Full Of Shame About Being A "dancer".

[PinkSugar]

I've heard that victims of sexual abuse make up 98% of Adult entertainers. I was raised by a conservative family, with a Southern- Lutheran beliefs.

I started by working at H00ters when I was 17 (don't know if I'm allowed to say this). Then I was laid off, when my money ran out my stress level was enormous. I had bad experiences working regular retail jobs and decided I wasn't above being a "Dancer". I feel so ashamed, more than I can ever express, that I did that. At the time I felt hopeless and lonely. I never really had my virginity, and had multiple instances of sexual abuse at 13-14. I feel like its because I'm lazy and I'm weak that I did that, but I've heard other wise.

I live with fear that my family will find out, or that it will keep me from having a career. Or even that my boyfriend (that I'm trying to leave) will use it against me as blackmail. Is anyone else in my situation, or have any advice on how to stay safe.

Thanks
E

 

[Leah123]

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you are ashamed of dancing. I have so much respect for women who do erotic dance/stripping, and also prostitution. I have so much compassion for women who do it not because they really want to, but because they feel trapped or not good enough for other work. I wouldn't call you one bit lazy or week, to work in the lion's den for a living. A living is a living, and I am impressed with you. I imagine it's much harder to deal with that background because of conservative religious beliefs growing up. It's taken me ages to shake off the harm from growing up in a conservative religious school.

I've definitely done things I am not proud of to make a living, lying and selling my integrity.

I'm pondering your request for resources/ways to feel safe. There are certainly resources as far as job training, safety from abusive/difficult boyfriends, etc. but I'm very short on time now and want to ponder it. I hope others will have more relevant things to say, I just wanted to let you know I'm glad you shared and very sorry you're suffering with this.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry you find yourself where you are. I have also done things to survive and it's not easy.

This might be helpful to you. Even if you have not done it at least you will find some people who needed to survive too:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/have-you-ever-had-survival-sex.30867/[/DLMURL]

Best wishes.

 

[WillyKat]

It's not fair to feel ashamed of making ends meet. That's awful. If you don't like it or it makes you feel bad, then fine; look for an alternative. But in the meantime, you should feel OK about keeping a roof over your head.

You're not hurting anyone by dancing, you're not dropping bombs on schools.

 

[saffy]

Hi pinksugar

You have a had a hard, unsupported and abused life so far. So very young to have gone through so much already. It is no wonder you feel judged and, therefore, ashamed, humiliated, manipulated and generally lost.

However, taking everyone else out of the equation, including your parents for a while, what you had to do at the time was a strong thing to do. It is hard out there and we fall into different environments along the way. Meet different people and get involved with different things. At that time in your life your environment and surrounding were not ideal and this makes it hard making the right decisions.

The feelings of insecurity, pressure from others, acceptance from others (maybe not for the right reasons) and self survival has made you do things that you might now regret, in hindsight, or feel ashamed about.

Who do you feel shame towards, yourself only, or is there influences making you feel ashamed? Like fear of judgement from parents or peers. Who are they to judge anyone, including you. If they cannot support you and help you progress in a more positive way your life then they should not be considered important enough to be able to judge you.

The only judge is yourself. So are you judging yourself too harshly?

What support and encouragement did you get when young? Not a lot by the sounds of it.

Who taught you how to be assertive and trusting of others around you? It is hard to learn this from people who sole aim is to abuse and manipulate you.

Without the upbringing that helps you be a more rounded person it is not surprised you got lost along the way. It is really hard to work life out by yourself, especially when faced with a confusing world that you are not prepared for.

I've heard that victims of sexual abuse make up 98% of Adult entertainers.

Really? That does not sound right to me. There are a lot of entertainers with mental illness too. Also a lot who are extroverts or just talented and enjoying what they do.

I am not sure what you mean by your above quote. Can you explain the connection with this and your dancing?

You mention if your parents or partner will find out. Who will tell them and why? If they do find out you have to find a way of justifying your past and using it to learn from, not use it to punish yourself more with feeling of shame and guilt.

The way to change the way you feel about the past is changing the future despite of it to make sure lessons have been learnt and a new way forward can be found.

If you love dancing then dance, but do it because you enjoy it. Find a way of dancing that will allow you to progress, not hold onto current anxieties. It doesn't have to be erotic dancing, but if it is burlesque in a reputable class might give you a different experience. Talking to some off the other dancers might help as they are doing it for a totally different experience and reasons than you did in the past. So would not be seeing it as seedy or abusive. It is worth hearing their ideas and points of view on it. I hope that made sense :)

If you were to wake up tomorrow on a new planet not knowing anyone or anything and could start a complete fresh life. What career or vocation would you like to do?

