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Gaining Weight On Purpose...
- Post starter Brinsanity
- Start date
- Status
Whether it's gaining weight or losing it, it strikes me how frequently so many of us display our inner struggles through control of our weight. What doesn't show on the inside always shows through on the outside...
And I know that for me, it really is all about control. If I control what I eat and hence my weight, then I will be exerting control over something in my life that might be significant enough to feel like real control, the empowering kind, and to bring about control of other, darker, aspects of my life for which I currently feel out of control... etc.
Yes, it's deeply shameful, for me perhaps the greatest of my self destructive behaviours. It offers comfort to know I am not alone.
Maddog
And I know that for me, it really is all about control. If I control what I eat and hence my weight, then I will be exerting control over something in my life that might be significant enough to feel like real control, the empowering kind, and to bring about control of other, darker, aspects of my life for which I currently feel out of control... etc.
Yes, it's deeply shameful, for me perhaps the greatest of my self destructive behaviours. It offers comfort to know I am not alone.
Maddog
The Albatross
VIP Member
I am heavier than I should be post sexual assualts. Prior to that I had more anorexic tendencies. I have got down within 10 pounds of my "goal weight" probably 6 times in the past two years... then get an anxiety reaction and put it back on. My average weight is 175. It is a psychological thing with me... and I'm old enough to now be at the point where weight management is a necessary part of my dealing with my chronic illnesses.
I don't want to be attractive or attract atteniton from men on a very core level. But I want my health to be as well as it can be. A paridox I've yet to find a remedy for. Great topic!
added... my mother and father were big, grossly obese people... so I cycle through my weight issues. I won't allow myself to go above 185... but I won't go below 160. My ideal weight is 150. It has majorly sucked.
What has to happen in my brain? I don't know... but it hasn't happened yet. I try to make the health issues primary, til I get some male attention... then put it back on.
I don't want to be attractive or attract atteniton from men on a very core level. But I want my health to be as well as it can be. A paridox I've yet to find a remedy for. Great topic!
added... my mother and father were big, grossly obese people... so I cycle through my weight issues. I won't allow myself to go above 185... but I won't go below 160. My ideal weight is 150. It has majorly sucked.
What has to happen in my brain? I don't know... but it hasn't happened yet. I try to make the health issues primary, til I get some male attention... then put it back on.
HI Brinsanity
I used to put on weight because I thought it used to make me unappealing to men, then I would not get advances I could not handle. Normally over the size of my 'girls' (breasts). I've always hated men learing at them, talking at them not me or making comments. I hid away, got really heavy and was still not happy. I now think that I need to feel good about myself so that I can have the confidence to say no. It is working for me anyway.
There is a really good thread on symptoms and other disorders on this forum about eating, you may like to have a read of that too :)
best wishes
Saffy
I used to put on weight because I thought it used to make me unappealing to men, then I would not get advances I could not handle. Normally over the size of my 'girls' (breasts). I've always hated men learing at them, talking at them not me or making comments. I hid away, got really heavy and was still not happy. I now think that I need to feel good about myself so that I can have the confidence to say no. It is working for me anyway.
There is a really good thread on symptoms and other disorders on this forum about eating, you may like to have a read of that too :)
best wishes
Saffy
M
Mayday
I also use weight as a way to make myself less attractive, and attract less attention. I would really like to lose weight just to be healthy again, but seem to self sabotage. I also have issues with skin picking, with I also think is to make myself less attractive. Because I have always had bigger boobs anyway, I feel like they become more noticeable when I'm skinny and attract unwanted attention.
Another part of it is that I have a tendency to engage in impulsive, risky behaviours/unsafe sex etc...and I think I use being overweight/covered in unsightly sores as something to stop me doing things like that, because the embarrassment of how my body looks is the only thing that is strong enough to stop me doing the impulsive/risky behaviours. It makes me feel uncomfortable to have men attracted to me because I don't know how to stop myself responding.
It's hard, I wish I had some answers, but I don't really. I'm just trying to take it easy on myself and hopefully by talking about some of this stuff, at least online, I can get past it slowly.
Another part of it is that I have a tendency to engage in impulsive, risky behaviours/unsafe sex etc...and I think I use being overweight/covered in unsightly sores as something to stop me doing things like that, because the embarrassment of how my body looks is the only thing that is strong enough to stop me doing the impulsive/risky behaviours. It makes me feel uncomfortable to have men attracted to me because I don't know how to stop myself responding.
