Freezing With Dread

[sun seeker]

Lately I'm having an intense time with flashbacks and working on body memories. My inner timer seems to have gone off and decided now is the time to work through things I've been holding for years. Or else I have more tools to work with. Or both.

I don't quite know how to explain this. There is a state I get into that I am struggling to understand. I spent much of today there and paying attention to what was going on in my mind and body, but I'm still not quite getting it. This state is triggered by intense dread of something I can't do anything about, though I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm dreading. I have the sense it comes from some very early situation(s) where I was helpless and could neither run away nor count on anyone to take care of me. There are some things I don't know how to describe so I'll leave it at that.

I close down everything possible short of actually falling asleep. Stop eating, stop drinking (sometimes for days at a time, but it's not that bad this time), stop responding to anything around me, get into a protected space (in this case bed, but it could be under furniture), and curl into a tight ball, tense, not moving a muscle for hours at a time, breathing shallowly. Moving at all feels unsafe. My senses are alert but I withdraw from participating in the world. It feels very important to protect my hands and feet. There is a sense of being under attack and unable to do anything about it. There is some sensory stuff along with it, sensations and images that I am having trouble believing as literal, so for now I'm just observing and withholding judgement.

I've been reading everything I can find about the freeze response, but it doesn't quite fit. I lay there using all the tools I could think of to work on it, and obviously came out of it enough that I am now up and sitting at the computer, but I am sitting here curled in on myself, afraid to go to bed and relax. Afraid to fall asleep. Every muscle is tense.

If I'm making any sense at all, does anyone know what this is?

 

[Senecia]

I've been feeling similar. These past few nights I've been afraid to go to sleep and of the dark, so I've been leaving the light on. The moment I hear one of "my" sounds I do this weird triple take motion and can't decide what to do. I freeze, most times, then make my decision... Kinda. I do feel under attack, in a sense. I feel very exposed. Last night I heard a sound outside while I was sleeping and I jolted awake and pulled myself all the way under the covers like when I was 5. Heart was racing, all hypervigilant, didn't fall back asleep for another hour or so. Time felt very slow.

Now that I'm writing it, its very different than what you said. I guess when I look at what you wrote, you're just trying to defend yourself in a sense. That's just my view... I hope someone else here has better insight.

 

[sun seeker]

That does sound like a freeze response you are describing Senecia. Not that I'm an expert! The common point is the feeling of being exposed but otherwise yes, it's a different phenomenon.

 

[Casper1018]

I feel like your post could have been written by me. I wish I could offer advice, but I am really struggling right now myself. Looking forward to any advice other members might have. Take care and stay safe.

 

[sun seeker]

I tried sleeping curled up under the piano, but it didn't work very well, so I'm back here. I feel/see being kicked repeatedly in the stomach. Sorry you are having a rough time as well Casper.

 

[sun seeker]

I was like this for two months once, only participating in the world (things like eating a few bites, keeping the house warm) enough to hold body and soul together. It's like agoraphobia to the nth degree. I get afraid even to go upstairs in my house. Afraid to stretch out my arms and legs. Walking bent over. The imagery is new though, so it's progress.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I am so sorry that you have and are experiencing that much fear and it sounds like a protective mechanism, a bit like the brace position, where everything is tense and still, trying to protect yourself from being hurt by anything. I identify with the shutting down, like not moving and not speaking or anything for a while, but it sounds like it must be really tough that this lasts. From what you say, it's something that developed as a response to something quite early for you so it makes sense that it involves curling up in a small space and shutting down away from the world. Regarding dread, I personally HATE having that sense of dread and impending doom about something that I don't know what it is!!! For me, the unknown side of it makes it scary and confusing on top of feeling dread which either triggers a panic attack, or I zone out completely still for a while. I suppose they are all safety mechanisms that might not be super helpful now even though they have served a purpose before.

By the way, I don't presume to know anything about your specific situation and I'm not intending to tell you what you're experiencing, I'm only using my own experience and understanding to see if it makes sense to you. :)

 

[greenleaf]

I might be sort of sticking a toe into a feeling sort of like this at times, but am still pushing it away pretty firmly.. Perhaps, try to treat yourself the way you'd treat a child you were near, doing this?

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi @sun seeker
I have a lot of parallel experiences...the images come with the body senses these days. Hard to believe...but...hard not to believe too.

