Sufferer Fragile today and new. childhood trauma, csa, dv.

[Mumstheword]

Hi all :-) I'm not sure how or where to start but I just found this site today. I'm having a rough time of it. Trauma started very early for me. Lots of scary, terrifying times from childhood on. Violence, chronic neglect, sexual assault, long-term domestic abuse with a person on the psychopathic spectrum, homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse (not now, but in the past), self harming (again, long conquered, but it happened) familial alienation, psychosis (from stress from abuse, drug use and terrible malnutrition, not now though) the usual symptoms you know, flash backs, triggers, avoidance, depression, freeze mode, weight losses and gains, hypervigilance, adrenal overpump followed by adrenal exhaustion... I was once diagnosed with BPD but the symptoms dissolved when I left the long-term abusive oppressive relationship. I have been having lots of therapy for quite some years now, It helps but sometimes it all crashes down around my ears, regardless, you know?

 

[Mytime]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm pleased you found us. I hope you look around the forum.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Yup. Unfortunately, many here very much know what you speak of. Fortunately, we have this space to gather our weary hearts and perplexed brains to try to sort and support as best we can. Wishing you wellness and some peace of mind. Welcome.

 

[Mumstheword]

Thank you :-) I've started to. I'm very emotional today and reading some of this stuff is making me cry. Better to release it though, ay?

 

[Mumstheword]

Thank you for the welcome.:-) I'll share a little more about myself. I have 7 children, beautiful children, mostly young adults now. I'm in a relationship with someone new (not that new, it's 7 years in now), not the father. I've worked in the music industry and the mental health arena. I'm taking time off for health reasons, but am about a year through an Arts degree. I tried having a baby with my new man, but in the past year have lost babies in utero 3 times. One of my son's is on the autism spectrum and has also suffered psychosis. He's finally ok now, after a lot of struggle and work to get him the right supports. After this last loss and seeing my "special" son finally sorted (he's 25 now), I've fallen in a big heap and can't seem to move or get out of the house, or stop dwelling on too many painful things that have happened. I appreciate the promise of this forum; I was involved in a mums forum recently but got badly triggered and I realize it's not the online community for me right now. Thanks for reading :-) and sharing with me.

 

[mumstheword]

So much of my life feels blanked out. I just know it hasn't nurtured me the way it should, its hurt me and made me feel unsafe. The bits I remember all feel extreme, like they are things that just shouldn't happen to people. And then there's my responses. On the whole, i feel kind of proud of myself, I've been strong and brave, mostly tried my hardest to be someone likeable and kind, positive and peaceful. But there are deep seated feelings of futility, unacceptablity, grief, hurt, distrust, fear and terror, helplessness and a profound sense of powerlessness that overwhelms me. I feel like I've had to go it alone and in pain, just putting on the brave face so much it's exhausted me. And I've reached the end of being able to tolerate it all and act like a "normal person". I've had to stop running and now that I've stopped, its caught up with me and the pain and loneliness are threatening to completely overwhelm me. Does that make sense? I can't carry all this lonely hurt around any longer, its too heavy. I know I'm strong, but everyone has their breaking point. I've reached mine, too many times.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the Forum! You are safe here, and will find compassion, empathy, and understanding. You sound like an AWESOME person who is worn out!

Losing 3 in utero babies in a year is so incredibly sad and painful. Physical and emotionally, I would think those alone would push one over the edge. Your hormones are probably all over the place too?:hug:

Be kind and compassionate to yourself and treat yourself well! You are a fighter... And a sweet one, too!

