Gf And I Broke Up... But I Don't Feel Like I Can See New People Without Hurting Her...

[Joseph_PDX]

My (ex?)girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I intiated the breakup and moved out because some very significant stressors were triggering her withdrawal and an increasing coolness towards me. She had been repeatedly voicing that living together caused her a lot of anxiety and I began to feel unwelcome. So I moved forward.

In her defense, the triggers were huge, and at the time I had no concept of Complex-PTSD. Frankly, I was worried about BPD, but I am since convinced that BPD doesn't fit her at all. I guess I felt that I was experiencing the same stressors and couldn't understand why she didn't want to draw closer as I did. And at the time I perceived her withdrawal as a real rejection of me and not the very real need to escape that I now understand it to be. But I still felt pretty abandoned.

Breaking up was not what I truly wanted. I've tried to reach out and apologize. I've tried to subtly and gently show that I understand now why she need her space so badly. But she has not responded to my attempts at reconciliation and is clearly needing continued space and distance. She wants to fix herself apparently without my help. I've offered that I don't need for us to live together to be happy and that I want to participate as a partner who can help her heal, but she hasn't yet shown an interest in reengaging.

I love this woman very much, and the sudden demise of our relationship has been horrible for me. I've learned about a level of pain that has been startling. We were genuinely growing so intimate. I feel like the rug has been completely and swiftly pulled out from under me.

She has stated via email that she loves me, and I believe her. But it's attached to the caveat that she'd like to see how we land "down the road and see where we are then." I doubt she could predict how much time "down the road" even looks like. She says that she has no interest in dating anyone, but I worry. We stay in touch daily via text and email. But in our most recent in-person interactions she doesn't act like she misses me. She has sought out seeing other friends and socializing without me. It's hard to take and it's hard to beat back the insecurities.

Neither of us is puritanical, and we are both fairly sexually driven. However, we are not sleeping together during this process. I love her... but I'm also not dead. I have no idea how long this separation could take or whether we will ever reconcile. A deeper part of me (the quieter and smarter part) suspects that to move forward and start sleeping with other women (even if it were casual and not intimate) would hurt her and fulfill her fears of being abandoned even though we're no longer "official." I know for sure that if she were to do the same it would be horrible for me.

I'm a good guy. And I have poured myself out fully into our relationship. I've truly left "[nothing] for the swim back." But I worry about sacrificing too much. I deserve affection and attention. I have never been more alone. And although I posess all the strength necessary to committ to her and to stay by her side during this process, I wonder if she is offering me enough reason to do that.

Could the women sufferer's of this forum offer me their perspective? Am I reading her right? Would you appreciate my sticking around if you were in her shoes? Do you think that there's hope that she will want to reengage in our relationship?

I'd be most grateful... :-)

 

[saffy]

Hi Joseph_PDX

Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear you have decided to be apart. However, you must accept her decision and learn that your place in her life now is as a friend who is there for her. For you it must be hard to let go but are you holding on out of pity? (which I would think she would hate) or worry that you will be alone?

Living your own life whilst still being supportive of her will allow you both to grow, you might grow back together you might grow further apart. But for both of you it sounds like you are still both searching for something.

Finding another partner should be about equal respect not about just your loneliness or sexual appetite. I would think the guilt would be from you feeling you have cheated on her because casual sex has no respect. She might well be disappointed that you find someone else, but she might also be pleased that you have found someone that makes you happy. Whatever she cannot keep you dangling on a string of possible reconciliation.

Communication might be the key. If you want to be on a break to find yourself on the pretext that it is only temporary it give you something to work on and a sense of place. If on the other hand it is a relationship that is more to do with support and help in times of need then the rest of the time you must concentrate on yourself in the mean time.

Sitting waiting and hoping for a reconnection with this lady will only lead to destructive thoughts and behaviour. You have to live your life but do it will respect and with your self esteem in tow.

I have no idea if this is helpful in anyway. But first thing for any friend is to respect their wishes and just be there for them in times of need, and visa versa. with no hidden agendas or pity or judgement.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Joseph_PDX]

Thank you Saffy for your insights. Unfortunately after a few more interactions I see her choosing to stick to her decision to be apart. And though I was holding on for love and the sake of not loosing a very special connection (i.e.; not pity), I can't hold on unless she reaches out as well. Time will tell I suppose.

You totally nailed the "sitting waiting and hoping" bit. I'm a pretty damn balanced person, but leaving myself in that boat was causing me to write a couple of emails that I regretted... very needy. Just what every girl wants right? Jesus... I laugh at myself sometimes.

I decided to unlink all of the Instagram/Facebook between us. Seeing daily/hourly updates of her life while not a part of it was like getting punched in the gut three times a day... let's just say that got old...lol. But I'm reaching out by still getting her and her daughter Christmas presents and she still has my number. My hope for reconciliation and whether I even should wish though for that are fading sadly. But at least I can say that I'm in a position to lift her and encourage her as a friend should she ask for it.

PTSD is horrible... this was such a tragic waste of a great opportunity for both of us. My only hope is that other couples can learn to avoid triggering and pushing to the brink like we did. You can't unring a bell... and sadly I don't see how we can regain what we had. If only I had perspective on this sort of trauma 8 months ago... I could of avoided moving in etc... :-(

Thank you again for your thoughts.

Best,

Joseph

 

[Sailorgal]

PTSD is horrible... this was such a tragic waste of a great opportunity for both of us. My only hope is that other couples can learn to avoid triggering and pushing to the brink like we did. You can't unring a bell... and sadly I don't see how we can regain what we had. If only I had perspective on this sort of trauma 8 months ago... I could of avoided moving in etc... :-(

Sigh....all of us would've avoided a lot of unnecessary frustrations and heartache.

It's a good thing you moved out and broke up. Unless you HAVE to be together, things would've gotten worse. She also has a daughter and needs to think of being strong for her too.

Adding any additional pressure (even love) is overwhelming. The person you love starts to become your enemy. My supporter was like you, tried too hard. It ended up tearing us apart. :(

You can't worry about how she will feel. You have to do what's best for you. Give yourself time to heal.

 

[Joseph_PDX]

Thank you... that is good advice. It's so wild to think that the act of loving and caring can drive someone away. But I accept it. I'm sorry to hear that you too lost a good thing.

Best wishes... Joseph

 

[Sailorgal]

Thanks J,

Love doesn't drive people away, it's the fear of letting someone in too close, being exposed that is scary. It's our way of protecting ourselves.

Wishing you healing and peace. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Joseph, I saw your post the other day. This is a bit radical to say, but it came to me to say it.

I entirely agree with Sailorgal's post above.

I can only say also, just from my experience past to the present, for the most part, if you don't initiate it, ptsd makes it all too easy (and likely) for the person with ptsd to 'float away', in a sense. Avoidance, self-blame, triggers etc, - they all make it far too attractive for someone with ptsd to let things go. If it's over, carry on with your life and have no regrets. If your heart tells you to fight for it, it will be difficult but more than in an average relationship it will be up to you to try.

I hope things work out better.

 

[saffy]

I have been thinking about this post a lot recently and the other comment make sense.

If you genuinely want to be with this particular girl then you have to get her to trust you want to do that. At the moment she might just want to see if and how you support her as a friend. If you are prepared to wait and prove yourself again. It leaves a sufferer feeling very vulnerable and they have to trust the person to be their true selves.

Based on you leaving, as a sufferer I would see that action of someone that only wants to be around me in the good times and I know that at the moment it is not always going to be good. By leaving I would think that you had no interest or concern for me as a person. By walking out it would confirm also that I was not worth fighting or working for or protecting. On that note it would take me a while to accept he was genuine again. I like to think actions speak louder than words. But that is just me.

Food for thought?

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Joseph_PDX]

Hi again... :-). It would be important to understand how my decision to move out came to be. It began by her bringing up how my daily presence at home was overwhelming. My just "being" there was stressful. We resolved that I would move out... for her.... I did it purely with the goal to help, and to be giving.

And since the breakup I have reached out numerous times to reconcile and been rebuffed and ignored. She has sought the company of every friend we have except me. She even bought a puppy...lol

I'm not sure in my particular scenario how I can better engage as a consistent friend, (which I am), without ironically enough me becoming the one getting emotionally abused.

I am still available to her. And I genuinely am not angry at her. And I can be her trusted non-romantic friend until the Universe implodes. That's a piece of cake.

But on a romantic level I don't see how I can risk myself again. This last round of withdrawal was so gut wrenchingly painful. I don't know that I could take it again in the future.

Sorry... did a 1:00 am brain dump on my iPhone. Thank you again for spending precious moments pondering my situation.

All the best,

Joseph

 

[scorpio2012]

I wish I had come to this forum months ago. I've learned so much, and it's far too late because I walked away.

I felt unloved, and felt I deserve some attention and affection too. I just didn't know what the level of pain was. After weeks and weeks of research, I reached out and the response I got was murky. Eventually "Let me remember the good times, please" and "I'm done" were the two main features that stood out from our conversation.

I'm just so sad right now having lost this man, and him having felt that I probably abandoned him. I tried to reconcile, but he made it difficult, and was confused about it. I felt at this time the best thing I can do is just leave him alone and move on with my life, and not wait.

At this point I don't know if I should even reach out and tell him I'm there for him as a friend. I feel bad that at the end I told him several times that I loved him. It probably made things worse.

Everything I am reading on this forum is making me realize that what sufferers go through is really heartbreaking. I miss my guy terribly. I want to know he's OK. I want to text him, or email him, but I know this will only result in anger or me coming across as unable to let go and move forward. I am also hurt at how he just withdrew and didn't condition me on what to expect during his bad episodes.

PTSD in combination with severe depression is really a tough one to handle. I feel drained, helpless, and don't know what to do right now except that I should just try to forgive, forget, and heal.

 

[saffy]

that I would move out... for her

But you also said you broke it off. Did she expect you moving out to go this far? Moving out and breaking up are two different things altogether.

It sounds like a lot is still about you and not her, sorry if I have read this wrong.

Saffy :)

 

[Joseph_PDX]

"I felt unloved, and felt I deserve some attention and affection too. I just didn't know what the level of pain was."

"I'm just so sad right now having lost this man, and him having felt that I probably abandoned him. I tried to reconcile, but he made it difficult, and was confused about it. I felt at this time the best thing I can do is just leave him alone and move on with

"At this point I don't know if I should even reach out and tell him I'm there for him as a friend. I feel bad that at the end I told him several times that I loved him. It probably made things worse."

Scorpio... I really... truly... know what you've been going through. And I'm so, so sorry for your loss. The sense that you yourself are left unloved and still deserving of affection is the core of the catch-22 that having a relationship with a sufferer brings. I am currently trying to land in a place where I'm taking care of myself but keep the love I feel for my former partner alive in a new form. That new form for me is still very intense, but unfortunately it is also 100% platonic.

The only thing you can do is simply give your friend space... in my scenario it was the only thing that has ever helped.

I would support you in your decision to not wait. While your partner may need space, you need connection. It's the definition of incompatibility. My entire motivation for starting this thread was to make sense of what I was going to do next. And my situation has developed in such a way where I think that risking future withdrawal episodes is too much for me to take on. You'll have to arrive at what you're going to do yourself. But I would encourage to not feel guilty if you do indeed decide to move forward.

@Saffy I did indeed initiate the breakup, but immediately wanted to reconcile. I only went there in the first place because of how unloved I was beginning to feel even as I was moving mountains to fix things for her such as move out. Once I put the breakup out there she took it and ran with it. I was blissful until I felt her withdrawing from me. I didn't need anything for "me" per se other than that connection to remain. Time will tell where we land. Right now I hope that I can be a steady and positive influence in her life. We've had a couple of pleasant conversations that make me believe that will happen. So I feel a sense of closure growing because of that. :)