There has to be a point in our lives to sit down and stop. Stop abusing ourselves, stop feeling ashamed of ourselves and stop feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment or hatred and to stop living in fear of the past or the future. Take one look at the present moment and decide what to do. Easy to say but not impossible, I can vouch for that :)

I hope you find it in yourself to forgive yourself and treat yourself in the way you would treat someone you loved. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[WillyKat]

I've also heard that about adult entertainers. No percentages, but just common knowledge. I remember some show on TV where they interviewed prostitutes and nearly all of them said they had been either sexually or physically abused, or both, growing up.

 

[rockyspine]

You shouldn't feel ashamed. I have respect for you being able to get in front of people and do that - I would be way too nervous or shy to attempt that! So really shows how determined you are to survive and make ends meet and that is admirable.

If you don't feel safe at work or don't like dancing, then I think it would be best to find out how to get into another job. I am guessing that is kind of your feeling because you mentioned you are afraid it would stop you from getting another career, meaning you actually want to do something else... There are LOTS of former dancers who go on to have all sorts of jobs.

What kind of job do you wish you had? What are your hobbies or things you like to do? Find out some jobs in those fields and figure out how to get one, maybe with some schooling or you might not even need to go to school.

Just remember you can do anything you put your mind to (really!) and that trying to earn a living is never anything to be ashamed of. Your job does not define you as a person, also. Even if you don't like what you do, it's only a job and you are still a PERSON who has worth and value.

Hope that helps.

 

[PinkSugar]

What inspiring responses! Hearing everyone encourage me is such a blessing and a gift, I appreciate every word of it all. I'm hoping that some how I will figure out how to get into a college, but with my parents getting divorced and neither one of them offering to take me it may not be an option. Right now I'm at a adult school working extremely hard to get an accounting certificate so I can try to support myself. My dream job would be working at a high end hotel as a manager or director of the spa, but I would rather get student loans and go to school full time so I can have a "regular" college experience. I'm only 19 so I feel like it may not be to late for me to start with out being out of place.

Saffy, my connection was that most of the time I preformed extremely suggestive acts for my customers, so I felt more like an entertainer than a dancer.

It was all so degrading, and ruined my self worth. Worst of all my boyfriend would watch me and he always was aroused by it. He would encourage me to dance, and never helped me out or offered to get a job so I could quit. There is not much worse than pouring your heart and soul into someone and having them tell you "you made all your problems" and that you "bring the attacks on yourself" (In regards to my PTSD attacks). Now I suppress them as best I can out of fear of having annoyed someone.

I'm in an awkward position, watching my little brother leave for college, my parents separating, trying to leave my boyfriend painlessly, and deal with day to day stresses and fears of PTSD. I have no friends, no social life, and a ton of stress. Everyday is a challenge, but I appreciate all of your words of wisdom and look forward to reading more responses.

 

[WillyKat]

Saffy, my connection was that most of the time I preformed extremely suggestive acts for my customers, so I felt more like an entertainer than a dancer.

It was all so degrading, and ruined my self worth.

I think there is your reason to stop.

But we all here know how hard it is to change some things. From the outside looking in, it seems easy like "well, just don't do it anymore". On the inside, its a different story.

I was talking to my therapist last week and said that it was like being a zebra and changing to be spotted. She said something to the effect: it's not like changing into something you are not; its letting what's already in you come out.

Hope that helps.

 

[saffy]

HI PinkSugar

There is not much worse than pouring your heart and soul into someone and having them tell you "you made all your problems" and that you "bring the attacks on yourself"

That is so harsh. I believe this shows more about him than you. Pretty heartless I would say. :( You have done well to walk away, now make it so that it with your head held high and with dignity. Give the responsibility back to him for not being a better person and looking out for you. What he said to you is crap and aimed solely at showing you that he is basically a selfish shit who took advantage of a young girl but is now trying to make her believe that it was all her fault. He is a coward. You are so much stronger. :)

Influences of others and acceptance for the wrong reasons combined with manipulation must have caused you massive inner conflict. It was not in your nature to be a flirt or a tease and so it conflicted with your needs. Their needs were being seen to but what makes it sad is that you did not want to see to their needs really but were too scared to look after your own. No one will blame or judge you for that. :)

I'm only 19

Wow, still so young and by the following you are focused and a lot more mature than you realise. I can see by what you write that you are not stupid and are actually in touch with your feelings. That is a sign of someone strong and aware. Sometimes though there is doubt and questioning that might be more negative that positive and this will affect behaviour and perception of the world. You have shown though that you can move forward, you are focusing on your school work. That takes dedication, that takes strength too. :)

Right now I'm at a adult school working extremely hard to get an accounting certificate so I can try to support myself. My dream job would be working at a high end hotel as a manager or director of the spa, but I would rather get student loans and go to school full time so I can have a "regular" college experience.

Accounting will get you a good background to either employment in management or running your own business. There must be hospitality or customer service courses available to get some qualifications. You are only 19 and just started out. :)

One step at a time. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)