Getting over ruptures with therapist


I have few questions and comments to poke in your adulthood parts.
What is the major function therapy is serving now? Some people may see support in abandment or validation or dealing with anger an outlet to take it out to learn etc.

Rupture in therapy at least in my experience, it is often mini misunderstanding as any relational situation, or a roadblock of empathy failure...there is a limit but most therapists are good recognizing this from the clients behavioror or topics brought to therapy and may rectify the rupture, or most I find when I am not ready to internalize the function they are serving (too far in unconscious or avoiding a decision that might become inevitable if we allow to take function back) and for this one unfortunately the therapist reached their limit of their therapeutic and it may be above their own growth...they become resistant....and the client was already resistant consciously or very difficult situation. In this last case ideally both may learn a great deal...and even the therapist may grow from it! If they are good enough or termination becomes a fantasy for the clients.

To reset if I do not know the reasons for the mental anguish ...this what rupture feels to me...I usually say something to the affects of losing faith in the process...and go from there to hopefully resolve.

You are in a pickle because you have clear ideas what you need so to me you are maybe afraid or not ready to utilize independent mind from her and she is ignoring this or unable to see it...limitations of her own background analysis. I am sorry you are alone trying to figure out.

Sorry no editing feature.


Thanks @grit

have few questions and comments to poke in your adulthood parts.
What is the major function therapy is serving now? Some people may see support in abandment or validation or dealing with anger an outlet to take it out to learn etc.
I'm not sure. I think the last few weeks have felt like crisis management, but then it's also gone weird and not attuned. I also think we've been working on building up adult me so that my child parts can rely on my and move away from me. And I also think I've become massively resistant to doing that work. It does feel like I am having a tantrum about it, or a teenage strop.
Yeah, I think I am afraid. Maybe it is all about her getting on with the work, and me panicking and rebelling against her.

I just talk myself round in confusing circles.


well you asked....
I am constantly reminding myself that they work for me. I think a lot of us lose that in the heat of the battle, they are here because we brought money to the table. Take that away and the christmas cards stop coming, hope thats not taken as condescending, I fall into trying to be their friend and want them to like me too.

If I hired someone to paint my house and they missed spots, wrong color, trim not masked, windows painted shut, you get it. They get a warning and no repeats, no money starts about then. I am not worried one bit about whether they like me after or not.

my personal rule for getting past what you call a rupture in an employee/employed relationship is a 3 step approach that escalates as the unwanted behavior continues:
1) First time: talk about the problem and develop a fix.
2) Second time: talk about the failure of the first talk and about repetition being a bigger problem than the first occurrence was and how we are nearing the end of conversations about it.
3) Third time: OK, you are going to repeat so...
3A) that's all. see ya around!
3B) ok, I guess I can deal with knowing this about you and any further occurrences are to expected but accepted by me as having been my choice to allow them to continue. The relationship is not what it could be but is OK because that other part is still good and worth the ongoing Ruptures that I now am responsible for. ME. I chose them, that's the bed I made and the one I lie in.

Hemingway really did hunt in Africa, and guided and was guided. He knew the ropes. When a guide asked another guide how his current gig was working out, rather than say "they are poor hunters but I am able to maintain a relationship where they blame themselves for our failure and don't realize that I am not showing them the prime areas and really working the brush hard because it would be a shame to waste an effort like that on this guy."
They simply told the questioning fellow guide "we are drinking his whiskey."

I won't let a T drink my whiskey. I get a full effort or I find someone else that knows the territory better.


How do you deal with/ heal ruptures in other relationships? Partnership, friendships, colleagues, etc?
Thanks @Sophy (in lockdown) , with my partner: once I am no longer flooded with emotion so that I can't think as I am in a confused emotional state, I think about how to make it better. And start a conversation and find a way to resolve it.
With family: nothing. We all wallow and no one says anything.
With friends: sometimes I might not say something, sometimes I might. Mostly I'll think it's not important and let it go.
Work colleagues: is the easiest as I understand the rules. And I'm not as invested. I can easily bring things up as the goal is work not necessarily my interpersonal relationship with them. I can shift to adapt that relationship fairly easily.
But good question, because I need to get my head out of where I have hidden it and have a grown up conversation with T.

well you asked....
I did ask! I get your sentiment. And you're right, it's so easy to forget that I am paying for her service. It feels so nothing to do with that! But it is good to be objective and less emotive about it.
What you've described about healing ruptures with other people sounds quite realistic and mature.

I'm wondering whether you maybe have quite high/ unrealistic expectations of your therapist?

As we grow up, we gain experience of how friendships and relationships work and we become more realistic in our expectations over time.

But when we're very young, we think our first best friend will be our best friend for life. Or that we'll love the first person we fall in love with forever.

I wonder if that's kind of the dynamic going on with your T - that your (emotional) expectations of her are understandable in theory, but isn't how things work in reality?

And although we were heartbroken when we were younger, when our first best-friendship ended and when we stopped loving the first person we thought we'd love forever... We had many rich and worthwhile friendships and relationships after that... Those things don't have to be "perfect" or "ideal" to be valuable and meaningful.

Our T's are human. They're fallible. They have good days and bad days. Some therapy sessions are great - with a strong emotional connection and deep insights and great work being done.

But many/ most therapy sessions are just plain hard work. Negotiations. Misunderstandings. Sorting through stuff. Working out what's going on and what's not going on. Getting confused. Clearing up the confusion.

Just as in a partnership, most days aren't "amazingly romantic" but are just the normal day-to-day stuff of "What's for dinner?" and "Did you remember to buy milk?" and "How was your day at work?" And even tho it's mostly so unspectacular, we still think it's worth it.

Most of my therapy sessions are flipping hard work. And I have to do half the work, to make them work. I'm grateful there's someone there to help me with it. Because if I was trying to do it on my own, without a therapist, I'd just get confused and go round in circles.

I know for a fact that my therapist can't read my mind. All he can work with is what I'm able to tell him. I do my best to explain things to him, and if he doesn't get it at first, I keep explaining until he's understood me. And then, when we're on the same page, he helps me to put the puzzle pieces together. That's how I see his role.

My expecations of him are not that there will be no misunderstandings and no confusion and no frustration. My expectations are: that he is patient with me, that he tries to help sort out misunderstandings jointly with me, that he is fair when we get confused and doesn't blame me for the confusion, that he is honest with me and lets me know when things are unclear and we're not on the same page, that he genuinely wants to help me even if he can't always help me - I know that he wants to and he's trying and if he can't help me then it's cos things are truly confusing and it's not from a lack of him trying.

Anyway, I dunno if this makes any sense or is helpful.


I'm wondering whether you maybe have quite high/ unrealistic expectations of your therapist?
Yeah, I have out her on a pedestal for sure. And I think she was, and has been, trying to get me to see she is human and fallible (noooooo!). I think she was trying to say this last week when she said that it's ok that I need to depend on her as long as I don't give her power over me, and I took great offense to that and felt rejected and shamed. But I can see what she was trying to say now. Which is what you are saying.

. I mean, we can't be failed or abandoned if we do it to ourselves first, right? And also triggers.
Yeah, totally! I think I fell into victim mode in my session.


Yes @Movingforward10 I think we can be more sensible and less presumptive when not triggered or reactive. Even victim mode, I would ask if it's self-sabotage mode? Or rather, because there isn't really self-sabotage but instead doing or expecting or thinking what's familiar +/or expected, and which therefore brings a twisted sense of relief?

I know I have to learn to risk trusting more, and not to spew and overthink what I have absorbed as my norm as what to expect or interpret of others, which will undoubtedly be mostly negative. Which is what I meant by abandoning yourself. Which is really weird, when you think it's painful and frightening for the very reason it seems to contradict the other person's (earned) ~trustworthiness (can't think of another word). But it's 'safer' to explain it as misplaced trust than (my) own frightened, triggered response. Hope that makes sense.

Also, I think it's helpful to be discriminating as to who one listens to, ask questions, try to get rest, reflect, simplify, and also listen to your heart. All hard to do when wound up like a spring.

Hope you are feeling a little better! 🤗
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Thanks @Rosebud , that all makes sense. I think I am creating my teenage years where this is what I did: self destruction, self harm, acting out, re-enacting. And I'm doing it all with T now.

Got a lot to bring up with T this week.
Got to explain all this and also the SI. Hope I can do that all in adult mode and not self sabotage. Will have to ask for her help with that I think.


@Movingforward10 - when I read some of your posts, I feel a little stressed and out of breath, because it feels like there’s so much pressure that you put on yourself...sorting out this rupture with your T, explaining everything you’re processing in these posts (there’s a lot of great insight here, by the way!), bringing up the’s a lot...and a lot to feel you have to tell her all about all these things and resolve everything this week.

I get the desire to just get it all out and share it with her. And to resolve the rupture asap.

But, just putting it out there - it’s ok to do this one bit at a time at a slower pace and not feel that you have ‘got to’ spill all of this and get everything completely sorted out in one hour (or however long your sessions last) this week.

Sometimes, these things take a little time and that’s ok. If the rupture isn’t totally mended this week, that’s will still be edging your way there, simply by showing up. If you don’t manage to get into SI but you get into some of the other stuff (or vice versus) there is always next week.

This may not resonate at all in which case feel free to ignore. I just feel a lot of pressure when I read this, so just wanted to say it’s ok if you don’t manage to cover all this in this week’s session.

Take care.


Thanks @barefoot . I had to take a step back from your post as my immediate reaction was "oh no, I need to do it all now". But you're right. I am putting pressure on me. I think it's increased as T is taking a week's break after the session this week. So I'll have two weeks in-between sessions to stew in my own internal drama.

But I can build a plan of seeing what feels most pressing in the session and focus on that.