Getting Stuck In Trauma Therapy

[idiosyncratic]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently in an outpatient trauma therapy program and its almost been a year now. I have multiple traumas so working through everything has been difficult. I was able to get some relief for some of the traumas (or as I like to call them - demons) and things seemed to be going well. I was responding to treatment, which I was excited about, however, lately I've felt stagnant. I've felt and am feeling like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back (my therapist phrases it as two steps forward and one step back, although I don't feel that way.)

I understand that the process is not linear, but I just feel that I'm beating myself up that I'm not making progress anymore. Although I'm trying really hard, I feel as if I'm not doing enough and that somehow I'll be seen as "difficult" or "lazy" because I feel defeated and can't muster up the energy to do more.

Has anyone every felt this way? And if so, do you have any advice for me in how to get out of this funk?

Any help would be appreciated

 

[Joan]

I have often felt this way...I think it is a "normal" feeling. For me I think it becomes even more evident as my "thinking" improves, yet my symptoms not so much so the chasm seems greater. Not sure it that is anything close to what you feel. But I do understand the whole beating yourself up, that you are not trying hard enough, etc.

For me I have to look back to 6 months or a year ago and note what is different. I know for me I have some really big markers to measure change...i.e hopelessness and wanting to die, vs fighting to live.

I have to really step out of the immediate feelings and thoughts and see the bigger picture
Be kind to yourself in this time....allow your body and thoughts to settle in...I have to think you will start to see movement again

 

[MissMacD]

Welcome idiosyncratic :)

I've been in a trauma therapy outpatients program for about ten months. I find that being as honest as possible with my therapist makes my sessions way more bearable. There are weeks, even months that I can barely muster the energy to get to my appointments and other times where I feel on top of the world after therapy.

Asking for help has always been the most difficult part for me. Getting the actual therapy can be energy draining and time consuming. Some sessions I feel lighter coming out and others I am so dissociated that I don't even feel like I am in my body anymore. Healing takes time and if there is anything that I have learned it's that rushing it only sets me back.

It does get better. If you are as stubborn and determined as I am, I've seen the light at the other end. Sometimes I am in darkness for months and it is all I can do to crawl out of bed. Get up and fight for yourself, and if you do fall down there are plenty of people here cheering for you and willing to lend a hand to get you back on your feet.

Therapy is taking your life back and it is painful at times. Hang on. It gets better. :smug:

 

[DharmaGirl]

I do know how you feel. I have been in trauma therapy for 2 years. When you are looking at the day to day, you don't see much, but when you look back, as MissMacD said, you can see your improvement. I was stuck badly for about 2 months. I just couldn't vocalize my trauma. I finally did, and I got through it. I still do what I call circular healing. I have an awakening, then slowly go around the circle feeling worse, then start feeling better etc...At the bottom of my circle I would be suicidal, now I am just depressed. That's one way I know I'm getting better.

Therapy is hard, it is not fun, it hurts a lot, but getting better is worth every minute.

 

[samson]

What everyone has said is to true. And I am relieved that everyone feels this way. I am on the upswing of a terrible trigger that sent me to despair level. I've been in emdr therapy almost 2 years now. In my last session I went in with some large gold stars and I asked my T to help me write my breakthroughs and milestones on them. He was happy to do this. I'm hoping the next time I feel like quitting I can remember the things I have accomplished and see that some things are better than before. I feel for you. It's so hard to see the progress.

 

[MissMacD]

I love your idea samson of writing down your milestones on gold stars. I have a bunch of pink heart post its next to my bed so that I remember what things bring me peace (like yoga and drinking water). Perhaps I should write down some of my milestones for times I feel stuck.

 

[idiosyncratic]

Thanks for all the support. I try to keep the bigger picture in focus but it's incredibly tough, especially when I'm dissociating more and more now. It's odd even looking myself in the mirror because it just feels so alien.

I'll try out the idea of writing down my milestones, hopefully looking at all I have achieved will make me feel better.

 

[Hashi]

Welcome to the forum.

Maybe you need to focus on grounding, stability and self care for a little while. We all need breaks from trauma work. If you use them to focus on skills and coping, then it's still going to contribute to your healing overall.

It sounds like you've been doing well. If your therapist sees it as two steps forward and one step back, then it certainly doesn't sound like anyone is viewing you as difficult or lazy. Except yourself, perhaps, and we can be the worst at seeing ourselves through self-criticism and frustration.

I've found journalling very helpful in itself, but a side benefit was that by looking back I could see how much progress I'd made, when I was feeling I'd hardly made any. Give yourself some credit and try to go easy on yourself. No-one can do this non-stop.

 

[idiosyncratic]

Hi Hashi,

Thanks for your response. I am trying to focus on some self care. It's just so difficult right now... and it doesn't help that I'm flu-ish also (and not giving myself that break to get better).

Even when people tell me that they understand that I'm frustrated, I still fear that they won't want to wait until I'm not frustrated. I'm just at a really low point and so everything I do, I see it as being wrong (and yeah, this is coming out of a fear of abandonment also).

I used to journal but have stopped lately because things were just too heavy and I really didn't know where to start. I guess I'll just start anywhere.. even if it doesn't make sense.

Thanks for the advice