Funeral Advice

[Alykins]

Hi all,
I desperately need some advice.

My grandfather, Poppa, just passed away and his funeral is next week. This is my abuser's father. I loved Poppa dearly & I don't want to disrespect his memory by not going to his funeral. But I haven't seen my father in years, I've taken painstaking measures to ensure it. The last time I saw him, I had to keep leaving for air & so I wouldn't pop him right in the jaw.

So, now, I can either face my abuser & go to Poppa's funeral OR not and feel like I'm disappointing Grammy and everyone else.

Well, Poppa was in the Navy so I was thinking I could hold my own memorial service for him up here on the Maine coast if I didn't go to his funeral. Maybe I'd write a message in a bottle to him and let it go.

What do you think? I emailed my old therapist about it but I feel like I can't ask my boyfriend or friends for advice bc they have no idea what it's like for me to see my abuser. So what would you do? Go be with the family, including your abuser, or hold your own memorial for him?

(And am I a horrible person for even thinking of not going?)

 

[Lionheart]

Speaking strictly for myself, I would hold my own memorial and not pressure myself to face my abuser. One way that I honor the passing of a family member is (on the date of their passing or any other time I can't make it to the cemetery) to sit out a favorite photo of them in a nice frame, objects that once belonged to them, (if I have any), light some sweet smelling incense and a white candle, then I sit down and just talk to them pouring out my thoughts and feelings. I really like your idea of a message in a bottle too and of course flowers are always nice too if I have them.

However, this is what works for me and I don't want you to have regrets over not going to the funeral, so please realize this is just my humble opinion and nothing more. I am sure that others will respond with their thoughts on this as well and I ask you to consider them all before making a decision.

Above all, I want to say that I am sorry for your loss and that I wish you peace and comfort.

 

[The Albatross]

No you are not a horrible person to consider not going. It is up to you what you can tolerate and if there is any benefit to you (funerals are about the living not so much about the dead) to go. I chose a couple times to do the harder thing. But I don't know that I would do that in other instances. There are many ways you can honor your loved one. It is though, about you, and your relationship with your grandfather ... how you choose to close this for yourself that is done in a meaningful and positive way for you to move forward.

I too am sorry for your loss, I personally choose to honor my loved ones on their birthday, and don't fixate on the death of their passing. That is my choice after a memorial or service to "honor them" has passed. (((Hugs for you)))

 

[KP the nut]

I am sorry for your loss.

I would agree with what LH has written.

Sometimes we need to be brave and a little selfish and do what is best for ourselves. You are still honouring and remembering your 'Poppa' in your own way and IMHO, it will mean as much, if not more than if you were to attend the funeral.

If you attended the funeral, again IMHO, you would focus on your abuser and your feelings, and this would be natural. When actually the focus should be Poppa.

Wishing you peace.

 

[sunnyd]

Hi Alykins,

So sorry for your loss, I agree with the others it is a personal choice. Funerals seem to be about supporting the family rather than the dead person in my experience.

I went to my granda's funeral about 6 months ago and landed up off work for months and being told by the doctor I had developed Fibromyalgia.

On leaving the funeral I had what I though was a tension headache due to seeing relatives I find a strain (i was not sure if they had read the paper about my brothers jail sentence for sex offenses and the shame I felt about it)

With that said it might be better for you to support your grandma after the funeral when the rest of the family aren't around. It may mean more to your grandma.


but whatever you chose to do, we are here for u

SunnyD

 

[ClairBear226]

I happen to be a hospice nurse, and have had several people that are estranged from family members over the years; you are not alone in this one. My own family has a similar issue, and when my grandfather died, I did go to the funeral with my father there. It was something I wish I hadn't done. If I realized there was another option, I likely wouldn't have.

There is such a thing as a "private viewing". You can usually arrange with a funeral home to go and view the loved one either prior to or after the wake, or prior to burrial/ cremation. Normally all you need to do is ask ahead of time. The funeral information should be easy enough to obtain if you're speaking to your grandmother, and you could even arrange for her or someone else to be with you. This way, you can be there and pay your respects, and not have to see your father at all.

I wish I had known about that when my own grandfather died. Hope having another option helps.

 

[Whitneys story]

Alykins,
There are no words for the loss of a Grandparent. JMHO but I feel that what SunnyD said is excellent.
During the early times of loss everyone is around and supportive. Many things which need to be done.
All of a sudden the service is done, everyone returns to their lives and Grammy is alone!

I wish you a peaceful resolve. I would bet Grammy would love to have you all to herself! Hugs Whitney

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. It is perfectly acceptable for you to honor your grandfather in your own way. I believe that he would understand your reasons, and be touched that you loved him so dearly as to hold a memorial for him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, everyone had such lovely things to say to you to help. I think it would be good to follow your heart. You do not have to go and expose yourself to that. I wish you peace of mind in guiding you in your choice. Best of regards,

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I would light a candle and hold my own special service for him at home. You can always call and speak to your grammy afterwards and tell her that you were there with her 'in spirit' but was unable to make it physically, or go around and comfort her afterwards, when no one is there.

If she is disappointed, then so be it...but this will pass in time.

This is a subject that has been coming up for me lately about whether I will go to my own father's funeral when he passes. It's not an easy thing to reconcile with, that's for sure.

 

[ClairBear226]

This is a subject that has been coming up for me lately about whether I will go to my own father's funeral when he passes.

That's been a subject I've thought about in reguards to my own father too. I don't think I could handle people telling me what a great guy he was, or sharing their memories of him, or even watch them grieve his loss. For me, it will be a day where one more scumbag gets wiped off the plantet. Yet, I think I may need some closure there too. Frankly, the day can't get here quickly enough. For now, I've decided on a private viewing, and will likely not attend any service. I can't very well pay "respects" to a man I zero respect for, but the closure will probably be something I'll benefit from.

Such a hard thing to deal with, when you have a family with an abuser or molester among the ranks. I wonder, sometimes, if they have any idea haw far-reaching their actions have been. They effect everything, right down to family events like funerals. And I wonder if they care.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, it would feel hypocritical to pay respects for someone you don't respect. For me, it would be more about facing all my relatives, who know that I've cut him off and have no idea why. He's brainwashed them all into thinking I'm just some nutcase and he's the victim...including my brothers. I can't see it going all the way through without me punching my brother in the face at least once.