One of the things that has helped me most is doing very large mindful movement. It is quite difficult to do when I'm stuck in curl up mode, but I've been practicing when that mode isn't terribly intense. I stand and make myself as big as possible--arms and legs wide open, breathing deep. If I can get myself to make noise, I do. It helps me when I can focus on something outside...there's a tree outside my window I like to look at when I do this. The idea is to feel my feet on the floor right now and know they're mine...feel my body as taking up 3-D space in the present (oddly difficult) and feel it from the inside out (not "seeing it" but feeling it. And then I move mindfully...if I get a bit of body memory that makes me twist, I go with the twist...make it bigger, show myself I am present in this body today. It actually all does help calm some of the panic/freeze energy.

When I'm in curl-up mode and aware, I also try to do mindful movement, but in a much smaller way...tiny movements. Even opening my eyes and focusing on something (not the dissociated glaze). Stretching my fingers out, or my toes. If I can stay with it, stay grounded, sometimes I can then move into larger movements and the energy shifts.

It's all about a balance of listening to what your parts are trying to tell you through your body and your images and your feelings, but not getting overwhelmed by them so much that they shut you down. It is a really hard practice, and I battle it scores of times every day. It is getting better though.

I am wishing you well. Hope the practical advice works for you as it has for me. Always worth trying something!

 

[Chava]

I might not be able to explain this well, but my therapist describes a freeze as a sort of intense competition of urges, so they cancel each other out (but for very young kids it could also be like the animalistic "play dead" since they don't have many options). An example of competing urges would be WANTING to move and also wanting to stay very still....like wanting to run but not wanting to be noticed. Actually, this is also why animals freeze....so as to not draw attention to themselves if a predator is nearby. They still have that surge of adrenaline...once the threat passes, they often leap or shake or run off the excess energy. We don't really do that...it just gets stuck.

I'm rambling. I guess it helps me to notice what very primal response exists beneath a freeze. For me it sometimes is competing response. One example: wanting to connect to an adult or someone who can help me but being so extremely afraid that I just shake. Yes, oddly movement can be a freeze if it's useless movement without any direction. I have more shaking freezes than shaking releases lately. My therapist helps me try to separate these...like push away, or pull in and protect my head, or reach for support....doing one deliberately then the other, so they aren't glued together.

Other times it feels very dead frozen...the stay mute, stay still, don't be seen, protect your tummy and vital parts. I don't move my eyes or focus on anything, but my hearing becomes really sharp. Curling up in a tiny warm room does help it pass. Or it it's accompanied by pain and I'm feeling trapped and immobilized, I get myself out for a walk...reminds my body where I'm at, that I'm mobile, not trapped, and not even frozen. So mainly I don't stay with this stuff much on my own anymore. I've found ways to pull out of it. But in therapy I can work on those states and pull apart the original safety needs and meanings.

I'm still rambling, but it feels protective for you and that you stay in this state for a long time, is there anything you can do to feel even more protected? Imagine a big friendly animal at your side who can let you rest because it will attack for you? Wrap yourself in a blanket? Sometimes I hold onto a pocket knife (not an open blade) but I'm not actually recommending that. Sometimes I've just had to really let myself feel protected for a short while so I don't fight against it all day...that seems connected to dread for me..

 

[Born to Run]

The book 'In an Unspoken Voice; How the body releases trauma and restores goodness' by Peter Levine, Chapter 4 & 5 describe what you are dealing with. What you describe is indeed a freeze reaction, also called tonic immobility. If your system will allow it, the only way to release it, is not to avoid, but to go into contact with it. In the presence of your therapist would be safest, if they are knowledgeable of somatic experiencing. At first it is scary, but it is nothing to be scared of nothing will happen to you. The freeze is the last resort if fight/flight is impossible, which for children usually is the case. I have had to go through freeze response countless times during therapy, and it takes patience, basically it is very boring to go through, but it is the only way. I have only been able to go through a freeze cycle with my therapist present, as the freeze is basically a quite vulnerable position. Someone needs to be there to provide the safety net, as you go totally numb. I understand you protect your hands and feet as those are the bodily means to fight/flight which is what you had to suppress. Fight with hands, flight with feet. It is in fact mammal biology, it is just that we humans get stuck in the responses, as we -have to- suppress them. To release all it takes is the completion of the suppressed response, that is all your body wants you to do to heal yourself. I hope this can help you a bit further.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I feel a kinship to this, certainly. It feel so automatic, and that's where my frustration always comes from: understanding the disparity between my actions and the current environment, although I know that i'm reacting to the past and not the present. I have nothing to offer, really, other than sympathy and empathy. Sometimes, I curl up in my bed, head under the covers and all, and try to wait it out. If I'm lucky, I'll fall asleep, and usually I'm reset at least into a somewhat normal state when I wake up. Maybe a strategy to try?