News Gaslighting

[Deleted member 20978]

There are three tendencies that will pull you into a gaslighting exchange. These tendencies are the need to be right, the need to be understood and the need for approval. Additionally, certain traits, such as being empathic, being a caretaker, needing to see your partner in a positive light, and being a “people pleaser,” will make you more susceptible.

Right. Yeah that explains a lot. I wonder how one works on these. :confused:

 

[Ronin]

I wonder how one works on these.

Ease up on all of them / yourself. Changing the way you expect things to be, or expecting less, or working on having strategy for expectations going south. Basically more self reliance, less relying on others, for whichever need it is.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Well.. maybe I'll take this to my diary later. But, being more self reliant when I've literally lost every single person in my entire life and have been relying on no one for a while now is hard to conceptualize. Not disagreeing, just saying, it's very hard for me. I desperately wish there had been anyone I could rely on to meet the most basic obligations. It's a tangled mess.

But appreciated Cashew. I wish I could learn some self-reliance it's true.

 

[The Albatross]

Mind control? Eh nope. It creates doubt... it is a manipulation by the abuser or purveyor. From wiki: "Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity."

It also goes on to say:
"Resisting
With respect to women in particular, Hilde Lindemann argued emphatically that in such cases, the victim's ability to resist the manipulation depends on "her ability to trust her own judgments."Establishment of "counter-stories" may help the victim reacquire "ordinary levels of free agency."

 

[Ronin]

I desperately wish there had been anyone I could rely on to meet the most basic obligations

There is though, you.
So what helps you see where you excel, and what makes you excel more?

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Sadly, being seen by others and appreciated, and just known (and vice versa) helps my frontal lobes come back online. I say sadly because I feel this immense pressure from the universe that a real boy would be able to magically hold himself in high-esteem with no approval or human contact from anyone. This feels actually like a cognitive distortion of some sort but I cannot dispel it. (Or accept it?)

In more simple terms, I see a lot of ways I just stop taking care of myself including obligations (like, I should maybe pay January rent...). All the psych theories in the world don't seem to make a dent. All my life, if I had some love in my life, I would start taking on a ton more responsibility and do a lot more self-care too. I don't know maybe I am just wired this way. If I feel of value to others, my life seems worth maintaining. When I don't, I spin down and disintegrate. The problem is knowing where I belong. Where I can contribute and get back in return.

Sorry way off-topic methinks. Although, to sort of relate it back -- one of the core beliefs I was being fed in the midst of chronic gaslighting was that my needs do not matter. I think I need to take back some reality on that one in order to start taking care of some basic needs again. Having to go back to earliest memories and start over on some of that. Hard.

 

[Teasel]

When I met my partner and a certain 'froend' quite some time Go. I had been raped, dealt with it by not dealing with it because I couldn't face everything it brought up from my childhood abuse.
My life fell utterly apart over the next 2 years and it seemed like everyone I knew rejected me or else re victimised....

Some people treated me like the most shameful slut because of what happened and I absolutely feared they were right.

When I met my partner and said friend. I was so desperate to have someone not reject me that I clung on to them no matter what. They both hurt me a he'll of a lot but I can see now that I let them.
Oh I was so frightened. It's been quite a he'llish 10 plus years.
I hope now I can start to find my way out :)

 

[Ronin]

This feels actually like a cognitive distortion of some sort

It's more than that, it's biologically impossible. People don't work that way.

, I see a lot of ways I just stop taking care of myself including obligations

Do it the soonest you can catch up, perhaps? Set up systems to remind you?

If I feel of value to others, my life seems worth maintaining.

I get that, the need to be useful, but the thing is, you can be more useful if you're weller. If others are your drive? It's still coming back to your health. More healthy & comfortable & having it together, more useful.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thanks Cashew. Please drop by my diary any time and say more. I agree with all of it but remain a bit lost in how it all fits together. Too much time wandering in the desert and you begin to realize, wait, taking care of myself *can't* not involve other people... But yes I am needing to get weller definitely. This community is helping. It's long slow work.

 

[Born to Run]

@The Albatross & @Cashew thank you, but still don't see the difference. To me it seems gaslighting is a newish term for brainwashing and mind control.

"Both brainwashing techniques and mind control methods are used to change people's beliefs and attitude so that they make the decisions and do the things the manipulator desires. They are used in totalitarian states, with prisoners, in destructive cults, in abusive relationships and some would argue that they are used in the media for advertising and used by governments to control the people." http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/brainwashing-techniques.html

 

[Ronin]

My point being 'brainwashing' and 'mind control' are both popular terms that have very little value or guidance to how get through that type of mental abuse, and quite often are only used by individuals or groups with questionable agendas, themselves.

Talking about gaslighting & coercion & trauma-bonding? Hella lot more useful for healing than that other terminology.

 

[Teasel]

I've struggled horribly in similar ways to you Jemini. Really believed lot of things that kept me stuck...
All the best