Friend Constantly Has To Out-do Me

[NicG]

So I have a friend who has recently been diagnosed as Borderline. She has anxiety issues and panic attacks too but... hers a different to mine. Hers happen because of things she did with men that she completely consented to, and were generally normal (so random hookups etc). Plus ALL of my friends, including me, were warning her at the time that she'd live to regret it one day.

MY panic attacks are the result of repeated violent sexual assault. None of it was my fault! I forget where I am, who I am, what year it is... total flashbacks sometimes. I've had depression for a long time and often when our friends have issues with mental health stuff they come to me, since I at least generally get where they're coming from. Annoyingly, every time we're in a group together (which is frequently) and someone raises mental health issues, or even I start talking about how I'm going with PTSD and depression, she talks over me, louder than me, has to know more than me and have more experience than me. And has to talk about how she's going instead of letting me voice how I am for a change.

I think the worst moments are when I try to open up about how sexual assault has affected me, and she just talks over me about how her consented hookups affect her, OR just about what she's done with these guys (she sounds really proud of it most of the time!!). Once she messaged me saying she wished she'd done stuff with these guys in her room so she could have a panic attack instead of cleaning it! (Not exactly the most respectful/sensitive thing to say to a PTSD sufferer!!!!!)

What do I do with this?? What is with this need for attention? That she'd completely block out one of her so called "best friends" needs?? Do I try to talk to her about it or do I just avoid her, do I try to voice my own thoughts and feelings when she's around or completely avoid it? Seems unfair if I have to hide myself from my close friends just because she's around... Help!!

 

[Elizabeth Rose]

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I have had a couple of very close friends like that in the past. Very frustrating, to say the least.

The best that I came up with is that it has nothing to do with you or me. People with borderline personality have a very low self-worth and they look for affirmation in any way they can. Knowing more than us makes them feel better about themselves. Interrupting you when you are sharing about how you are doing, is her way of looking for attention (pity).

Everyone deserves to have a friend so major props to you if you can get past this! Just be very careful that this friendship doesn't interfere with your mental health.

As far as communicating your concerns with her, I would just recommend to choose your words very carefully as you are not dealing with someone who is one hundred percent rational.

Good Luck

 

[Deleted member 1860]

With friends like that, who needs enemies?!?

I'm a bit more picky with my friend selection so I would cut this one loose.

I doubt she has true "panic attacks" as anyone who has had one knows how horrible they are and doesn't ask for one as to avoid cleaning. Maybe she has anxiety, but I have a feeling the rest is exaggerated.

Yeah, everyone needs a friend but that doesn't mean she can treat everyone like crap. I'd cut this borderline loose.

 

[atthree]

I think it's in our nature to nurture the borderline's. Reading this forum I learn so much of my own behavior.

I forgive the guy a lot he's the same way. He just needs someone to listen about is interest. I simply accept it's a one way street, but I made it clear I'm not going to be taking any abuse.

Forgiving to me is so therapeutic.

 

[Barconian]

Growwwl @Solara :D You don't have a lot patience with sooks, do you?

@NicG I am happy to inform you that you have more self esteem than your friend :) She is doing it because she is a scaredy cat and needs attention. You worry only about your life and treat her with the respect that she deserves!

 

[NicG]

Thanks everybody!! I guess it's comforting to know that I'm doing better than her on the self-esteem scale... kind of. And that it's not about me. I mean I don't need to seek attention like that. And while I can forgive to a point it's good to know that there's no way to excuse her treating me like crap! @Barconian you make a good point about the respect thing!!

@Solara I think I'm going to distance myself from her quite a bit for a little while. I shouldn't have to handle it the way I have been. You think she's exaggerating, though? To be honest I thought that, after the "wishing she had a panic attack" comment, because mine often leave me exhausted and overreactive for a few days afterwards. I'd clean several houses before wishing them on myself. I just felt a little bad about it because I don't want to minimise anyones suffering. But I've fallen for people lying about their pain before. Thanks for validating my instincts :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Barconian,
Nope, not much patience for people like this. I've known two and both were difficult relationships. They were both incapable of empathy or caring toward me and the constant need for attention was draining to say the least. I ended up realizing that I was doing a whole lot of giving and very little receiving in terms of actual friendship.

@NicG,
She does a lot of other things for attention, so I wouldn't doubt that she exaggerates her symptoms for attention as well. I just get that feeling. I mean most people with true medical issues don't wish to have an "episode" or serious spike in symptoms just to get out of cleaning their room. That's just my take on this though.

How close is she to you? I had one friend who was always outdoing me and whenever I would disclose something personal I would get an enthusiastic "me too!!" It was draining to say the least. She told me she was diagnosed as borderline, and if you dared avert attention from her, let's just say it wasn't pretty.

 

[NicG]

@Solara that's definitely true. You wouldn't hear about someone with epilepsy wanting an episode so they could avoid something they didn't feel like doing. She's quite close with me and most of my best friends but I spoke to a few of them and they're pretty over it too. After paying a bit more attention she seems to just use "panic attacks" as an excuse for not doing things for people/when she wants to bail on an event to do something more interesting. I've never seen her have one.

And yeah, those people who apparently experience everything that you do! The "me too!!" thing can be understanding and helpful, like on this forum... but only when that person actually gets where you're coming from. And when it doesn't divert much needed attention away from you. Someone else always tells me "i know what you mean" to EVERYTHING. "I just feel so dirty from my trauma..." "I know what you mean..." no you don't, dude. It's seriously exhausting to talk to people like that. You're helping me realise that it's probably not worth it! Thanks for being so helpful :)