Getting Stronger

[Chava]

So, among my stuff is recovering from anorexia (less about compulsion and more about half-living) and chronic pain. A while ago I decided to find a teacher to take some private lessons in Pilates from because I was desperate to feel stronger (in all ways, but I'd take whatever I could get). I've become really conscious of needing a strong set of "resources" or feeling growing confident in proportion to being able to deal with therapy stuff and stress.

Anyway, I still have upper back pain but other parts of my body are stronger and helping support me (I've seriously lacked for core strength and even the will to hold myself up at times). But getting a little physically stronger seems to help in that I can have pain one day and feel better the next, versus it dragging on. I feel more like I can actually begin to deal more with the psychological aspects of the pain because I am not being overwhelmed by it all the time (constant body crisis), if that makes sense.

It also feels good to be at a point where I can admit I'm injured in some ways but I don't have to beat myself up...but can make good choices to try to empower myself. Like I actually care (which is amazing because I never thought I'd be able to care much about my life). I want to keep it up. I wanted to be "fixed" faster, but am feeling a little more patient and able to recognize that healing that is actually transformational will likely be deeper and slower.

One of my big goals for therapy was simply being able to feel like I could support or sustain myself, versus continue on my path of withering away...not feeling swamped by feelings of powerlessness...and in more recent months, wanting to feel like my body could better handle the stress. I have bad moments and days but I do feel "stronger" and like I've escaped a spree of spiraling backwards. And my panic doesn't have to involve sleeping with a knife. Either as ways of feeling stronger or "resourcing", or taking care of your physical health, what are some of you doing to help your selves and bodies outside of therapy and throughout your process?

 

[shimmerz]

This posting comes at such a great time for me. I used to do Yoga (before D-day). I made a commitment this week to do Yoga and then work into pilates at the local Y this week. This is a big one for me because I have worked all last year at being able to do 'group' things. I am starting to play tennis again thanks to my SO. I suck at it and I used to be good and it is frustrating but am trying to let go of 'who I used to be and what I used to be able to do'. Thanks so much for this @Chava. :)

 

[Chava]

:) Awesome!! Making the commitment is partly the struggle for me, but I feel so much better for it!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have started running again. I ran cross- country and track in high school and just CC in college. I continued running after. After my second child was born I didn't run much because it hurt too much. Then, the accident happened and PTSD exploded into my life. Last summer my tiny fear that I would die while running overtook me and I couldn't do it. This summer I started small, but I am running. It has been a wonderful feeling. Recently I ran on the morning after a tough therapy session and realized that this is what I need. I need to release that trauma energy through running. It's hard to drag myself out of bed in the mornings, but I hope to get into a routine. (@shimmerz - I guess this is one sign of progress from last year that I couldn't think of when I answered your post. I guess you were right about how it's hard to recognize when some symptoms disappear or when something changes.)

@Chava - congrats to you for committing to Pilates and noticing the strength (inner and outer) that you are gaining from it.

 

[shimmerz]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve congratulations! This is why I was pushing the post. I know it is really hard to see unless we look for it. @Chava, thank you so much for this posting.

 

[Chava]

Awesome work getting back into running @JEKBreatheandBelieve! I used to run track/CC also. Such a good feeling. I'd like to do it again just a little, if I knew I wouldn't over-do it...but just run a little with my dog. It's a strong and freeing feeling (well, not when you're first doing it, out of shape)...and all the endorphin goodies!!

I hope people see the post and join in if it's useful (I get toooooo wordy sometimes!!). I think it's too easy for people to get dumped into trauma work, or to dive in themselves, wanting to fix stuff without maybe having the right "strength" or resources. For me, strength really is physical and emotional...stress affects all of us at the body level. My body was just so beat up and exhausted that it's been hard to handle much and I was really getting sick of that feeling of constant crisis or burn-out.

Depending on the person and the trauma, I'm sure our resources are really different. "Coping skills" is probably the more familiar term, but I've heard "resourcing" used in connection to trauma therapy because it is a step that needs to be in place before trauma work. I certainly came to therapy with extremely low or useless resources and coping skills (no ability to self-soothe, which has improved, a body that could barely tolerate any stress...which is improving). I also felt really NOT okay in my body, and hadn't for a couple decades at least....so long-term disconnection.

So my resources included taking care of myself physically and getting adequate nutrition (big #1), getting a little better at asking friends for help when needed, finding ways to self-soothe, finding ways to feel safe or protected, finding ways to simply notice sensations in my body and name and tolerate them, finding ways to feel strong (I probably could have organized my first post differently, but organization is not my forte!...I think in the most basic way, how are we empowering ourselves and adding to our set of resources/coping skills or building them up?

 

[xena21]

I think you are talking about people with PTSD building themselves up right? I just started a schedule with my therapist and we decided to add working out. I was always into the physical part of everything but I had escaped it because it reminded me of work. Lately after talking to her, I decided I could add stuff to my life and it would be ok. So now I am walking and running again. I will soon add lifting weights but for now I am happy to be doing this. I haven't run in years and I was running marathons so it is a great progress. I believe there is a way to get stronger with physical activity.

 

[Chava]

a-w-e-s-o-m-e @xena21