There is a movie called gaslit. From back in the 40's I think. That is what the term originated fro...
Sorry for the length....
Gaslighting gives the gaslighter some kind of energy which feeds their ego. Without you to abuse, they'd be searching for a replacement really quickly-as this gaslighting behavior for them seems to be a need. They believe their way is "normal." They make you feel like you are the crazy one...leaves them feeling sane and right.....and their world is a happy one because they aren't the source of the conflict...you are. With this in motion, you are set for continual abuse. They are right...you are wrong....it is very black and white....and little to no room for you to have gray thoughts about the changing rules or moralizing...one set of rules for them....and totally different one for you..and the rules change when it works for their blame game. The rules, flavor of gaslighting changes over time depending upon what's happening, but one thing is for sure... You will always be...their personal scapegoat if you stick around. I did....and am so regretful of that fact.
Here's a few personal and sadly real examples from a crazy feeling past life:
Gaslighting can be as simple as you trying to contact hubby and he never texted you or called you back (ignoring) and flips the blame when you call him on it and he must have been busy or it was a bad time for you to try to reach him (but never you mind the other 20 times youtried that day)... You have a "different set of rules" than others, like his daughter calling him about his grandson, and mother about her visit, who seem to be getting their daily text responses, videos, and photos in real time.
Threats: If you do this.....than I'll do _______________________ OR if you don't stop doing this then I'll do...…………………. (and then he follows through).grr....sets the stage for you to follow the rules or else. Sets the stage for anxiety.
Gaslighting involving "forgetting" or "poor memory".....a classic. The gaslighter will use his "poor memory" to avoid conversation. He'll hit you with "you just don't remember" and go on and tell you something you don't recall happening or at least happening the way you describe.
When you try to correct the details of his recollection of the event....he says, "Oh you just don't remember" leaving you feeling kinda stupid crazy....trying desperately to recall something that didn't happen.....leaving a nagging feeling......like are you the one forgetting??
Ganging up/guilt and creating problems that don't exist-yet: Having the family gang up on you for something idiotic that is not yet a problem....and creating one. You just got the most perfect loveable cat from the SPCA-and the cat seems to treat you better than family members. The whole family adores this new cat. Stepdaughter comes over with baby, and you walk in to tell them the sad news that you have to have allergy shots to keep the new cat but the doctor saw no reason to get rid of the cat. Asthma is kicking up...so I think stepdaughter tries to be nice and says she'll take the cat off your hands. You say thanks, but no..(.your cat is the only good thing going in the affection department.) Husband steps in and says the baby would love to have your cat all the time-the cat is good with the baby...very good. Kitty can go with my daughter if I don't get better
real soon. Next sentence: As a matter of fact, kitty can go now so I can get better and won't be around its dander. I say "no, not getting rid of kitty...subject closed!!"....Stepdaughter points to child dramatically...…..holds him out in front of her-points to his cute face..and says, "You mean you wouldn't give your ownly grandchild the cat? He can't have kitty? Kitty's not coming home with us?".....tears rolling down her face-then she storms out when I say "No" I'm not. Husband chiming in...yea...I think its a good idea...In this kind of gaslighting, they created a problem and you never even brought up getting rid of kitty...they felt entitled to your new cat....and somehow they make you feel guilty and a bad person because you won't give the baby your cat ......you're gaslit for sure and hurt for some time. Would they have pulled this stunt on another family member? No.
Lying or inflating things: Describing an event that never happened, or that wasn't the truth and all the while, he's sounding like he really believes his version, ...and you know that didn't happen the way he tells it. When you say it didn't happen that way....he retorts "your memory is failing!" You begin to feel crazy....
Husband writes a letter to your physician telling them the doc is off the mark and missed the diagnosis for your cat allergy, and they are so worried about your health, giving your personal physician a list of things he needs to be working on to fix you-and maybe you need to get rid of the cat. They ask if the allergy could be due to stress and do you need some meds to help your MH issues they are seeing. You go into your physician to find your husband communicated with the doc, that his letter he wrote to the doc is in your file, and you have it removed...Your doc says you have a crazy family. He'd never do that to Mom or the daughters. You have a different set of boundaries...different rules than other people.
You are told, Honey, I'm starving," so.you work your tail off to make a nice meal you both can enjoy…..he's even approved the meal....you serve it-and it looks like it always does....just fine..one of his favorites..but it took 2 min. too long to get on the table and he takes one look as you are placing the food on the table, irritatingly says..."'I'm starving...I'm going to Mickey Dees for a hamburger" -leaving you with a hot meal to eat by yourself, dirty dishes and totally flabbergasted and hurt. He'd never be disrespectful like this to his mother or daughters. Just you.
You put the dishes in the dishwasher so carefully and he comes along and looks at your job, calls you a stupid idiot...tells you to read the instruction manual (you've never seen it in the year you had the dishwasher) and that you are crazy for loading it the way you do because things won't get clean enough. You now believe none of your dishes have been getting clean. Over time, you are taught you are super incompetent with a dishwasher....and when he comes in you say to him …. I'll unload and you load (avoiding conflict). ! You begin to wonder about your dishwasher skills.....and start to play it safe.....stop trying.....because when you do you get gaslit.
You walk to the laundry, because he failed to do the laundry, his chore, which he promised to do so you'd have clean clothes for work. You need clothes for work TOMORROW. He sees....a mixed load in your basket....oh no, whites with lights....."only an idiot would do that he says...….."you are crazy for washing them together-they'll be ruined!" He grabs the laundry basket out of your arms, won't let you do it...says its his job and promises to have it done for the next day...Haha...surprise...you don't have clean clothes for work. When confronted, he'll tell you he forgot...ho hum, or better yet....you shouldn't have waited so long....it takes hours to do two loads (when you had only 5 things to wash for the next day!)
You scrub the kitchen floor...he walks in, stands over you and tells you how blind you are for missing dirt you can't see-because you already cleaned there and there isn't any. Tells you to get new glasses...then says, get out of the way.....I'll show you how to do it right! I let him...and he keeps going.....degrading your cleaning abilities......but all the while you are an adult feeling like a kid, getting a lecture on how to scrub a floor. You wonder why he's making such a big deal out of cleaning the floor.....he's not a germophob. By the time it is over.....you can't wait to leave....and you are angry....not understanding why he thinks there is only one way to do the floor-his way.
After some time of this negative reinforcement, you think you aren't very good in the kitchen anymore. Can't cook right, clean right, do laundry ….feeling down right dumb....knowing this whole thing is crazy-it hadn't been a problem previously....but those times were in the past....maybe you got dumber over time........but really wondering maybe you are crazy? Then you think....am I a bad wife?
Soon, you start to react...you are more easily frustrated because you are a failure in your relationship, you are slipping....no you have fallen so you start to yell, you push back verbally.....now he says your not balanced, a mental health case, need meds and a psych visit....because you are the crazy one. He's perfectly
normal. Right? No. But by now, you have been negatively affected by the abuse. Damage done.....time to see a therapist!
