This will be a long post . A little history. I'm the oldest of two. My parents divorced when I was 16. My dad was a cop and had numerous affairs and when my parents fought there was name calling , cussing ect. After high school I was engaged and the relationship ended with her cheating twice. So needless to say when I met my wife I was damaged.
I talked to my wife online for a month or so before she asked me to dinner. We hit it off and I was amazed by her instantly. Over the next few months there was jealously on my end because of having to deal with ex boyfriends ect. So when we fought I would argue and fight the only way I ever saw ...... by cussing and name calling ect. I was really angry about some things I should of let go but our marriage was like this the first seven years . It took me getting involved in my church then seeing my pastor then a counciler at work to counciling on a regular basis. The worst part is I can't change who I was or what I said.
I have failed my beautiful wife miserably. Its been two going on three years since i was that way and im seeing a counciler and she is seeing one. I just dont know if we will ever be the way we were and if I will ever be able to move past who I was. The worst pain is knowing you hurt someone who only wanted to love you. I was so stupid and jealous and angry that I was oblivious to the fact I had the most unique woman in the world and instead I verbally broke her down.
In hind sight I wish she had of left me when this started because deserved so much more or I didn't make it when we were involved in a head on collision with a drunk driver in 2003 that way she wouldn't of went through what she did. She has been diagnosed with complex ptsd . ( thanks to her abusive alcoholic father and myself ) There is no intimacy at all now and I almost feel like we are living as friends . if we make it or not is something I will have to deal with because I stacked the deck by being a horrible husband the first seven years. I just want her to be able to be happy again even if it means not with me or with someone else.
I talked to my wife online for a month or so before she asked me to dinner. We hit it off and I was amazed by her instantly. Over the next few months there was jealously on my end because of having to deal with ex boyfriends ect. So when we fought I would argue and fight the only way I ever saw ...... by cussing and name calling ect. I was really angry about some things I should of let go but our marriage was like this the first seven years . It took me getting involved in my church then seeing my pastor then a counciler at work to counciling on a regular basis. The worst part is I can't change who I was or what I said.
I have failed my beautiful wife miserably. Its been two going on three years since i was that way and im seeing a counciler and she is seeing one. I just dont know if we will ever be the way we were and if I will ever be able to move past who I was. The worst pain is knowing you hurt someone who only wanted to love you. I was so stupid and jealous and angry that I was oblivious to the fact I had the most unique woman in the world and instead I verbally broke her down.
In hind sight I wish she had of left me when this started because deserved so much more or I didn't make it when we were involved in a head on collision with a drunk driver in 2003 that way she wouldn't of went through what she did. She has been diagnosed with complex ptsd . ( thanks to her abusive alcoholic father and myself ) There is no intimacy at all now and I almost feel like we are living as friends . if we make it or not is something I will have to deal with because I stacked the deck by being a horrible husband the first seven years. I just want her to be able to be happy again even if it means not with me or with someone else.
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