Full Of Fear, Fury And Self-hatred

[macca]

I saw my therapist today. She suggested we increase the frequency of sessions from fortnightly to weekly, at least for now (money is an issue for me). I did end up telling her about the self-harm, despite the shame and distress attached to it, and though I got upset, I was ok. I have trouble looking her in the eyes though. We worked on the self-harm stuff, so hopefully I might start getting a handle on it, though I suspect it's going to take a long time, seeing as I've been doing this for decades (but not as serious or frequent as it has been just recently). In case it's helpful for any of you, she suggested that my reactions are suggestive of someone who was threatened not to tell as a child, though we'll never know for sure. Also that since nobody was emotionally available to me growing up, that I never learned to comfort myself, and that my punisher self might actually be trying to protect my vulnerable self, both from the threat of harm from telling someone, and from the hurt when no-one is interested in my distress. You guys are awesome, it's healing for me to reach out and receive care in return, when I really don't want to risk doing that in person.

 

[Jane.l]

You are doing really well - to make yourself go to therapy when you want to run away from it is hard and you did it.

You admitted some tough stuff to your T and sounds like she is good.
Excellent idea to see each other more often. It helps to stay connected.

And you have been able to take in what she told you, which is impressive . I have been told some of those reasons for self harm too and it kind of makes sense doesn't it .

Have my appointment later, feeling really nervous, think its going to be a tough one .

 

[Abstract]

when I really don't want to risk doing that in person.

It's a bit easier isn't it? I see it as taking baby steps towards being able to do things in realtime. Well done for going and speaking about this and thanks for sharing what said.

 

[reallydown]

Macca, I admire your strength in going to your therapist and not running away! Way to go. It's a tough road with many ups and downs but it's good that you are taking steps to deal with this. Hang in there.