My brain hurts. It feels damaged. It aches in a dull, heavy, foggy, impaired way.
Where is my life? It is in tatters with my health.
Despite HUGE efforts on my part, i am ragged and very unwell.
I wish, now, that I had listened to the nice doctor who moved away. "Having a baby after 40 is fairly unlikely" or some such sentiment.
But I wanted a reset. I wanted a happy family without having a sociopath for the dad.
I love my children SO MUCH but their Dad has hurt me and damaged me SO MUCH and they capitulated and sided with the abuser when I was left for dead by him. They believed his lies. They shunned me when I had given them everything I had. Not all of them. I had my faithful youngest daughter with me.
She was with me in the woman's refuge. When I had to assess "How did I end up in a refuge for battered women?" My wounds were on the inside but they were killing me none the less.
I couldn't die. I had children who needed me. I couldn't leave them with him as their only parent. The hospital just treated me like I was an.insane person, thanks to the BPD I had copped by a psychiatrist who had seen me for all of 1/2 hour. She never asked me about abuse or neglect. No body told me about gaslighting then, I did think it was all me.
I was crazy and bad, even though I had kept my family together, done all the hands on work raising my 7 children, been a successful musical artist (badly paid and treated but still, the work was quality), and helped countless people who were in a bad way.
My motto was "You don't know how close to the last straw they are, this could be the kindness that makes the difference between wanting to live or die".
I knew too well about being that far down. I had survived by giving to others what I desperately needed myself. Until I realized that that wasn't going to be enough. I needed care myself. I needed someone who cared about me.
I met my sweet darling, brutalized, brain damaged friend. He was kind and genuine. I had never experienced that before. I believe it saved my life.
I am ill now after relaxing on the birth control. I figured if I couldn't conceive coz of my age, why bother about birth control? After all, I wanted a baby with the first man I'd actually been able to love without being hurt and who loved me.
Who would NEVER try to poison my children against me and cover up the destruction of my person. He would never hurt me with such maliciousness, disregard and contempt.
Our child would have been wrapped in love, laughter, honesty, integrity and, because of what we are and have lived through, much humility.
And we are both avid environmentalists, humanitarians and have high IQ's, so most likely our child would have been brilliant (yeah so humble, I know).
He is a miracle man. He is still the most brilliant man I know, even though he forgets things. He had to relearn to talk. It's amazing he survived what he's lived through. He inspires me every day.
We tried to have a baby but instead I am physically ravaged and depleted, for the attempt. 8 and a 1/2 months of pregnancy (5 weeks, 4 months, 3months) with nothing to show for it but way worse health.
I gave it a go because I wanted to start fresh. I wanted the most beautiful gift of a lifetime to be without torture and excruciating misery and emotional pain. But one thing I've learnt, you can't avoid dealing with things, they will creep up on you and overcome you when you are off guard.
I have to face it all and it still hurts like a bitch.
