self-compassion and independence from what others think. As for forgiveness, I don't know. I may never feel/sense what I did back in December, or I may. I believe, however, that through my own self-compassion, putting my needs first (as long as it doesn't hurt others) that I may at least express compassion towards the people that have hurt me.

I developed a new mantra for myself in the last couple of weeks: Outwardly courteous always, but inwardly free.

Drew

 

[Luigi]

I think forgiveness is overrated. And in fact touted by people who don't deserve forgiveness. Does that make any sense?

My perps have never shown any concern or care for me and what they did to me. A couple of them (family members) have consistently tried to reconnect with me, but they never acknowledged the abuse (apparently I'm supposed to want to reconnect with them now that I'm over my shocking and unreasonable distance from them.....oy).

People who ask for forgiveness receive it. Not sure your perps have done that.

The only way I was able to begin to forgive myself (participant? dummy? fatso? deserving?) was to start to apply the thoughts I heard in my head to a stranger.....and I had so much more compassion for them than me. It helped.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Not being able to forgive myself is tied to my self hatred. When I hate myself I condemn myself to no end.

Why should I forgive my abuser? She is out of my life. I hardly ever think about her. I have no emotion toward her (conscious decision, not numbing). At this point it seems that forgiveness is unnecessary.

 

[shell]

I had a therapist who pushed me into trying to forgive my parents without even bothering to find out what they had done, by trying to see them as humans who weren't perfect. After I revealed a nightmare which was just one incident he changed his whole perspective.

The only person we have to forgive is ourselves, most people take responsibility for their abusers actions.

No-one can make anyone do anything, it's really that simple. Everyone decides and acts upon that decision, based on their intereptation of how they perceive someone or something. So if they chose to hurt others, they chose that course of action, just like if we chose to forgive, it should because we want it.

Personally I will never forgive my parents, but I am more understanding of the factors that lead to their actions and feel sad for the appalling parenting that resulted in their warped values, and influenced the person they chose to become.

Every adult has a choice, for example they can chose to learn from their parents mistakes or, they can become abusers and ignore the harm they inflict. They choose to violate the rights of others when they harm.

For me really understanding the factors that influenced their behaviour, enabled me to forgive myself, nothing I did or said deserved the violent abuse I received, I was just a little kid. Understanding why, gave me more compassion for myself, but also for them. I don't forgive them, because their behaviour was unforgivable to me, but I feel sad that they are so stuffed up. Sometime if we are very bitter, and we don't like that quality in ourselves, then forgiveness allows us to release it.

 

[The Albatross]

Forgiveness was a turning point for me. Britt is not far off in how she described the therapeutic value of it. There are both mental/emotional and physical benefits.
There are four key elements:

• A. Express the emotion
• B. Understand why
• C. Rebuild safety
• 4. Let go

"... [DLMURL="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200909/four-elements-forgiveness"]forgiving means returning to a place of equality. It promises health benefits, relational perks and emotional strength[/DLMURL], as you know, but it also means relinquishing power. Maybe that's why it's so difficult for so many people."

Each of the key points above are important.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I will never believe giving someone a date rape/torture drug without their consent and against at their will is OK. Else its, OK to rape, OK to commit suicide, OK to bring violence on the weak.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you are saying what they did was OK. I know not everyone on this forum is religious, but I'm going to use a scriptural example here to explain my point -

There was a woman taken in adultery, and some men from the church brought her before Jesus as a challenge, to see what he would do. They said that their religious law stated such a sin required the sinner be stoned. They knew He was a merciful person and were expecting Him to break that law so that they could then accuse him.

Jesus then told them "He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone." Recognizing their own sin and filled with guilt, the accusers left. Jesus and the adulterous woman were now alone. Jesus looked at her and said "Woman, where are thine accusers?" They were gone. And Jesus told her "Neither do I condemn thee - Go thou, and sin no more."

The fact that he told her to "sin no more" is significant. It means that he did not say adultery was OK. He did not say "do whatever you please, it doesn't matter, you are forgiven." NO. He said "sin no more".

Forgiveness is for a PERSON, not an action, choice, or deed. When we forgive a person, we do not condemn then, but neither do we condone the action. So, forgiveness is very important - because it is that recognition that we are all imperfect, that we all make wrong choices that in some way shape or form will hurt someone else. And while we recognize that those choices are wrong, while we are not saying "adultery is OK", "abuse is OK", "rape is OK", we ARE saying - "You as a person are OK, and forgiveness is made available for you."

Now - here's the kicker. If we do not forgive others, the Lord will not forgive us. He's said - "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." , "Forgive, and ye shall be forgiven", and "If ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in Heaven forgive your trespasses". So, this:

The only person we have to forgive is ourselves

Is not true. If we want the Lord to forgive us, then we have to find it within ourselves to forgive those who have hurt us. We are required to forgive everyone, if we want to be forgiven. Does that mean we take responsibility for their wrong-doing? No. Does that mean we are saying what they did was OK? No. Forgiveness is simply an opportunity to let go of the past and move forward - it is a chance for people (ourselves and others) to progress, and change, and HEAL and become better people.

The reason we must forgive everyone while the Lord get's to choose, is because the Lord can see in a person's heart and know if they've truly repented. The Lord know's who's done their part to move forward, to be the best they can be. He knows their struggles and imperfections and he knows if they're working on them or just doing whatever they feel like without caring about being better. We don't know that about others. We can't judge. So we need to be able to let go and trust in the Lord.

This process provides healing for ourselves as well, as we are able to release all the pain and anguish so that we can move on. Now of course, this is from the perspective of a Christian, and I know not everyone on this forum shares that religious background, so take this post for what you will. I just didn't want anyone to confuse forgiveness with a claim that what we are forgiving is permissible. We can still be very against things such as rape, abuse, etc. and ALSO forgive the wrong-doer.