Friendships...

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi,

MyPTSD fossil here, making a comeback.

I want to talk friendships. Specifically, a friendship I had and a friendship I might (not) have.

Friendship 1 was mainly only called so by me. This guy stood by me for six years, although in all six years he also managed to never take initiative in anything. By "stood by me", I mean he would respond to me when I needed him, but he would never, ever seek contact with me on his own. In his perspective, I was not a close friend. More a peripheral friend. This summer I terminated this so called "friendship" simply because I am not interested in this game anymore.

Friendship 2 is a guy I met this summer and who struck me as being very authentic. From the start I told him that I´d like to get to know him, and he said he´d like that as well. We settled on meeting sometime and having a few beers. However the same old pattern appears to be developing that I had in friendship 1. This second dude never reaches out to me on his own. Moreover countless plans to do something have stranded in nothing.

I have healthy friendships, and they are not like this. What´s different is I don´t care (as much) what their plans are, I trust them, and I also trust that they come by when they feel like it (which they do). I know I can depend on them to just roam around on their own and they will ask me how I´m doing and ask if they can visit by their own initiative.

Clearly Friendship 1 and Friendship 2 aren´t working. But in both cases I have (had) a very hard time disconnecting myself from these people. In both cases they are very sweet and reliable people generally but when it comes to their own social circles, they only seem to have space for perhaps three people or so, and I am not one of them.

So I am not sure what to do about the 2nd Friendship thing.

What are your thoughts?

 

[grit]

HI Radical Rad,

This is an interesting post. You seem not to care but yet you cannt let them go! I sensed and I could be wrong, that you are feeling rejected by them. They are not jumping to see you nor include you in their close circle and yet you are staying in the "peripheral" so the core question you need to answer or explore in therapy is why are you allowing yourself to stay around and off the gate of connection to these two men?

Are you single? I asked that because maybe you are casting them the role of b/f or something and they are not taking the bait and this is becoming a "game" only because you are not transparent or as aware as you may think.

I also sensed that you do not know them. I mean truly. I think after 6 years if a person is not allowing you in their life, there is something quite amiss and if you are seeing a pattern in your life, this is really a great time to keep asking why you doing this until you get to the source of the wound alone or with a therapy.

One thing I learned in life is that no one likes to be used so if these two men view you as you call when you need something. They are probably also getting something out of you (whatever that might be could be simple association with you - like we are friends of Radical Rad can be prestige in some circles) or something else but they are also keeping you in the loop for a reason. So both of you are on the fence for any intimacy or real connection.

I would advise before you dumped them, maybe (depending if you feel safe) risk of being vulnerable and ask them what you need from them and let them either close the door for good or maybe your vulnerability will beget vulnerability on their side and the stand off of intimacy is broken.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi Grit,

Thanks for your honesty.

I don´t think my interaction with either guys is as damaging as I think it came across to you.

For example, nobody is being used. Both guys have said I am welcome to call them when there´s something wrong, and enjoy helping me out (I can tell when somebody is glad they made a difference). Both would approach me at a party (we are frequently at the same parties together) and sit with me a while and have a few drinks together.

I know the first guy well, over the past six years I´ve been to visit with him often and we always had a good time/played games/caught up, but as I said, all on my initiative.

I´m single, but more heterosexual than gay, and dating women.
The attraction I do feel and have felt for them is mostly platonic.

Maybe this paints a better picture.

 

[grit]

They sound more acquaintances than friends to me. What is the problem? it seems like you want something from them that you are not getting. Can you just accept them they are in your circle and not particularly close to you?
I find that whenever I am over focused people in my life, there is something I need to work on myself - like they are deflection of an issue.

It feels you are circling something and it will come to you in due time.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Can you just accept them they are in your circle and not particularly close to you?

I´m working on it :D
And yes, they are a deflection. I am aware of this - absolutely not the first time I´ve encountered similar situations.