Hi. I'm having a difficult time right now and came across this post... just reaching out. I have a friend (term used loosely as I would define our relationship as much more complicated and involved than that), who recently came back from a long tour in Afghanistan. We have a really unique relationship that some may describe as a complicated mess, but there's an undeniable love we have for each other. Whether that's a romantic love or just an incredibly deep connection, neither of us are clear on.
All of that aside, as I mentioned - he just came back from an extended tour in Afghanistan. He's been back just a few months and I guess I was somewhat expecting things to be really amazing and exciting because he is back safely. I see how naive I was. I expected having a great time with my best friend, welcoming him home, living life to the fullest like we typically do and potentially having the opportunity to explore "us" further if we decided to. When I saw him go into a deep depression when he was on leave, I became really concerned but in all of the reading I've been doing, it says this is all normal for when a soldier comes home and not to push too hard because it can easily overwhelm them. I experienced it first hand (the anger, frustration and deep depression) which threw me off because he's not typically like that. It was hard not to take some of it personally because some was directed towards me and I was unsuccessful in not feeling hurt by all of it.
The problem I am facing is that he has this wonderful ability to let me in to his world - to let me see his most vulnerable self and to be open and honest with me. But then he has this frustrating and difficult part of himself where he has the ability to shut me out. When I used to be the only one he's let in, I now feel like I'm the only one he is shutting out. It goes in this roller coaster fashion... he lets me in when he wants and he shuts me out when he wants... he's in complete control of that. I recognize I can't control what he does or does not do - I don't even want that... but it's hard not to take it personal. It gets to a point like where I'm at today where I actually start to question myself... I lose confidence in our relationship as friends because I wonder how he can treat me like this. I have to remind myself over and over that it's not about me. And I come to this place where I remind myself that he's pushing me away because he cares about me and it's too hard for him... but then I wonder if I am just feeding myself a bunch of crap to justify his actions. I've never felt so non-confident! So it's confusing and I feel an overwhelming stress/worry for him, a sadness because I miss him and a complete confusion on what I should do to help him through this. I want to be there for him... but I also know I have to make sure I'm taking care of myself as well.
I feel with everything in me that this is not the time for me to walk away from him - if he ever needed someone to be there, it's now. But I also recognize that it's unhealthy for me to hold back in my own life, holding on to hope that something will shift for him and he'll be able to let me into his life in the way that would be satisfying for both of us. I'm okay with giving this some time so I can observe what is really going on and I do have a time frame for how long I'm willing to ride the roller coaster before I have to make a decision solely for myself. But in the meantime, I'm just trying to reach out for support or guidance on how to successfully deal with being in this situation... I recognize that pushing him too much could actually be detrimental and do more harm than good... sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I'm just not sure how to navigate this.
Any support/guidance would be so much appreciated.
All of that aside, as I mentioned - he just came back from an extended tour in Afghanistan. He's been back just a few months and I guess I was somewhat expecting things to be really amazing and exciting because he is back safely. I see how naive I was. I expected having a great time with my best friend, welcoming him home, living life to the fullest like we typically do and potentially having the opportunity to explore "us" further if we decided to. When I saw him go into a deep depression when he was on leave, I became really concerned but in all of the reading I've been doing, it says this is all normal for when a soldier comes home and not to push too hard because it can easily overwhelm them. I experienced it first hand (the anger, frustration and deep depression) which threw me off because he's not typically like that. It was hard not to take some of it personally because some was directed towards me and I was unsuccessful in not feeling hurt by all of it.
The problem I am facing is that he has this wonderful ability to let me in to his world - to let me see his most vulnerable self and to be open and honest with me. But then he has this frustrating and difficult part of himself where he has the ability to shut me out. When I used to be the only one he's let in, I now feel like I'm the only one he is shutting out. It goes in this roller coaster fashion... he lets me in when he wants and he shuts me out when he wants... he's in complete control of that. I recognize I can't control what he does or does not do - I don't even want that... but it's hard not to take it personal. It gets to a point like where I'm at today where I actually start to question myself... I lose confidence in our relationship as friends because I wonder how he can treat me like this. I have to remind myself over and over that it's not about me. And I come to this place where I remind myself that he's pushing me away because he cares about me and it's too hard for him... but then I wonder if I am just feeding myself a bunch of crap to justify his actions. I've never felt so non-confident! So it's confusing and I feel an overwhelming stress/worry for him, a sadness because I miss him and a complete confusion on what I should do to help him through this. I want to be there for him... but I also know I have to make sure I'm taking care of myself as well.
I feel with everything in me that this is not the time for me to walk away from him - if he ever needed someone to be there, it's now. But I also recognize that it's unhealthy for me to hold back in my own life, holding on to hope that something will shift for him and he'll be able to let me into his life in the way that would be satisfying for both of us. I'm okay with giving this some time so I can observe what is really going on and I do have a time frame for how long I'm willing to ride the roller coaster before I have to make a decision solely for myself. But in the meantime, I'm just trying to reach out for support or guidance on how to successfully deal with being in this situation... I recognize that pushing him too much could actually be detrimental and do more harm than good... sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I'm just not sure how to navigate this.
Any support/guidance would be so much appreciated.
