Self harm cycles

[Sideways]

I’m trying to figure out my cycles of self harm.

I think I’m getting on top of the phase of starting, peaking, then being able to stop the SH. But I then go through a period of not SHing which is harder to figure out. Particularly the things that seem to be a catalyst for going back to SH. Sometimes there’s identifiable stressors (anniversaries are an obvious one), but more often there’s nothing that I can really put my finger on.

Probably it’s emotional, yeah? Or dissociative? I’m crap at being able to identify my emotional state, much less ‘monitor’ it. Despite building in daily habits to do exactly that. I seem to only ever get a very general sense of “meh”.

Body scans tend to not be much help there either - even when I go looking, unless it’s no longer moving like it should, it usually feels fine. Even the basic stuff like “hungry”, don’t pick up on that till I’m dizzy and physically struggling to remain upright.

So, any personal insights or experience with the cyclical nature of SH? Have you experienced it? Have you identified the triggers? Things that set off a period of SH? Things that seem to make your non-SH periods last longer? The processes you’ve used to help understand your experience of the way it waxes and wanes (successful or not).

I’ve got as far as yep, it’s definitely cyclical. Like my depression is cyclical. My ptsd, also cyclical. Why not the SH as well! Unhelpfully, the cycles seem to run somewhat independently of each other…*head scratch*

There’s some stuff AI doesn’t want to touch. It’s very awkward when even the computer tells you they’re not willing to discuss this topic!

 

[Rose White]

Some thoughts…
Generally stress related. My stresses are typically:
Not nourishing myself (with actual food)
Not caring for myself (with compassion)
Taking on too much responsibilities (at work or with my family—mental exhaustion)
Running around too much (physical exhaustion)
Weak/mushy boundaries (with friends or strangers)

If I am self harming it typically is related to one of the above stressors.

Also, in terms of ever eliminating it? I’ve been told by more than one person (professional and not) that maybe it will just be there for my whole life. Because it’s such an old coping mechanism that the neural groove is just calcified or it’s somehow related to a genetic predisposition. And that as long as it’s not as bad as it used to be, to view it as a kind of weather vane to understand my internal state.

I still have hope that someday I won’t need it anymore—that someday I will conquer it.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

I've been thinking about this in terms of myself, too. And then I was doing some reading recently and suddenly something clicked that I think is the answer! (or part of an answer).

I was reading about trauma-informed yoga, and how it works. I had always just assumed it was a slower, gentler form of hatha without hands-on corrections. But apparently, the neurobiology behind it is that trauma survivors lose the ability to interocept (feel what is happening within their bodies) as trauma literally blocks those pathways. So, the ability to feel a muscle move, or feel a stomach grumble in hunger, is just a skill we've never learned.

And for me, at least, I think some of my issues with managing these cycles is perhaps misidentification and then parts throwing stuff at the wall to see what might help. I have trouble telling the difference between hunger and anxiety, for example, and sometimes just experiment with whether to eat or to take my meds (or both), but of course if I choose the wrong solution it can make stuff worse. And with the low-level self-harmy type stuff, I think it's maybe in part (ha) due to parts misinterpreting things and then trying to solve the situation as best as possible. Like running, a really good new habit I'm forming. But some of the younger parts sometimes feel the increased heart rate and it starts the cycle of panic and I've found the body curled up in public parks hyperventilating a few times, run aborted. And I think that it was just serious confusion between body and mind.

Trauma-informed yoga works not by naming or judging or acting on any of the body feelings, but just noticing them. There seems to be no neurological difference in the brain between the pathway that can feel a muscle stretching and the one that can feel hunger, for example, so just learning to feel the body again, to notice, is all it takes to solve the disconnect. That said, it's a long process, but this seems to make sense to me in a way that nothing else has before - and explain why no amount of cognitive therapy an talk me out of these miscalculations.

Hope that might help.

 

[Sideways]

I’ve been told by more than one person (professional and not) that maybe it will just be there for my whole life. Because it’s such an old coping mechanism that the neural groove is just calcified

I’m not ready to accept that.

Cycles of depression and ptsd might be inevitable - they’re brain states. But my SH is behaviour, and that’s not fixed, right? Whatever is driving it might be beyond my control, but what I do with that drive is controllable. Surely…?

It feels inevitable at the time. But nope, not ready to come at the idea this is inevitably part of my future, over and over again. I’ve changed seemingly fixed behaviours in the past. This is the next one I need to tackle.

Hope that might help.

Reminders about my yoga are almost universally helpful!

Probably tracking my yoga and running might throw some light on the cycle. There may be an dip in self care that’s impacting it.

 

[No More]

The only way I’ve found out of it is to find something I care about more. Really really care about. And I put stickers saying that on the stuff I use, to try and give myself enough time to pause to think before I start.

I think mine goes in long cycles, because once I’ve started I find it incredibly difficult to stop. It’s either there in massive quantities, or not. This gradual trickle of ‘less’ I could never get on with or get it to work for me. I found the counting days since I did it last just sent me up the wall, because the more the idea is in my head, the harder it is to resist. I need it to be quite out of sight out of mind style.

Essentially I think the big trigger for me is needing to forget. If what’s in my head reaches a certain boiling point, it’s my immediate go-to. And it sounds brute force but it is, brute force not giving myself the option to do it. Because what I do does ruin my whole life once I start. There is no ‘safe’ level. It’s all out.

Edit to add - I’m majorly not into yoga, but I do *love* weightlifting. A good gym session has all the same benefits in a different way. Being very aware of posture, of feeling the muscle groups, being aware of how your body is feeling and moving, how tired certain parts are, getting those reps. That really good shaking burn of grinding those last few out. If yoga maybe isn’t doing it, could you try a bit of heavy circle time? You do get a real feel good vibe after and it’s nice to see progression.

 

[Charbella]

Whatever is driving it might be beyond my control, but what I do with that drive is controllable. Surely…?

I think this depends on the self harm. If it is something you do without noticing it then I could see @Rose White statement being correct. Like I pick at my nails but for me it’s as much adhd as self harm. As in yes it harms me but not always and my adhd seems to be the driving force most of the time. When I keep doing it, knowing it’s causing harm, well then I don’t think it’s a boredom habit.

If you cut, burn, or something with intention, you obviously have control. Does that make it easy to control, nope, but I too believe your capable.

So cutting I control, do I exercise that control, not at the moment but I have for a very long time in the past and generally it’s hard at first but gets easier.

Picking my cuticles, most of the time I draw blood long before I notice I’m doing it and the stickiness is what draws my attention. When I pick when it’s all red and inflamed, that’s a choice my brain says ow and I continue.

Not sure if that’s helpful.

 

[Friday]

Things that set off a period of SH?

Overwhelmingly… the need to self regulate, and the inability to do so. To regain self control. Or the ability to think. Sanity. Clarity. Sense of purpose. Actual purpose. Soothing. Calming. Energizing. Rightness. Because, for me at least, my SH are all coping mechanisms, that at some point or another in my life? Have worked. And worked well. So when I start to lose my self control? It’s the most natural thing in the world to reach for whats worked before.

I have quite a few nuclear coping mechanisms that aren’t even in the same solar system as SH. They’re just not. But? They accomplish the exact same things, for the exact same reasons. It’s “just” that the effects on me & my life are different. The unhealthy ones (can) cause some seriously f*cked up problems, they’re “just” different problems.

Part of my struggling with my self control /dysreg ALSO usually means I’m far less aware of it. Finding a SH or Nuclear Coping Mechanism cycle kicking off? Or attempting to? Is often my canary in the coal mine.