Friend Has Ptsd But I'm Frustrated With The Self-pity

[Omowat]

My friend went through a traumatic experience just under two years ago. She is now seeing a psychologist which is great. But it has brought up some childhood trauma which she also needs to deal with on top of her PTSD.

I try my best to understand what she is going through and to be supportive but sometimes it seems like she often wants to wallow in self-pity. She keeps bringing things up which make her unhappy and gives reasons why she has chosen not to do anything about them (because she's not ready to deal with them or it's not within her current capacity to do anything about them at this stage), reasons which I respect. But the thing that frustrates me is that our conversations then go on to centre around her complaining about these same things even though it was her decision to leave these things as they are. Often, she takes it one step further and acts like her decisions had nothing to do with why these things continue to cause her so much unhappiness.

Maybe I'm wrong in assuming this, but I've assumed that if there's something causing unhappiness in life you sort of expect it to continue causing unhappiness until you choose to take the time and effort to begin dealing with it and doing something about it.

So as a friend I didn't feel right to continue having these circular conversations with her -it felt unhelpful and disrespectful to her to continue participating in these conversations. I expressed that to her. I told her I was happy to talk about things, but I wouldn't take part in conversations where she was feeling sorry for herself.

There was a bit of back and forth after this then she brought up some terrible things that someone had done to her in the past -truly shocking things -to the point where she was terrified and moved countries. But I was equally confused as I know she continues to maintain a relationship with this person. She explained that she had almost lost this person through illness which is why she wanted to maintain this relationship. I didn't and don't agree with the decision but I respect it.

But at various times she continues to bring up all the horrible things this person has done and continues to do to her. I'm struggling to understand why she does this. She knows what this person is like but has chosen to carry on with this relationship. She doesn't accept this person for who they are and doesn't accept what they do but continues this relationship and then complains to me about it.

It's like she wants me to feel sorry for her.

Maybe I'm a horrible person for doing this but I told her I didn't feel sorry for her. I'm deeply saddened and shocked by what she has had to endure from this person but I don't feel sorry for the situation she has continued to put herself in by continuing this relationship.

I feel that commiserating with her will encourage her to continue.

She has since asked me to stop speaking to her. I still feel like this was the right thing to do as her friend. But I would like to get some insight and different perspectives on the situation from other PTSD sufferers and supporters in case I'm really missing the mark on this.

 

[Izop]

Personally, as a PTSD sufferer, I think you did do the right thing, as long as you were calm in explaining your thinking to her. And yeah, you would have been enabling her if you had just let her complain and said nothing. I went through a phase like this when I was newly diagnosed and I'm sure I was awful to be around -- and I will be the first to admit that I really did want to just feel sorry for myself. At the time, I didn't see things so clearly and didn't realize what I was doing, but in retrospect, I wish someone had been firm with me about it. Not sure I would've listened, but still. The thing is, she has to come around on her own and realize that what she's doing is unhealthy and counterproductive. So while it's good that you did what you did, and I think it was the right thing, I don't think there's any easy solution right now to the friendship. I think you'll have to wait until she's snapped out of it, and that may take a while.

 

[Niguc]

Ok, where to begin. Firstly, I have to strongly disagree with the poster above me.

You did what you felt was right from the perspective of someone who has never experienced PTSD themselves. Sometimes the more you talk about a situation, even if it doesn't seem productive, is very beneficial. The more you talk about it, the more desensitised you become. Also having someone to be a sounding board helps you problem solve.

But at various times she continues to bring up all the horrible things this person has done and continues to do to her. I'm struggling to understand why she does this. She knows what this person is like but has chosen to carry on with this relationship. She doesn't accept this person for who they are and doesn't accept what they do but continues this relationship and then complains to me about it.

I am completely guilty of this. It isn't for sympathy though. It is because I am trying to make sense of things and figure out how to become stronger. It is not something easily explained to someone who has never been in that situation.

Knowing that you have support is crucial. However, it is completely healthy for the supporter to put up boundaries.

 

[Epake]

Your friend is stuck in victim mode I think.

This is perfectly normal I think.
I can be a professional victim if I'm left unchecked for too long, so regardless of how she may react now, you have also helped her without realising it.

Impossible for someone who hasn't lived through trauma to comprehend some of the dumb strategies we employ to survive.
Its possible your friend is continuing to expose herself to this abuser out of comfort.
Yeah, I know. Illogical. Welcome to PTSD!
Often our own worst enemies I think.

Your friend is lucky to have you. Dont give up on her yet, but even if for no more than just your own sake, continue pointing out the behaviours you disagree with.

It could help her someday, but if it does not at least you will know you have tried.
As well as maintaining your own moral integrity.

Some of my hardest fought and most successful wins have come off the back of a well meaning loved one who just gave up and called it how he sees it.
Not that he was given credit for it to begin with mind you ;)

 

[Omowat]

Personally, as a PTSD sufferer, I think you did do the right thing, as long as you were calm in explaining your thinking...

Thank you for taking the time to write this honest reply. It felt like it was the right thing to do as her friend but I also feel like I don't understand or know about PTSD enough to know if what I did was counterproductive to her treatment.

Your reply has given me some relief that what I've said didn't do her harm.

I don't take her request to stop contact personally. I know it's the illness talking. She's a good friend and I'm happy to give her the space she needs to work this out in the way she needs to.

Thank you for sharing your insight.

 

[Upov]

I am anonymous?! How did I do that?
What happening to me myptsd? Do you not KNOW I already struggle with identity issues?

Now my name is Epake and I don't even know what that means.

Cries.

 

[Ahehu]

This thread is in the anonymous part of the forum so will automatically anonymise your user name. Don't worry, if you post anywhere else, you're profile will appear as normal. It's a bit of a fright though if you don't realise where the thread is located in "anonymous" and just see your identity change.

 

[Ide]

Btw the above post is by @Suzetig who also forgot she too would be anonymous on this thread :rolleyes:

 

[Nutolad]

This thread is in the anonymous part of the forum so will automatically anonymise your user name. Don't worry, if you po...

Oh thank you @Suzetig.
I didn't know if id been hacked, been banned from posting as me or had just taken on a new persona.
Paranoid? Me? What makes you say that? Why you wanna know?

Sorry to the OP, i didn't mean to hijack your thread, i was just frightened i lost Mary for a minute. (not such a tragic loss)

 

[Omowat]

The more you talk about it, the more desensitised you become

I never saw it that way. Thanks for sharing that perspective.

 

[Omowat]

Oh thank you @Suzetig.
I didn't know if id been hacked, been banned from posting as me or had just...

No probs. I too wondered why I was posting as Omowat but I'm new here so thought it was a system quirk

 

[Omowat]

Impossible for someone who hasn't lived through trauma to comprehend some of the dumb strategies we employ to survive.

Thanks for this. Will definitely keep this in mind going forward

Some of my hardest fought and most successful wins have come off the back of a well meaning loved one who just gave up and called it how he sees it.

That's encouraging to hear. Thank you.