It's hard, I wish I had some answers, but I don't really. I'm just trying to take it easy on myself and hopefully by talking about some of this stuff, at least online, I can get past it slowly.
DharmaGirl
VIP Member
I have been keeping myself fat for years. I know this, it makes me feel safe and invisible. I am feeling stronger now, and would like to release the fat because I can set boundaries now. I have lost some, and will continue to set boundaries so I don't have to use fat as protection.
D
Deleted member 1860
I use it to feel in control.
Gaining weight keeps guys away. Losing weight is a form of self punishment.
Now I'm in a losing phase. I'm afraid of getting attention. I'm afraid of people noticing the loss. I've already thought of what to say when people mention it. Play dumb?
I'm afraid I'll hate the attention and self sabotage, gaining the weight back. It's happened before. I don't know how to handle it. I feel that people are paying attention to the superficial part of me which just makes me trust even less. Ugh.
Gaining weight keeps guys away. Losing weight is a form of self punishment.
Now I'm in a losing phase. I'm afraid of getting attention. I'm afraid of people noticing the loss. I've already thought of what to say when people mention it. Play dumb?
I'm afraid I'll hate the attention and self sabotage, gaining the weight back. It's happened before. I don't know how to handle it. I feel that people are paying attention to the superficial part of me which just makes me trust even less. Ugh.
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/ptsd-eating-disorders.28373/
Hi,
It is not at all unusual and a lot of those with both bulimia and BED (binge eating disorder) have this underpinning their problem. Most don't realise it until later in recovery. Those with anorexia often do the same thing. It's just that they want to be asexual and loose curves to be less appealing.
For me I realise I did both at the same time. Fun that. I always seem to do everything in simultaneous opposites. Utterly exhausting. It meant I moved between anorexic (but not emaciated) to the just under being overweight. But the whole time I had two parts of me fighting tooth and nail to either disappear or be overweight. It was tormenting. And both to avoid attention. I also used to dress in ways to make myself less attractive and the idea of wearing make-up was impossible to imagine. Like decorating something disgusting. When I started truly getting to the point where the eating disorder was gone I was faced with a lot of very triggering stuff and realities I had avoided.
ED's are where people put unlinked so called truths onto their bodies. Changing our bodies does NOT make us safe. It is a very powerful cognitive distortion. Even for those without a true eating disorder and some of these feelings that can be true. It can be extremely hard and triggering to get past it but it IS possible.
Assault and abuse isn't about sexuality and is about control and rage. It is OK and safe to have a healthy body. It is also possible to recover from these things.
Hi,
It is not at all unusual and a lot of those with both bulimia and BED (binge eating disorder) have this underpinning their problem. Most don't realise it until later in recovery. Those with anorexia often do the same thing. It's just that they want to be asexual and loose curves to be less appealing.
For me I realise I did both at the same time. Fun that. I always seem to do everything in simultaneous opposites. Utterly exhausting. It meant I moved between anorexic (but not emaciated) to the just under being overweight. But the whole time I had two parts of me fighting tooth and nail to either disappear or be overweight. It was tormenting. And both to avoid attention. I also used to dress in ways to make myself less attractive and the idea of wearing make-up was impossible to imagine. Like decorating something disgusting. When I started truly getting to the point where the eating disorder was gone I was faced with a lot of very triggering stuff and realities I had avoided.
ED's are where people put unlinked so called truths onto their bodies. Changing our bodies does NOT make us safe. It is a very powerful cognitive distortion. Even for those without a true eating disorder and some of these feelings that can be true. It can be extremely hard and triggering to get past it but it IS possible.
Assault and abuse isn't about sexuality and is about control and rage. It is OK and safe to have a healthy body. It is also possible to recover from these things.
DharmaGirl
VIP Member
I know I'm not safe from abuse and assault, but I am safe from guys asking me out. I am not noticed as anything but a fat person. I think the more I go through therapy, the more I will take care of myself. I used to be healthy and enjoyed it. I love getting exercise, but now that I have this back issue and PTSD, I don't do it. As soon as I can walk well, I will go to the pool. I'm afraid of slipping there.
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