Blessings of peace and strength to you.:hug:
AKJ

 

[mumstheword]

What a kind warm welcome! It brought me to tears though, kindness and understanding often do these days. Yes, the pregnancy losses are just another thing in too many sad and hard things to deal with. The mind boggles just to think of what a lot of ordeals life has presented me with. A rough start seems to compound on.itself, with neural trauma-wiring causing cycles of disadvantage and callous treatment. I wish that it was not so. I am breaking the cycle. My partner is a Loving man, first I've really found. He's had it unbelievably tough as well though, and we offer each good peer support. I've spiraled down lately, while he is away visiting family. But my home and town and neighborhood are all very triggery. Health was very impacted by the ongoing complications of c-PTSD and multiple pregnancies. Now I'm wondering how to break out of this very contracted and painful, exhausted and confined state. I know I can do it, I've heaps of resources, but my brain is making my endocrine system give me a really hard time. What do others do, to combat the too-much-trauma brain-wiring lymbic disregulation and chronic people avoidance patterns? I am tired of wanting to hide and freeze.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( Hugs @mumstheword :hug:)))
May I come sit with you while you hide and freeze? Then it would be a bit less lonely? I am in isolation mode as well, and wish there was a magic wand or "spell" to erase all the bad stuff!

You ARE a survivor! Is it possible that it's your endocrine system that is messing with your brain, rather than the other way around? Have your hormones been evaluated?

I don't mean to continue bringing up the pregnancy losses.... But truly... Your hormones may be wacky right now. I know that Cortisol increases during stress, and it takes a good 3 months after a birth for hormones to calm down.
(I worked in OB/Gyn)

I also had a little girl with severe birth defects who lived 11 years. I wouldn't trade having her for ANYTHING... But it was sometimes more than I could bear.... The postpartum depression bordered psychosis.

Certainly your life traumas and the abuses will probably always be with you in some way, but try not to blame yourself for what your brain chemicals are most likely doing?

Maybe try to "comfort" that little girl inside you, and tell her that she is safe, good, and SO VERY LOVED?!? You are going to make it through thiis!

You have the desire, support, and knowledge, and you BELIEVE it will happen. The PERFECT ingredients for success! Oh, and you found this site! I have been a member for over 6 years and the compassion and understanding are invaluable!:hug:

I hope your Honey will be home soon, and that in the meantime, you will give yourself grace and mercy.... To be ever so gentle with the lovely person you are?

When it comes to how other's do to combat the bad thoughts and feelings? There are some people who use music, art (I have no talent but like to doodle and color) and being in nature.

I watch YOUTUBE videos about funny animals, people who live in RV'S and travel full time. (I would love to do that) There are videos about everything from A-Z...

When I am really down... I sleep a lot. It's my escape. The main thing is to not give up, and thankfully you already know that!:tup::hug:

Keep reaching out and your Sweetie will be home soon!

Blessings, Hugs, and prayers coming your way!

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you so much for the lovely reply Angelkeeper:). Yes my hormones are definitely out of wack. I'm on permanent trigger alert and my safe person is not here. Everywhere I live ends up being full of traumatizing people, thankfully not inside my home anymore, but this place and the last place both ended up causing more damage with extreme neighbors. It's disheartening 'coz I go to huge lengths to address everything and do all the right things but the trauma cup is so tanked up, it really doesn't take much to be a quivering, hiding freezing mess.
Yes, hide with me Angel! :-) i have been sleeping and hiding in bed most of the time, this whole year and 1.5 last year at least, with the unpleasant debilitating hormonal condition of early pregnancy and then post-miscarriage. My least functional year for a very long time. I am pretty achievement focused so it leaves me feeling a bit crappier about myself. I used to be a "high functioning" nervous wreck but now I'm a low functioning one:barefoot:.
I am off to Byron Bay tonight though, going to a concert and am planning for a dance, with a big group of women I've met in "Mental Health" recovery circles. Something very new which is good.

I really, really appreciate your response and it will probably take a few reads for more to sink in as I'm copping the heavy-tight-head-full-of-dirty-cotton-wool feeling in my cerebral at the moment. Not processing super well.

My last pregnancy ended in early July, i was 3 months along with that one, 4 with the previous. I haven't seen anyone medical for tests yet, just been too unwell to get out and see a Dr (ironic that) .

Anyway, i am up late and must catch a bus soon, with my bags packed for 2 nights away and I've done nothing yet, so betta go!!!!! Love to you, you definitely seem like a new friend judging by your warm caring reply.<3

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Have FUN!!!:hug::hug::hug: