Getting triggered by a lack of empathy/sympathy

[Bluejam]

I've been hot and cold lately about therapy and the lack of empathy/sympathy that my therapist is showing. I've seen her for the better part of two years. I've recently been digging through some very traumatic history and verbalizing it with her. I would have expected her to respond to some of it with 'I'm sorry you've had to endure that' or 'I understand how you would be struggling with connection'…something? All I get is a nod and a smile. At the end of the session I get a 'Thanks for sharing, see you next time'. I feel so disconnected, misunderstood and definitely not validated. Am I wrong in feeling this way or is her lack of input triggering me?

 

[Esterio]

hi there Bluejam welcome thanks for the post.
my T shows that to me that he is human when i share something traumatic. I can't imagine how it would be if he just smiled at me. I am sorry he is react or not reacting to your trauma. again welcome.
Peace be safe

 

[Wishforescape1]

I've been hot and cold lately about therapy and the lack of empathy/sympathy that my therapist is showi...

My therapist is the fact same way! I told her it made me feel alone. I have been seeing her for two years as well. I have brought it up to her but we still haven't figured it out. I think maybe you can try to talk to her about it? It's hard and it might be something she cannot change. Good luck

 

[Friday]

Am I wrong in feeling this way or is her lack of input triggering me?

More than those two options exist.

People need & want different things out of therapy.

Personally? I don't need validation. I was there. I know it sucked. And sympathy just pisses me off. If my therapist responded the way a good number of people here want their therapists to respond? Shudder. Let's just say it wouldn't be pretty.

Some therapists are versatile. They can laugh with one client & cry with another & remain cool and on top of things with a third, no matter how hilarious/infuriating/sad/etc. that they feel. These are the folks that if you come to & express you concerns & have a dialogue can change the way they do things relatively easily. Others? Not so much. How they respond is just part of the package of working with them. If you need a different response? You need to find a different therapist. If you want a different response? It might be worth it to stay or might be better looking elsewhere.

So my 2 cents is to have a chat with them first off. No point in throwing the baby out with the bathwater, if you don't have to.

 

[mrsps]

I think it is fair to be given empathy by ones T. I would be upset if my T just sat there and smiled and nodded.
For me I need to feel empathy and like my T actually cares otherwise it would be hard to share things with her.
Can you bring it up with your T about how you are feeling?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Sympathy is something you will never get from a good T. I've found myself sometimes wanting sympathy (because my mom was like that) but it's very disempowering. Brene Brown has a good video out on the difference. It's a short cartoon character one but worth the watch.

As far as your therapist not giving you empathy? That sucks! When my T first started saying "I'm sorry you had to go through that" or when she'd show concern when I said something I got defensive. I wasn't used to it. I would say "what are you sorry for? You didn't do anything" in a tone. Every time. But she still says it and now I'm really good with it. I love that she doesn't want bad things to have happened/happen to me. If this is something your T isn't doing naturally then not sure if she will change. Definitely bring it up!

I saw someone prior to my current T for a few months who was extremely cold. My first T. I didn't know better. I wouldn't even get a nod! Sometimes I'd get a sigh! Who sighs at a client?! Or she'd look out the window while I spoke. Not fun.

I hope you two can resolve it. Especially since you've been going to her for a couple years but if not, a really warm therapist may be worth the switch. Good luck!!!

 

[The Albatross]

Turn it around and ask, "In therapy what am I showing?" For a while in therapy my insides just didn't match my outsides. I was detached, depersonalized... when I realized that we had a few good sessions about it.

 

[Bluejam]

Turn it around and ask, "In therapy what am I showing?" For a while in therapy my insides just di...

i'll ask. My outside does not portrait my insides at all and maybe that is where the confusion lies

 

[The Albatross]

It is an ordeal but not all that awful to endeavor (by the way) to match your insides to your outsides. Personally I found it drove a lot of my perceptual distortions because people really didn't have much to gauge me by... I didn't show much cuz of course it wasn't "safe". It can happen though.

 

[The Albatross]

I think it is a pretty wide and common thing... and it sure does lead to a lot of skewed thoughts/feelings/perceptions. Weird how at times this can come up like 50 times... but that didn't come out of me til today.

Good topic though, hope it helps and check back in? I'd be interested to see what the therapist things and this is really worth a session?

 

[ladee]

I didn't need validation... and my T was one that the look on her face spoke more than any words would have conveyed. She never felt sorry for me, I would have resented that, I didn't need her to do that... but empathy would show on her face.in her eyes.... words probably would have distracted me anyway....She was forthcoming and to the point... not cold , not at all... just gave me different ways to look at things.... she never dismissed me and she listened.... and she would share little snippets from her own life, nothing over the top or extremely personal... just to let me know I wasn't the only one who felt that way.... She helped me lay the foundation for all the work I had ahead of me.... but I never stayed with one T for years... seems each one had a healing purpose for me...

 

[amosmorris]

My T and I had a hard discussion today about her resorting to "generic" language in the form of "all human beings feel x" or "in normal human relationships people y"....lecture-y move in response to my unloading probably too much in our last session. It makes me feel like a weirdo alien whose spaceship has just landed and who needs a "Being Human 101" class or something.

By "too much" in the session what I mean is too many things--I had three distinct things to talk about (one particularly hard to discuss for me) and in reality each likely needed its own session, and instead I just plowed through all three and it was too much for me and I think maybe too much for her in a sense too to pace out....and so this to me felt actually like a kind of distancing move, impersonal. Her explanation today was that she wanted to save me from my bad feelings and thus didn't allow for the process...It was a substantive conversation but I'm left feeling just esp therapy-burnt/vulnerable these days. It's just so damn hard....uggggggggh. :banghead: