Hello, I feel you, I think depression and suicidal thoughts started for me in the first lockdown of 2020 because of my poor choice to try and online date after finding a girl I liked on Roblox, I was 15. I ended up offending one of her (boy) friends and she decided to block me and try to get with him which she regretted after a week. If I remember correctly she agreed to be my girlfriend on Discord before this happened but the very next morning when I opened the app she said she liked me and everything but only as a friend probably. That’s fine by me, but the week during which after the block I was hanging out online on Roblox with this American girl that I’m friends with and her boyfriend at the time, also joining me was her Romanian ‘ex-boyfriend’ who I’m pretty good friends with online.
During that whole week I was seeking their company for comfort, we were always at some psychedelic bar game on Roblox with chill music, I listened to it sometimes, but mostly I was listening to sad, romantic synthesised electronic music while thinking of that British girl who had blocked me. After she unblocked me we become friends again but the pain lingered, I still had feelings for her but I believed that it wasn’t mutual, I also even kept the feelings of depression and resentment which were created by that 1 week in front of the computer.
I don’t know why I didn’t seek help from family or talk to them about it, perhaps I was too embarrassed. I also manipulated that American girl by convincing her that I was going to suicide by jumping off a bridge or drowning myself, something like that, whatever. I sacrificed my lockdown education just to spend time with that British girl, initially I was only on Roblox to have fun that first week school shut down then maybe I would have studied. Instead, I ended up spending all my time in a depression online and my teachers were calling my parents to say that no homework was being submitted yet they knew nothing what happened online and what it did to my head.
I went to summer school for a few days due to my mum forcing me there but it was just a basic recap of our studies before the first lockdown. I don’t really recall that summer of 2020 but it was probably depressing because in September after we all went back to school my best friend who I have known ever since we were 8 noticed that I was like f*cking depressed, at an all time low point in my life.
In 2021 or maybe before 2020 ended I probably told him what happened, I don’t remember the time frame. 2021 summer was good but I didn’t get the GCSE grades I wanted to get into A Levels - so I was stuck doing a vocational course with Maths which I’ve always struggled with until the summer of 2022 which is when my family finally managed to go back to our home country after lockdown. I was doing English language tuition before that as that was the grade I needed to get into A Levels so I got in with a 7 (A). That was good work I suppose but it didn’t matter as I’m not a 100% committed student, everyday I get back from home I don’t want to study, I just listened to music and played video games like Roblox.
During lockdown I was going to sleep at like 6-7am and waking up at 5-6pm. I usually sleep for as long as possible for depression. For some reason when I was a child I humped the mattress and other surfaces and I think I started developing some sexual thoughts as early as 10.
When I hit puberty I started humping the mattress while looking at sexual photos and material until I orgasmed I suppose. At 13 I started properly masturbating and its become into a daily compulsion to cope with life. I always wanted a girlfriend since around 12/13 but I never had the confidence with girls or people in general. At 15 that morale was completely shattered per se.
In 2023 I was diagnosed with Aspergers and anxiety disorder and put on antidepressants but I withdrew from them in late 2023 by my own volition due them making it hard for me to orgasm. While I was talking to a girl outside that I liked in the school court between the buildings my levels were shaking due to how f*cked my brain had become because I was anxious that other people were judging me by looking at me talking to her but in reality nobody probably cared. We made quick conversation but she went away from me because some student was protesting over the right to body drawings or something I can’t exactly remember accurately.
I don’t remember much from my early years but I’ve seen photos and videos from before I went to school. Primary school (ages 4-11) was definitely the best time of my life so far as despite going to school in London with a diverse environment, everyone at least regarded each other with dignity despite the childish antics which is just something apart of childhood.
I particularly enjoyed being apart of the local Scouts group with my Lithuanian childhood friends, we would attend the church which was right next door to the hall on Sundays sometimes. We would all go to rallies where we marched through the streets of East London with the police closing off the roads for us. My ‘best friend’ ever since age 8 was never apart of Scouts though.
One highlight is when I went to the Welsh border on some residential trip with my school, we went rafting, caving, we walked through some pitch black tunnel with no flashlights, those were good times. Unfortunately, times obviously change and we were headed for secondary school. I still remember on the first day of school where all the students came back some idiot ‘piggy-back’ rided me when he was older and heavier which immediately made me uncomfortable as I would leave Scouts later after some kid found it amusing to floor and pick fights with me for his own entertainment and those friends that I joined with left it. I think my cousin has autism as well because one summer I got into a huge fight with him and his family even though I consider myself to be a pacifist or a pussy, because back in primary school some English kid called Joshua was arrogant and full of himself, he bullied those he deemed inferior to him and his friends, ironically some of his friends probably came to my house which was right next to the primary school one weekend day asking me to come outside and play at the park right next to my house. My dad called me downstairs and I looked at them shyly and said no and rejected them which was a mistake as it only made me into a larger recluse. I found comfort playing games like Call of Duty Zombies on the Xbox 360 after I played it and became instantly hooked to it at my friends house.
I listened to a lot of music on my parents laptop and played a lot of flash player and MMO games like Binweevils as well. When I was 12 I was playing some club penguin private server and I actually managed to attract the ‘love’ of some girl from Arizona who was 18 but never happened because she asked if I could join a Skype call with her but obviously I was scared at the time. Around 12 years old is when I became obsessed with Hitler as well, I started watching the rallies and speeches on YouTube before they were all censored from it. I live action role played on Roblox as a German WWII soldier and in other war groups for several years and made good friends on there. But I deleted my old Discord account because of the shit that went down with that first British girl [name removed] but finalised the deleting after a night of drunk sexting with another girl named [name removed] , well I was sober but I probably manipulated her again due to my stupid virgin ass, confessing my love, hadah hadah, blah blah blah.
Anyways I created a new account which I’m going through the cycle of scheduling for deletion and reactivating it again as all of my online friends are on there and but I don’t voice or video call anymore. I used to laugh loud late at night due to the banter between our friendship between me, the Romanian guy and the American girl as well as an American guy, now that was internet at its finest. In my opinion around this time, computers and the internet are a mistake given the toxic relationships and bullshit that I’ve been through and experienced. Not to mention the degeneracy of criminality online, especially gore and porn.
[name removed] was watching school shooting videos and it pissed me off that she indulged in them and made the perpetrators her profile pictures on Discord which I detested. Can’t blame her though I was literally an online neo-Nazi with profile pictures of German political figures as well as other fascists. I believe that computers and the internet have largely ruined this generation and anyone else born around the millenium, my great grandmother is in her 90s now and has a hammer and sickle on her farm door and I look towards a simple life like that away from the cities where people are homeless and beg for £1 on the streets, especially London where I don’t live anymore by the way since 7 years now but all my childhood friends are still there; people packed into residential areas like sardines, apartments are particularly dystopian lol.
I’ve always had a fascination and an obsession with the Nazis since my teenage years even if I wasted them as a degenerate gooner/coomer or rather a f*cking loser who was like a Japanese shut in or recluse spending every living moment staring into the abyss of the computer screen’s radiation. I developed a fascination with astrophysics and mathematics even though I lack the foundations to pursue a career in that field, I didn’t get the grades so I couldn’t do the Advanced Levels of those subjects like in U.S high school classes I believe.
I don’t like smoking or alcohol but I love nature, I haven’t been a gym guy though and it got to the point where I didn’t eat at all due to depression that my stomach ached all the time and after an upper GI tract endoscopy I was diagnosed by the doctor with atrophic gastritis; I’ve always been constipating and people started to comment on me being skinny and bony after my body grew in puberty which made me even more insecure, self conscious and anxious, whatever.
I don’t think my A Level results/grades are going to be anything special as I didn’t 100% commit to them as I said before. I’ve been at home for like 3 weeks now doing pretty much nothing and still not eating enough I guess but still haven’t been able to stop masturbating constantly either which girls on the internet have ridiculed me for. Which is understandable, they all have managed to move on and find a boyfriend whereas I’m stuck as a loser and a loner. I dreamt of becoming a world leader, a king or a famous politician when I was 12 but perhaps those were all idealistic thoughts as some American online friend told me to take the personality test and I’m probably an INFP as I listening to and analysing music, especially creative writing, daydreaming and admiring the beauty of this world which has been corrupted by human complexity.
I’m truly the living embodiment of ‘for those who feel, life is a tragedy’. My behaviour and humour has always been seen by people at school as weird, hence why I made little friends. In fact, I probably spend more time talking to myself then with other people. I also dream of becoming a fighter pilot but my mum says I’m too warm-hearted and nice, too sensitive and weak to move in that direction. [name removed] who I met on Roblox in that war group introduced me to industrial, goth and and other dark, macabre music. Now most of my clothes are blue, black and white. But I don’t like that and I don’t want it to be that way.
I’ve wasted a lot of money online especially on Onlyfans models and Roblox when all I want is to be content with my life and feel like I’m actually living and experiencing life in the real, outside world. But clearly I’m too far down in the mental abyss and rabbit hole of degeneracy.
A man from my local church came by my parents’ home as I was heading home from the routine of taking the bus to college and back, we had a nice conversation and he gave me one of his bibles some months ago. I’ve tried to develop a closer connection to Jesus Christ and the holy angels and spirits and I saw the number 16:16 on the digital clock in my mum’s car almost everyday back when I was 15. I’m 19 now, life’s going alright I guess, still doing the same things, same interests and hobbies with no job.
I think about purpose and responsibility in life, I definitely overthink it but it’s in vain as they’re just thoughts inside my head. I applied for a job at the local McDonalds but they weren’t looking for any additional workers at that time, I haven’t searched for anything else. My best friend from the age of 8 vapes now to deal with stress which I don’t like and works 2 jobs so he’s busy all the time. My parents leave the house early in the morning and only come back in the evening (8-5 shifts) I guess. I take my 9 year old brother to school and pick him up 6-7 hours later after being alone at home all day. He really likes to draw, it’s his favourite hobby. Which probably links to the fact that we have some creative ancestors.
I don’t consider myself an incelibate and don’t intend to become another Eliot Rogers or stupid teenage kid who wastes his life over some crime which the whole of humanity would despise him for in the pages of history, like Nikolas Cruz or the adult example of Brenton Tarrent.
Speaking of which me, that best friend and another guy called [name removed] planned an assault on [name removed] in the playground at primary school for bullying a Muslim (if I remember correctly) kid who asked for our help and we agreed because there was something wrong with him and he was also lonely, he didn’t participate in the attack on [name removed] but I stood by and watched my 2 friends fight [name removed] while I stood by and did nothing like a pussy.
Anyways I’ve probably been texting this on my phone for like 2 and a half hours and my dad is calling me to go outside for a bit. Hopefully this summer will be good, last year we did a family road trip where we drove to Paris and Berlin and stayed for several nights from England before driving all the way through Poland to Lithuania which is where my family is from. I wasted like £100 on Roblox recently despite my hygiene being bad, I might buy some history/politics/philosophy books from Amazon to read over the summer as I’m bored. Alright, I’ve been listening to somber music for a while now while texting this all, I need to take a piss and I generally need to go as people are expecting out of my room.
Enjoy your lives I guess, goodbye.
*Names removed by Moderator
