Gaslighting

[KwanYingirl]

can someone explain to me what being gaslit means? I see this word often but don’t know what it means. And I can’t figure it out from context. Thanks

 

[Rose White]

I think it means when your parent or partner behaves erratically or speaks irrationally and then tries to convince you that you are crazy when you call them out. Over time you believe there is something wrong with you instead of them.

 

[KwanYingirl]

OK so what is the significance of being a victim of this? Is it a false belief that we need to challenge in order to feel worthy or simply not crazy?

And what’s in it for the person who does the gaslighting? Are they intentionally trying to manipulate the victim?

 

[Rose White]

I think it depends on your situation and where you are at in your recovery as to the significance. Like becoming aware would be the first step.

Whether or not someone is consciously manipulating someone else is not for me to decide. I think for people who may have grown up with a manipulative or narcissist parent, they may have had a hard time putting into words how their parent manipulated them, especially if it was under the guise of love or protection. So to be able to recognize a particular manipulative technique can be validating.

The term gaslighting means the person is intentionally manipulating the victim, yes. For example, a parent abuses a child when they are sleeping but never admits to it when confronted so the child grows up thinking they are crazy.
Another example is a partner lying to or falsely accusing their spouse until the spouse questions their sanity. Basically gaslighting is lying or twisting reality to maintain a position of power.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you!! That has happened to me as a group effort by my whole family. Two parents and four siblings humiliating me during mealtime or other group events. Both parents allowing it and telling me I’m too sensitive. Stop being so sensitive as if demeaning and ridicule is benign and it’s my fault that it hurt my feelings until such time that I stopped feeling.

 

[Rose White]

Sounds like they were scapegoating you. That means that you received more punishment than anyone else.

There is a book by Pete Walker called “Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving.” In it he talks about all the different roles children take on in household with parents who abandon their children through abuse and/or neglect. It was helpful for me to understand family dynamics.

I’m sorry your family treats you like that. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I hope you are able to grow into your own person away from them.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I knew enough to get away from them at age 17. I still get comments from them. I think you’re right about the scapegoating. It was so hurtful.

I remember being at my parents house when my son was maybe one and a half. He was toddling in the kitchen and I came around the corner and accidentally ran into him and he fell down. I immediately picked him up and said I was sorry. My mother looked straight at me and said “don’t EVER apologize to your child”.

 

[mumstheword]

There is a movie called gaslit. From back in the 40's I think. That is what the term originated from. It makes things even clearer to watch the film.
There is always an intention to make you believe that you have lost your grip on reality. Lies are always part of it. Lots and lots of lies and seeding the belief that you are "crazy" or insane. It is a form of psychological torture used by pathological individuals. It is a way to break your mind.

 

[anonymous]

Gaslight (1944 film) - Wikipedia

My mother used to hide different objects from me from a young age until my teens .. and make me think that I had lost them.

 

[Friday]

can someone explain to me what being gaslit means

It’s when someone manipulates you into thinking you’re crazy.

Most common usage is abusers who convince their victims it’s their fault (like in domestic violence, it’s the person being hit who is to blame... instead of the person hitting).

Like most things, it gets overused a lot.

Someone merely disagreeing with another person? Isn’t gaslighting. But some people take it to the extreme of anyone who disagrees with them, about anything, ever... is gaslighting them. The irony, is that in habitual mis-users? Often end up gaslighting the people closest to them. :confused: Because they can “never” be wrong, they have their own versions of reality that don’t allow anyone else to have an opinion, motives, or desires contrary to what they believe them to be. IE if I asked you* if you’d like a sandwich, and you screamed at me to stop calling you fat, and I said I didn’t call you fat? That’s telling you you’re wrong. Which is not “alllowed”. So, even though I REALLY just thought you might like a sandwich, was making one for myself, was being polite... Since you can’t be wrong, I have to be wrong, about my own motives for asking you if you wanted a sandwich. :confused: <<< You see a whole lot of that with borderline personality disorder & some kinds of childhood trauma. It’s one of those becoming-your-abuser / repeating the cycle thing. There’s so much fear about NOT doing so, that it ends up becoming real. Self fulfilling prophecy. Made up of cognitive distortions (mind reading, disqualifying the positive, black and white thinking, etc.) in spades.

* Or you asked me... feel free to reverse the pronouns in this example.

 

[Rose White]

Is it gaslighting if when you defend your identity they make it seem like you are attacking them? I should give an example.

Maybe it’s not gaslighting, maybe it’s just a cognitive distortion.

It probably depends on the context.

If someone’s words regularly lead me to doubt myself, it doesn’t matter what it’s called, and it’s up to me to decide how tolerant I will be of their behavior.

Glad I can see that now.

 

[Kay Mouse]

Is it gaslighting if when you defend your identity they make it seem like you are attacking them...

There are a huge number of variations on gaslighting, it isn't always blatant, and in your face. Some people are so adept at it that it can be quite a while afterwards that you realise what has happened - even if you are aware of gaslighting and how it works.