Getting over ruptures with therapist

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @Rosebud


I do wonder if talks about SI has a story for her. As she becomes ultra bright and breezy (or at least that is how I view her) when I bring up SI.
Argh.
Anyway, I'm in a real funk about the whole thing at the moment so can't think clearly.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I guess you have to think that what seems scary to you might not seems scary to therapist? Like she sees patients who probably actually try to commit suicide, so she has learned to probably not panic and be firm and see what it means and not freak out. If she freaked out you probably wouldn’t feel safe bringing this up in the future either. Maybe she’s asking as she doesn’t understand how this is affecting you / how distressing this is for you, so she wants to gauge that and see how to best help you. For me for instance, I have tried to commit suicide way too many times to count and my therapist(s) have known only once. My bar of distress to let a therapist know I was suicidal was about to “die”, I wouldn’t even think to bring up that I have fleeting suicidal thoughts, but definitely would not want T to freak out. Now that I am more stable ya maybe even a fleeting suicidal ideation would be distressing.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thanks @bellbird, I can see why that would break your trust in your T, even if afterwards you feel she did the right thing.
And makes sense need to work on the relationship as otherwise rest of therapy isn't really going to work.

The thing I found hard to say today was fleeting SI. I told her I felt I wanted to end me in my overwhelming emotions on Friday. And that I felt ashamed about that. And I hadn't told E about it.
T never spoke or acknowledged this at all. I find that really hard. Did she not hear me? Did she not understand? Was I too vague? I expected her to say something. To acknowledge it and perhaps ask a question or two about it.
But: nothing.

I'll have to bring it up next week.
It hurts she didn't acknowledge it. And it is making me feel even more pathetic.

I can't talk to anyone about it as haven't had the guts to tell E or any friend, save for writing about it in my diary on this site and writing about it here. I expected T to say something.

In this moment I don't have the energy to work this through with T. I know this feeling will go and I will work it though with her. But it feels hard, and another thing to consider and manage and worry about.

I think it must be super challenging also being on the computer and dealing. I would think in person would be more amenable to working through stuff with a T. Just my thoughts.......

 

[Movingforward10]

I guess you have to think that what seems scary to you might not seems scary to therapist? Like she sees patients who probably actually try to commit suicide, so she has learned to probably not panic and be firm and see what it means and not freak out. If she freaked out you probably wouldn’t feel safe bringing this up in the future either. Maybe she’s asking as she doesn’t understand how this is affecting you / how distressing this is for you, so she wants to gauge that and see how to best help you. For me for instance, I have tried to commit suicide way too many times to count and my therapist(s) have known only once. My bar of distress to let a therapist know I was suicidal was about to “die”, I wouldn’t even think to bring up that I have fleeting suicidal thoughts, but definitely would not want T to freak out. Now that I am more stable ya maybe even a fleeting suicidal ideation would be distressing.

Thanks @mylunareclipse , thanks for sharing. And that makes sense and helps to reframe it.

I think it must be super challenging also being on the computer and dealing. I would think in person would be more amenable to working through stuff with a T. Just my thoughts.......

Yeah, but there is no choice on it. Been online since March 2020 because that's what's happened here in England. And the light at the end of the tunnel, that restrictions might be lifted in June and she might return to in person looks like it's being put back. Who knows. Either way, it's online or nothing.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thanks @mylunareclipse , thanks for sharing. And that makes sense and helps to reframe it.


Yeah, but there is no choice on it. Been online since March 2020 because that's what's happened here in England. And the light at the end of the tunnel, that restrictions might be lifted in June and she might return to in person looks like it's being put back. Who knows. Either way, it's online or nothing.

Here, in the States, with folks getting vaccinations, things are beginning to ease up. People no longer have to wear masks, and exceptions are in the medical field. With that said, most food stores haven't loosened their mask policies.

 

[Movingforward10]

Here, in the States, with folks getting vaccinations, things are beginning to ease up. People no longer have to wear masks, and exceptions are in the medical field. With that said, most food stores haven't loosened their mask policies.

Same here. But we have another variant that might make the next stage of easing up be delayed. So no idea when my T will be back in person. Mostly online works, but the odd time it doesn't. And she can't see how much I'm fidgeting. Mostly she gets when the atmosphere changes for me. But sometimes she doesn't, which I think she would if we were face to face. She be seeing what I'm doing with my hands (clenching or whatever it is).
But glad things are easing up for you in the states!

 

[TruthSeeker]

Same here. But we have another variant that might make the next stage of easing up be delayed. So no idea when my T will be back in person. Mostly online works, but the odd time it doesn't. And she can't see how much I'm fidgeting. Mostly she gets when the atmosphere changes for me. But sometimes she doesn't, which I think she would if we were face to face. She be seeing what I'm doing with my hands (clenching or whatever it is).
But glad things are easing up for you in the states!

I'm hoping to be feeling safe enough to travel to Europe next year, but we'll see about the variants......it's been really hard for many folks.

 

[Justmehere]

I do wonder if talks about SI has a story for her. As she becomes ultra bright and breezy (or at least that is how I view her) when I bring up SI.
Argh.
Anyway, I'm in a real funk about the whole thing...

Someone once said to me the most important validation we get is our own. I don't entirely agree - but I think they had a point and I think you are hitting on something important too.

Therapists do have their own stories -- and strengths and weaknesses. They are there to help, and most of the time they are climbing their own mountain of stuff too. Her input is valuable, and limited in value too. This interaction doesn't reduce the truth that you had great courage you to reach out for help with SI and the wisdom you had to let her know and the value of talking about big things in therapy. You have legitimate reason to be proud of your decisions and efforts.

The fact that she didn't attune to what you needed and it went a little wonky - that's not because you have done something wrong. She may be picking up on something about you or about herself or all kinds of things. Try to avoid mind reading (I do it too) and talk it through next time to see what she meant.

I hope the funk lifts soon.

 

[Movingforward10]

Someone once said to me the most important validation we get is our own. I don't entirely agree - but I think they had a point and I think you are hitting on something important too.

Therapists do have their own stories -- and strengths and weaknesses. They are there to help, and most of the time they are climbing their own mountain of stuff too. Her input is valuable, and limited in value too. This interaction doesn't reduce the truth that you had great courage you to reach out for help with SI and the wisdom you had to let her know and the value of talking about big things in therapy. You have legitimate reason to be proud of your decisions and efforts.

The fact that she didn't attune to what you needed and it went a little wonky - that's not because you have done something wrong. She may be picking up on something about you or about herself or all kinds of things. Try to avoid mind reading (I do it too) and talk it through next time to see what she meant.

I hope the funk lifts soon.

Thanks @Justmehere, I do have an almost unconscious habit of trying to mind read to work out what is safe and what isn't. I do have to change that.