Frustrated with friend’s obsession

[Justmehere]

YES! That's it. I can do that. :) Thanks, my fried brain just could not find the words.

 

[whiteraven]

YES! That's it. I can do that. :) Thanks, my fried brain just could not find the words.

Thinking this will definitely help *you*, but don't be surprised if he doesn't respond as you'd like. The boundary is yours to make and it might mean that you will have to disengage for a while. I know how your friend feels and why he behaves the way he does and I also know that simply telling me never worked. It made things worse. Not saying that so you'll feel bad, just sharing my own experience. When you are *that* depressed being told how you are acting doesn't really make you change - it might make you want to change, but that's different - it rather comes across as being schooled.

It’s not the depression that bothers me but the obsession with marriage and the failing to ever talk of something else anymore.

Except...the depression is likely entangled with the rest, don't you think?

But if they can see and verbalize all the problems, they can be encouraged to find solutions.

Sometimes people get stuck.

I don't want him to stop reaching out but to honor that I really want to speak of other things,

You're in a really tough position and I applaud you for trying to work through this. He may not, though, be able to focus on anything other than what he's thinking and feeling.

It's devastating to be stuck to the point where no one seems to understand. Talking is sometimes the only thing you think will get you unstuck. It doesn't; it only drives you deeper (because, in fact, it only turns people off), but until that one thing happens that really opens your eyes to what really is, to how you are coming across to people, nothing will change. Maybe what you say to your friend will be that "click" he needs to see. But maybe not.

 

[Justmehere]

The conversation went over very well about marriage. He made that shift super well. I am surprised. I forgot the obsessing about depression. Oops. It's been a new torrent of "I am struggling. In bed crying. God help us all." texts and if we talk, it's all about "this pain is too great. I am in bed crying."

He went back to the depression obsession, and I texted, out of curiosity, "Did your doctor and therapist give other options to find relief from the pain other than staying in bed all day?"

Radio silence for a bit. He's got the ability to set and keep boundaries. He can tell me talking about treatment is off the table.

Then the next day, it all happened again, so I repeated the question again. Same pattern. Only this time he explained the long list of treatment options he was refusing because he isn't that depressed. Riiiight. Ok dude. Do you read what you write?! (I didn't say that.)

Today he texted again, same things about wanting life to end and he is so depressed and now can't sleep and the depression itself means it's hopeless... so I replied, "I mean I hear ya. You are really dealing with a lot. I can't just watch you torture yourself anymore. If you want to talk, we gotta learn to shift to other subjects for a few weeks. Lunch? What did you have for lunch today?"

He had eaten nothing but got lunch and got out the door after that.

I think it's going to be a process for me to learn to keep this boundary down well, but I think I'm on my way to changing how I handle it. :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

That is great! I have never successfully done this but now I have a template. I have a new friend who talks about how bad her health is all the time! I will use this tactic since we share a love of homesteading.